Wednesday, March 31, 2010


I don't know if hanging around the "fiery redhead" has rubbed off on this mousy-brown haired girl or what, but let me tell you - I haven't felt this feisty & strong in a long time.

Sunday & Monday sucked donkey balls - no if, ands, or buts about it.  Days like that use to drain me, but for some reason Tuesday & Today I have felt better than I have in a long time.

I am pretty sure it has to do with the fact that I was finally able to say what I want & not feel like I was walking on eggshells. 

And for some reason today I have been walking around singing "FREEDOM" in my head.  ALL.DAY.LONG :o)

I do need your all opinions though please!  If you had someone come back in your life, and after getting some answers that they were seeking, they continued to talk - would you not think that things were ok between you.  Not perfect, not great, but ok.  AND when you asked said person if they really wanted you in their life and they didn't say no, or they answered "you don't have to shush" when you say you will be quiet - would you not think things were ok??

I guess my thinking was faulty and those things really don't mean that at all - but know what I DON'T CARE!!!!!!  FREEDOM

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Good Grief

I was told that my girls are not safe with me, because I admit that there are some days I think it would be easier if I wasn't around. Because I look at what my issues have done to Goose & it hurts me. I think that is a normal guilt feeling though.

I was told that I lie about everything just so that people think I am ok.  That must mean my whole life is a lie, right?  wow - wouldn't it get exhausting trying to keep up with them all.  Maybe that is why I am so tired, not because I work full time, run a house (not very good, but I try), work 2 part time jobs, & try to have a life outside of all that. no, not at all

I was told that I lied because I applied for daycare assistance when we had low income.  Had I not applied, been approved & re-approved 6 months later, I would have been destitute.  I was told that because I did this, I was preventing people who really could use the help from getting it.  Yet I am the working poor & am paying for that help. 

* * * *

I let it be known that all the attention seeking was getting old.

I let it be known that I didn't think that it was safe for kids to be around someone who feels faint all the time.

I admitted that I AM better off now!! 

What was said didn't hurt me one bit, it was a huge RELIEF.

Sianara to that chapter of my life.  Thanks for all the lessons.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Life is Short

LORD, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered— how fleeting my life is. Psalm 39:4, NLT
photo from Google Images

Life is short no matter how long we live. If there is something important we want to do, we must not put it off for a better day.

Ask yourself, “If I had only six months to live, what would I do?” Tell someone that you love him or her? Deal with an undisciplined area in your life? Tell someone about Jesus? Because life is short, don’t neglect what is truly important.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

How LOW can you go?

image from google images

As I have been evaluating my life, I realize that a lot of my disappointments have stemmed from my expectations. I want things to go a certain way & when they don't, I am left feeling deflated like a day old helium balloon.

I don't know about you, but I would much rather not feel empty, wanting, pissed off, etc. So how was I to do that?

Lower my expectations!

My expectations for myself & others always seemed to linger in the top third of the Limbo poles. There was sooo much room under the set bar that it would be hard for anyone to touch it. In Limbo, that is a good thing, in expectations, not so much. When I realized what was happening, I immediately lowered the bar for family, friends, & co-workers. Finally they were able to reach the bar & I wasn't left feeling resentment or disappointment!!!

I am still working on lowering the bar for myself - that is a hard one to do though because I am a people pleaser. If something goes wrong I feel as if I am a failure because I didn't try my hardest. If I let someone down, I will do whatever I can to make it right. When I catch myself in this mode, I take a moment to reflect on how high the bar is, and then I lower it a notch or two.

It is like any habit, it will take a long time to keep the bar at the lower level. I will slip up & set it too high for myself (and probably others too). But now that I am aware of this, I will hopefully be able to control my reaction & not feel like that deflated balloon - void of the gas that it needs to keep floating & bobbing merrily along it's path.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

who's going to win

I have this internal debate going on right now. 
Do I stay or do I go? 
The joy of blogging has sort of been sucked out of me.

