Monday, August 31, 2009

Weekly Wisdom - Feelings

I have been guilty of this, and sometimes still struggle with it.

Don't follow fickle feelings; follow God.

Webster's Dictionary defines "fickle" as "Not fixed or firm; liable to change; unstable." Your emotions and how you feel are unstable and liable to change. So, if you follow your feelings, then your life, your choices, and your actions will sway like a tree in strong wind.

Because your feelings can be unstable, it is important not to follow them exclusively. For example, there will probably be some days when you don't feel like being nice to your spouse. If you follow your feelings and act impulsively, then your marriage will have problems. Because feelings are unstable and unpredictable, someone who lives based on their feelings will also be unstable and unpredictable.

Indeed, James 1:8 says that someone who follows his feelings "is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

Instead of following our feelings, we need to follow God, for He is the only source of true stability. We need to take the same attitude as an old hymn, which says, "On Christ the solid Rock I stand, All other ground is sinking sand."

In Matthew 7:24-27, Jesus says, "Everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

That "rock" is God's Word. If we want to live solid, stable lives, they must be built on the rock—God, himself. Therefore, don't follow fickle feelings; follow God.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Ace of Spades

One day I will learn to control my compulsion to call it as I see it, until then - well I guess you will just have to deal with it. I have worked thru the issues of the past 8 months - I can see a picture of someone and not feel a thing - no anger, remorse, nothing. Yet some people seem to think I haven't moved on. They also still want to blame me for their issues. Ok - I'm a big girl and can handle it now, but don't think that I won't call a spade by any other name then a spade. At some point you will have to admit that what you are feeling is not because of me - you made your choices too, live with them and the consequences.

Question of the day:
If you have a "BEST FRIEND" do you send I LOVE YOU messages to them daily? Multiple times daily?? Or how about I LOVE YOU MORE and MOSTEST, etc???

Edit 8/31/09 @ 0652 - just so that it is known, I have been guilty of the above with a certain friend, thinking that it was what was needed. I know now, that was NOT what was needed and led to some REALLY confused feelings. Also, I had a friend text me calling me out on the feeling and thinking about things. Just because I have forgiven everyone involved, including myself, does not mean that I do not think about what happened. It also doesn't mean I don't care, it just means that I know that I can not focus on what happened.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Don't Think I Don't Think About It

But don't think I don't think about it
Don't think I don't have regrets
Don't think it don't get to me
Between the work and the hurt and the whiskey
Don't think I don't wonder 'bout
Could've been, should've been all worked out
I know what I felt, and I know what I said
But don't think I don't think about it
And we make choices, we gotta live with it
~ Darius Rucker ~

This chorus could totally be my thoughts some days. I don't want to think about it, I don't want to wonder. But it's true, we do have to live with our choices. I know I didn't make the right ones several times, but that is life - I have learned from them and hopefully will not make the same ones again. I hope that the other's involved have learned from them too.
One day I will look back at the past year and not have what if moments. I already am at the point that I know a certain someone was in my life for a reason and I am ok that she isn't a part of it now. I am glad that she was there when she was because she really did teach me alot. I also know that she has a lot of things she needs to work on herself and I am not the right person to help her with them. She knows what she needs to do and only she can do it. As for the 3rd of the triangle, she was in my life for a reason also. She helped to stop the black hole from closing in on me a couple times - for that I will be eternally grateful. I just hope she doesn't get hurt more, because I have this gut feeling that the hurt isn't over.

PSA - Texting and Driving

I am guilty of this, but after viewing this, I will NEVER do it again and will beg my friends and family to not to also. You never know what may happen and I do not want to be going to a funeral because of something that could have been prevented.

Let’s be honest, we have grown numb to Public Service Announcements (PSA) and numerous studies that throw statistics at us about the dangers of smoking, having unprotected sex, driving drunk, etc. We hear the numbers, but are we really getting it? Are we truly listening? Apparently not because these problems still exist and they are still killing people! And believe it or not, in today’s modern world the new killer is your cell phone! Talking on your cell phone while driving used to be the deadly killer, but now txting while driving has proven to be even more dangerous! Your risk of crashing increases 23x if you txt while driving! Twenty-three times! It’s actually more deadly than driving drunk! And despite the fact that 17 U.S. states ban txting while driving, you still see people doing it in nearly every car on the road. But perhaps this new PSA originating out of Gwent, Wales will change that.

