Feelings

Feelings, nothing more than feelings .....

Yeah that is how I feel anymore.  My whole life has been consumed by feelings and I am not so sure I like it.  There are days I wish I could be back to the person who walked around in a haze and didn't feel.  

The highs are high and the lows are low.  Why can't I find a happy medium??

I need to slip the mask into place yet again and just not feel

OMG

I actually forgot how to get to here!

Where you ask ...

Well here, blogger.  I had the brilliant idea that I would share my current obsession ... you know me I am like a fart in a tea kettle and can't settle on one thing for too long :)

SO I had a few minutes of quiet and I thought what the hay, I'll do a post.  I sat down at the computer, fingers poised above the keyboard - yet they didn't move LOL.  In my head I was thinking, I think it's blogger, but wait no that doesn't sound right.

How did I get here then you may wonder.

I, ummm, went to a friend's blog and hit the little button at the top *blush*  yep that's how I did it. Once I saw that it WAS blogger dot com I was all Homer like

What is new with me???

I got me a new tattoo, and I have a feeling when I go back for a touch up I will be having him add two more littler ones underneath of the one he just did.

Work is CRAZY busy.  I am responsible for surgeries and cardiac caths now - I had a co-worker say to me the other day "MJ, I would put my foot down and tell them to do it themselves."  My response, "No way, I would like to keep my job thankyouverymuch!!!"

Goose is amazing.  We still have emotional meltdowns (which probably would be better if I would remember to make her take the fish oil - oops).  However, her teacher this year has been a blessing in disguise.  Mrs L has challenged Goose intellectually (sp?) which has helped SO much.  Mrs L has also caught on that altho the kids have been accused of being the bully, she is the one being bullied!  *RELIEF*

Ducky is talking up a storm.  I mean to the point some nights I look at her and ask her to shut it.  I know,I know how mean!  But really, do you know what it is like to crave just a little bit of silence in the night!??!  I am blessed tho, with both girls.

OH.  I, a grown woman of 33 yrs, can NOT wait until it is county fair time.  Yep, I admitted it.  BUT it's because I am looking forward to a night with friends, rocking it to SEETHER!!!!!!  and Finger Eleven!!!! and Black Stone Cherry!  YIPPIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Regrets

Seeing how it is the new year, I wanted to tackle a huge topic - REGRETS.  I had a post plotted in my head when I opened my email this morning at work and found the following. 
People who cover over their sins will not prosper. But if they confess and forsake them, they will receive mercy” Proverbs 28:13 (NLT).


How often do you play the “if only” game?

• If only I had it to do over.

• If only I had listened sooner.

• If only I could erase the past.

• If only I could forgive myself.

Because no one is perfect, we all have regrets. We’ve all made bad choices, said foolish things, wasted time, and hurt ourselves and others.

How do you release those regrets?

Here are some strategies that don’t work:

1. We bury them. Burying the past doesn’t work. Like creatures from a horror movie, unresolved regrets come back to haunt us over and over. Minimizing (“It wasn’t a big deal”), rationalizing (“Everyone does it”), and compromising (lowering your standards) are ways we try to bury our regrets.

2. We blame others. This tactic is as old as Adam and Eve. When Adam sinned, he took it like a man – he blamed his wife! We use blame to balance out our guilt.

3. We beat ourselves. We try to pay for our guilt unconsciously through illness, depression, setting ourselves up for failure, and other forms of self-punishment. The problem with beating up on yourself is this: your conscience never knows when to stop! Many spend their entire lives in self-condemnation.

What does God want me to do with my regrets?

• Admit my guilt. Own up to it. Don’t make excuses. The Bible says, “People who cover over their sins will not prosper. But if they confess and forsake them, they will receive mercy” (Proverbs 28:13 NLT).

• Accept Christ’s forgiveness. He’s waiting to clean your slate. Ask him to clear your conscience, and then remember “there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1 NLT).

• Forgive yourself and focus on the future. “Do not remember the past events, pay no attention to things of old. Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert” (Isaiah 43:18-19 HCSB).

Questions: Are there things from your past that you need to let go of? That you need to hand over to God? Try the steps given above for getting over your regrets.

Author Rick Warren

hmmm

Wow, it has been a really long time since I felt the need to come here.  And yet here I am, on New Year's Eve of all times.

A lot has happened, but even more is to come.

Goose does really well if we can keep the fish oil in her.  There are days that I look at her and I wonder where the child is.  I worry that she has grown up way too quick, that she is another old soul.