I have several posts floating around up in my head & started, but I just can not seem to finish them.

Then on top of that I feel like this:

Working full time
Mom full time
Part time job
2nd part time job to start again
Crap at home


Monday, March 15, 2010


Goose is at it again & she is sooo lucky I love her.

Sunday night I went to Rite Aid to pick up my new best friend, L'Oreal. While there I decided to cruise the nail polishes.  I have this unexplainable love for polish, one could call it an obsession I guess.  I mean come one, how many different bottles of Cherry Red can one person own. (don't ask)  Most don't realize this obsession of mine because I normally limit myself to painting my toes.

I found the most wonderful, FUN nail polish super cheap.  I was like a moth drawn towards light.  I bought a color thinking HOW STINKIN awesome it would look on my toes - yeah well not so much.  BUT fear not, I will not let the color go to waste.  What color is it you ask, well let me show you:
yep Purple!!! I *love* purple, especially this hue of it.

I am soo loving my fingers right now, even with the crappy manicure I gave myself.   There is something about the shock of an unsual color that brings a smile to my face.  It reminds me of the time in college that I went around wearing GOLD nail polish (yep on my fingers, back then I didn't contain myself) & my boss was like Mary that is some wild polish you got going on.

Well, Lil Miss Goose started in last night with this.  "MOM YOU LOOK LIKE URSULA WITH YOUR NAILS THAT WAY!!"  *and let me tell you it is like a broken record in my house right now*

Now my question is, is the resemblance REALLY the nails or is it the eight tentacles, scary hair, big boobs & robust figure?!?

What do you all think, should I change my name??? ;o)

About to admit defeat

I am really starting to dread Mondays & that is odd for me.  I normally look at each day as a gift & I truly don't mind the start of the work week.  But I am at the end of my rope here.

Last week we had the scare with Ducky.  Now this week, I didn't wake up until 625.  Some say what's the matter with that, if it was just me, not a darn thing!  However as it is, I have to get myself ready (which includes a shower, I CAN NOT not shower in the AM) along with the girls.  Ok, still not a huge deal you think.  Let me add this into the equation, I need to walk out the door by 700.  So let's break it down: 3 girls + 35 minutes = a little hairy, BUT absolutley doable!

I won't bore you with the break down, but I did it & I even received a compliment from an outside contractor that I looked pretty darn good today.

If something like this happens next Monday, I am quitting Monday's all together!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Hello, Is there anybody in there?

Why Hello out there!!  Have you missed me??
I've missed you ;o)
I haven't been posting much here for numerous reasons.

The main one being I basically was being stalked by someone that was once part of my life.  What's sad, it wasn't even a BIG part of MY life, however she felt the need to stop by EVERY day to see what was written & to make sure that it wasn't about her or the daycare.  But it has been several weeks without hide nor hair of her visiting, so I think it may be safe to say it's finally stopped.

I hate that I let one person ruin what I had going on.  I was posting odds & ends that I enjoyed & I hoped that you my readers did also - but I started to censor what was posted because I didn't want what was said to be twisted & turned so it was about them.

How have I been??  HAHAHAHAHA lets not go there or I may be posting the doom & gloom of my original posts.

Now here is the real question - HOW HAVE ALL OF YOU BEEN??

Friday, March 12, 2010


No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety. Psalm 16:9, NLT

David’s heart was glad—he had found the secret to joy. True joy is far deeper than happiness; we can feel joy in spite of our deepest troubles. Happiness is temporary because it is based on external circumstances, but joy is lasting because it is based on God’s presence within us.

As we contemplate his daily presence, we will find contentment. As we understand the future he has for us, we will experience joy. Don’t base your life on circumstances, but on God.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What A Week - already

On Sunday I was wishing for it to be Monday
never again will I do that!