***WARNING!***This is a graphic video that is very bloody and violent. It may be disturbing to some viewers.

The over 4 minute long PSA depicts three teen girls giggling over a txt message they are sending while peacefully driving along a country road. Distracted, the driver smashes head-on into another car causing both cars to spin out of control. When the car carrying the teenagers finally comes to a stop, the shaken and bloodied girls exchange dazed glances while a third car careens into the passenger side. The driver’s cries quickly turn into hysterical screams when she finds her friend lying dead next to her, along with another dead friend in the backseat. Then the camera switches to another smashed vehicle and shows a young child inside, asking paramedics why her parents are not waking up. The camera pans once more, this time to a 6-month-old baby still in its car seat, blue eyes wide open and staring. The baby is dead.

The video continues with more police, paramedics and firefighters arriving on the scene. They are cutting through twisted metal to pull bodies from the wreckage - some dead, some barely alive. The teenage txting driver who caused the crash is life-flighted away by helicopter.

Produced by the Gwent Police Department, police locked arms with filmmaker Peter Watkins-Hughes to produce the PSA, titled "COW - The Film That Will Stop You Texting and Driving," named after the character Cassie Cowan, who unleashes the lethal chain of events by txting behind the wheel. While this PSA might be a dramatization, it’s VERY realistic! It sends out a horrible visual to illustrate the dangers of txting while driving. However, Americans can only view this video online because currently it has been deemed "too graphic" to air on U.S. television. In my opinion, that’s a giant mistake. This is EXACTLY what people everywhere in the world need to see! It’s like being scared straight. I was never one to txt (much) while driving, but after watching this video, there is no way I’m sending out a single txt behind the wheel. I’m a risk taker, but this is one risk I’m just not willing to take.

Faithful Friday - Trust & Hope

He provides for me yet again.

Psalm 146:5-6 - Blessed is he whose whose hope is in the LORD his God

Anyone who places their trust or hope in people will ultimately be disappointed, since no one has the ability, permanence, integrity, or reliability to perfectly keep their promises or meet others expectations.

In contrast, God existed throughout all eternity and created everything in existence, and He has governed and guided His creation throughout the eons. He is also perfectly good and faithful to keep His promises, and He always acts for His children's benefit. Therefore, those who follow God can trust that He will guide our lives toward beneficial ends, according to His eternal perspective. Moreover, He will never abandon us.


I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn over what is going to happen to me, but the world will rejoice. You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy. John 16:20, NLT

What a contrast between the disciples and the world! The world rejoiced as the disciples wept, but the disciples would see him again (in three days) and rejoice. The world's values are often the opposite of God's values.

This can cause Christians to feel like misfits. But even if life is difficult now, one day we will rejoice. Keep your eye on the future and on God's promises!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I do care

Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy -- the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation. ~ Eric Hoffer

I have set myself up to be disappointed way too many times. It probably goes back to the whole trust thing. Because of this, I catch myself keeping my guard up, not letting people in. I am also being reserved in who I share what with, but unfortunately it is effecting people it shouldn't. I have shut out my best friend from high school because I didn’t want to deal with being hurt anymore. Same with my husband. The door has been slammed shut and the chain placed so that it can only be opened ****** this wide. IT’S NOT FAIR! I try, but it is easier to not get my hopes up, because I can not handle history repeating itself.

Does this mean I don’t care? Heck NO! I care tremendously. There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr. But for my peace, I have to be VERY careful. If you have hurt me in the past, I have forgiven you - however, it is hard for my brain to process that I need to let go of the hurt. I let my past dictate my future, even though I know I shouldn’t. I am working on that - promise.

I’m sorry if I have shut you out, but know I still do care.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Peek A Boo


Oh by the way - all you visitors to my site, I see you too! (got to love counters)

Feel free to look around and leave comments - I think I have it set up so anyone can leave messages, even anon if you want. (unless you are afraid to, since you know, I am supposedly the one not over it)

Leave it to me to have issues AFTER I post this. All is fixed and you can now leave comments. I had to fix my widgets!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


We did it, we survived the first day - despite being a little late because the school wasn't real clear as to what time to arrive. Normally the children who go to religion do not get to school until 840, with classes starting at 850. E will be one of these children. Well the first day they did not want the kinder class going to religion and just go to the school. Oh well minor set back, now we know and it is all good. 10 minutes isn't huge in the scheme of things is it!? Oh and E had a melt down because I made her change into her tennis shoes. This coming from a girl who 2 months ago would never take them off and thought that flip-flops were evil! On the way home she did confess she was glad I made her wear them though!