Ducky is on her way to being potty trained.  She was doing GREAT, then I decided that we should go to Disney World right after Thanksgiving.  This decision was made the first week of November (!!) so I really didn't think I could get her COMPLETELY trained before we left so we packed plenty of pull-ups - and SO glad we did.

Disney - WHAT A WONDERFUL TIME!!!!   My focus was on what the girls wanted to do and it was just a blessing to be able to take them.

My grandma fell in December.  Due to her co-morbidities (conditions) the local hospital flew her to Toledo to a larger & more experience team.  When she fell, she split open her nose, which required surgery.  Then she ended up being hospitalized for 3 days - BUT we were blessed and she was able to come home for Christmas.  It was a mixed emotion day for me.  I was estatic that she was there, then at the same time I was battling with the fear that this is her last Christmas with us.  Also, seeing her so fragile really rocked my emotions.  This is the lady that had her hair set every Saturday & then went shopping right after (I LOVED my Saturdays with grandma!)  She was the epitimey of class.  This is the woman who once was the mayor of my home town & helped developed our current park.

And on to this week.  This week is yet another bitter sweet one.  Our family is about to lose a man that was sooo full of life to leukemia.  He has put up a battle, for sure!!  Yesterday we went to the University of Michigan Hospital for what will be our last time with him.  It also was the day that all of his family flew in to say their goodbyes.  This is going to be hard for my father-in-law and unfortunately, the stubborness that my husband shows runs in the family,  I am afraid that he will hold in all of his emotions, and that there will be an explosions.  So I ask for peace.  Peace for the wonderful man we are losing AND for my father-in-law.

Tonight I am ringing in the New Year alone, well sorta.  As I type this I can hear the dog's and my husband's snores & the girls are tucked tight in their beds.  I was hoping to bring in the New Year with the hubs, but he was just too tired.  Sign of age I guess. So I will take this night of quiet to reflect on the experiences of the last year and how I have grown from them.  Then as the ball drops at Midnight, I will open the next chapter in my life.

xo

No words

Today, as I was walking into one of the departments I work with, I caught a glimpse of a male in our signature blue-green scrubs.  I paused, backed pedal just a couple steps & stared.  It was like that moment when you come to an unknown intersection and you need to make a quick decision.  What do I say?  What do I do? 

For you see, it WAS the male co-worker who unexpectedly lost his wife  3(+/-) weeks ago.  This is his second week back to work & my first time seeing him since the day the accident happened.  I can still hear him saying "wassup" in his fun, laid back manner merely hours before his life changed.  Yet the man I saw today wasn't him.  There was no smile, there was no "wassup."  You could literally see that he lost his soulmate and no words could provide the comfort needed today.  No words could let him know how much I wish it wasn't him having to go thru this.  No words were spoken but a quick "oh hunny" to let him know I recongnized him and then let a hug do all the talking for us.



The feelings that transpired in that one hug, that only lasted a mintue but seemed like 10, can not easily be put into words. 
It felt like I was holding onto a young boy who lost his one and only true love.  Which is exactly what happened, for this couple WERE that high school couple who married after school AND stayed together.  You could feel the love, you could SEE the love between them. 
But most importantly,  I felt like I left a little bit of my hope and strength with him (& I wish I could have left more)

realization

thanks google for the image

Ok, being bluntly honest here, but I could absolutely see how someone could become an alcoholic.



 Drink One = Relaxed
Drink Two = Numb

Then you wake up to reality and just want to do it all over again.  Over time I'm sure it would take more than the two drinks to hit numb and so the cycle begins. 

Loss for Words

yep, you read the title right.  I am at a total loss for words.

I have NEVER had someone that payed enough attention to the words spoken, and unspoken, to know what I am truly feeling.  Wait that is a false statement.  I never HAD someone do that until recently.

There is a wonderful couple that I have found to be like family to me.  Seriously, the wife and I are like long, lost soul sisters and her husband (HH) is just one big ol' teddy bear.  For being of the male species, I am surprised at how well he listens and gives advice - if I didn't know betterI would think that he was .... gay. 

Anyways ....

A couple weeks ago I recieved a message from HH saying that he was writing a song, for me!?!  ME!???  Ok, sure if you say so. 

Overnight he titled it "Waiting for my Rainbow"  and just last night I received a preview of what to expect.  TEARS were flowing.  HOW did he do it?? How did he capture my thoughts and put them in a song, then SING it so that I feel the emotion? 

I am the luckiest girl around right now, that's for sure