Ducky woke up SCREAMING
not like my baby at all

Ducky couldn't stand, walk, or run
definitely not my baby

Much internal debate
and a phone call to Call-A-Nurse

ER bound we were
just to be made to feel stupid

Triage Nurse felt I was an over reacting mother
and when she found out I was employee
said there was NO way she would have came
because of the following breakdown

ER visit = $200
Ambulatory Care visit = $35

My child = PRICELESS

Four x-rays
One Blood Draw
3.5 hour ER visit
pic stolen from a google search

She's still limping around
still falls to the ground occasionally
but no more screaming!

My google diagnosis: In children from two to ten years old, the most common cause of hip pain is transient synovitis (TS). This involves swelling or inflammation of the synovium of the hip. The synovium is a tough covering of the joint. Often, the child will have had a cold or viral infection just before the hip pain started. Transient synovitis usually lasts ten days. It generally gets better on its own.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

In Honor of

all those "trashy" girls AND my girls ;o)

My very first tattoo - circa 1999
to me the butterfly signified the growth & changes of my late teens/early 20's
I actually felt beautiful for the first time

A spur of the moment inking.  2000/2001
I LOVE yellow/peachy colored roses, BUT hate that they die so fast.
My solution, a perment rose - the blue is an artist addition & I couldn't be happier with it.

Fast Forward to TODAY!
Great company of HeatherLynn & my bff Heather
Sparks of excitement
I don't know if I am so excited for the thrill of the ink or for the promise of Chinese food afterwards! (hey I didn't receive this zaftig shape by not eating!)
We embark on the short journey down Lincoln Highway to Van Wert.
Our destination - T-N-T Tattoos

stencil on - no turning back
Terry & his hot pink gun
(and let me tell you - what a gun it is)

4 hours old - she's a beauty

Today, in honor of my girls & my 2 unborn children I had the Celtic Motherhood Knot inked on my back.
 The 2 rosey pink dots are in honor of the girls
The 2 seafoam green are in honor of my unborns

The stories that could be told - from the ones the artists shared to the ones we created ;o)
Lets just say that I got a little too up close & personal with Terry

I can not be any happier with how it turned out & can honestly say that I feel as though my inking days are over.  I feel complete.

Friday, March 5, 2010

The Right Path

Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow. Psalm 25:4, NLT

David expressed his desire for guidance. How do we receive God’s guidance? The first step is to want to be guided and to realize that God’s primary guidance system is in his Word, the Bible. By reading it and constantly learning from it, we will gain the wisdom to perceive God’s direction for our lives. We may be tempted to demand answers from God, but David asked for direction.

When we are willing to seek God, learn from his Word, and obey his commands, then will we receive his specific guidance.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Degree in . . .

Bet you would never have guessed that I attended

but I did & I am it's number 1 fan!
I encompassed everything that this University had to offer & passed with flying colors.

I have shirked my duty as a blogger - I haven't posted.  I haven't commented. And honestly, I'm not sad about it.  However, I am a little disappointed that it seems I have lost some of my support.  Yes, it is partially my fault because I haven't been doing what I should as a blogger, but I guess I was hoping that some of the ones that I have offered support to other than through the blog would have reached out and at least said hey. 

I know that most readers are just stopping by for some entertainment & not life long friendship.  The delusional thoughts and/or wishful thinking on my end felt as there were some real connection between a few of us.  Maybe there still is & I just haven't tried hard enough or maybe we have grown & changed. 

Hope everyone is doing well.


Monday, March 1, 2010

Goose Update

YAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAY <-- can you tell I'm a little excited

Well the part of me having to go to counseling with Goose is done, unless there is something MAJOR that crops up AND they are thinking that within the next month Goose will be released!!!! *HAPPY DANCE*

It is wonderful to know that we have sucessfully worked through the crap & are making progress.  I know that my work is not completely done & that I have to keep working with Goose to continue to prevent backtracking.  However, it is so wonderful to know that Goose also worked really hard to get to this point.  She will now have the skills to help her in the future as she encounters other disappointments, and believe me, we all know that there will be some - heck probably quite a few!