Posing at home

Leaving the sitter's house

On the way to school

Pouting because of the shoes still!

After School treat! That was suppose to be shared ;o)

Monday, August 24, 2009

Just Breathe

ACK!!!!!!! The day is almost upon me - the day I have been dreading since I gave birth - Kindergarten starts tomorrow for E! I can not focus on anything but playing out how the morning is going to go. At first I thought it was just all the caffeine I have consumed that I have been flighty, then I am honest with myself - I know it is the anxiety of this next adventure in our lives. I keep telling myself I need to breathe - inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

I know she will do fine - I mean come on she went to daycare for 4 years. As of right now I am not worried about tears. I am more worried about how she will fit in. I know, I know - there is no sense in worrying, but it's hard not to!

in thru the nose, out thru the mouth

Weekly Wisdom - Frustrated

Frustrated? It may be because you're trying to make something happen that only God can make happen.

Whenever you are doing what God has called you to do, it is important to rely on His strength, His grace, and His power to complete your task. You will become frustrated if you try to make things happen on your own strength instead of relying on God. God is the author and finisher of His plans (Hebrews 12:2), and you must not try to take the place of God if you expect things to work out.

In Colossians 1:26-27, Paul reveals a mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations... Christ in you, the hope of glory. In other words, there is something that people of the past didn't know—it was hidden from them, a mystery to them—but Paul is now revealing that mystery to us: Christ lives in all who believe in Him! No longer is God just with his people—God now lives in his people!

Also, note that it is Christ in you that's the hope of glory—not Christ and you.

Paul then continues by saying that he labors and works for the gospel, but all of his labor is really done by Christ's power, which so powerfully works in [him] (Colossians 1:29).
If you're trying to labor without Christ's power at work within you, then your labor will be frustrating and in vain. You need to stop trying, and start dying to self so that you may be alive to Christ's power.

Struggle and frustration occur when you try to do God's job by your own strength—rather than relying on Christ's strength, which is at work in you.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Mikesell Reunion

Today was a fun filled day visiting with B's mom side of the family down in Cedarville / Clifton.

Tending to the most yummy shrimp ever!

The Hosts


cousins ( 5yo - 6 yo - 5 yo)

Great Aunt

Majority of Gang



Making Ice Cream

Me and my fam

Friday, August 21, 2009

Faithful Friday

He really knows I struggle with this for He keeps sending me gentle reminders - this was in my inbox today

So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today. Matthew 6:34 NLT

Earlier in this passage Jesus assures his disciples that God knows their every need. If He feeds the birds of the air, will he not feed us?

Then Jesus brings us the shocking truth: our anxiety is connected to doubt and unbelief! To worry about tomorrow is a sign that we don't trust our heavenly Father to take care of us. We are called to deal with the things of today and trust that the God who knows our name has our tomorrows in His hands. So anxiety or worry is a symptom of an unbelieving heart.

How do we get rid of worry? Our answer comes with repentance, then realigning our heart with God's promise to meet our needs. The promises in Matthew 6 alone have enough bread from heaven to sustain us in the midst of this troubled time.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

the babblin brook

Day 4 almost complete and I must say that I wish I would have moved the girls to a home provider 6 months ago when I first looked into it. It may have prevented some of the crap – but I am not going there. I am thankful that I have found a WONDERFUL provider. My children are the most content that I have ever seen them. A just smiled and waved me away this morning, E is enjoying the individual attention she is getting. The extra mileage is worth it for the care and piece of mind!

I have been practicing my mantra for Tuesday – I will not cry, she is a big girl, I will not cry. I have to let her spread her wings and I can not let my worries hinder her. We have been talking daily about the changes that are coming and how awesome she will do – to see the smile on her face is worth everything!

I have been released from counseling; I have worked thru the issues at hand. She was a little concerned because of my feelings on Sunday; so if I have anymore of those types of days I am to call and she will work me in that day. Alot of my problem on that day was I wasn't communicating to B how agitated and nervous I was about all the changes coming up. Overall – the depressed mood has passed – I am ready to move on.

Tonight is going to be rough – we are going as an extended family to B’s G-Pa’s favorite restaurant to celebrate his birthday. It has been a little over 7 months since he has passed so I am sure that the emotions will be all over the board. I am putting my big girl panties on and going so that I can support B – I will be medicated though because if my FIL is a jerk as usual I do not want to take his bait.

Enough babbling from me – Love to all - oh and mom HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


As I sit here and listen to my girls giggling, I realize how blessed I am. I have two amazing daughters that are perfect. I am fairly healthy albeit some emotional stuff. I have a roof over my head and food to feed my family. What more can one ask for??

Part of my job is to review history and physicals of all patients having surgery - and there have been a couple here lately that make me stop and pray. I do not know what I would do if I knew that the procedure I am coming in for may or may not work. And if it didn't what would be my outcome, how long would I have to live - to spend with my girls? I do not know what I would do if God determined that I could handle a special needs child and then to be further trialed by incapacitating her further in an accident. Would I be able to handle the fact that my daughter would never walk, talk, smile, or laugh?

I some times forget how precious each moment is - I get so caught up in the day to day rat race that I forget to stop and just be thankful. My goal is to pause thru out the day and just praise the Lord for what I am privileged to partake in - what I have been blessed with - then at the end of the day list in my journal the 3 top blessings.

My challenge to you is do the same. Feel free to leave them here in the comments (I know you all are out there reading this) or start your own journal.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Good Day

I debated on posting since I have posted alot here lately - but I was so excited at how the day went yesterday I just have to!

The girls did wonderful at the babysitter's house!!!!!! E was the most calm and relaxed she has been in a long time once we got home. I mean to the point I wondered if she was sick because she didn't fight me one bit on anything - including leaving the TV off!! A didn't want me to leave, but K takes her and gets her involved in something and I just slip out - she fusses for maybe 2 minutes. YAY!! I know it was only the first day, but it I have a feeling that all will work out just a-ok - thank you Lord!

Now just to get thru next Tuesday - I keep telling myself it will be ok. There are 2 part-time children at the sitters who are in E's class so thankfully she will know a couple faces the first day, making it a little easier on her.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Weekly Wisdom

how ironic - this was in my inbox today. Yesterday was a very hard day for me and He provides me a gentle reminder of what is needed.

You can't enjoy today if you're worrying about the past or the future.

Your mind and your thoughts could be stuck in the past, continually thinking about what has already happened. If that's the case, it's best to get over it. The past has already happened; you can't do anything to change it. Rather, you ought to trust God that he is working out those things for ultimate good (see Romans 8:28).

On the other hand, your mind could be stuck in the future, thinking about what might happen, what you fear will happen, and things you wish wouldn't happen. However, being a person of faith requires trust--trusting God about the future.

Romans 15:13 says, May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him. You'll have joy and peace when you trust in God. Why? Because you'll be able to rest and relax knowing that God has good plans in store for you (Jeremiah 29:11).

Don't worry about the past or the future. Instead, have faith; trust God. When you trust God to help you learn from the past and provide for your future, you're free to enjoy your life today.

Sunday, August 16, 2009


I can not sit still today - there is so much on my mind - and all I want to do is cry. I have been trying to hold myself together but the later in the day it gets the harder it is to do so.

I am tired of hearing all about my poor sister and how much better she did in school with no job and how they want to make sure she's happy since she moved out when she was in high school. Now that she is back in the home they have been kissing her ass. *my parents would do anything for any of us 3 kids, dont get me wrong, but I have a low tolerance right now and this has been grating on me*

Panic has set in over the changes - I have been trying to be strong for the girls, but I can't be. I am so worried about the babysitter and school starting. I need to keep myself medicated or drunk - and seeing how I can't go to work drunk medication it is.

The hole has been closing in and today it has almost sucked me in.


Saturday Fun

We wanted to do something as a family yesterday if I ended up not having to work the 2nd job - which with mixed feeings I didn't.

Our choices were:

1) Flag City Balloon Fest

2)Lawn Mower Races
Check out live action here

3) A friend's house for some kart racing, 4-wheeling and general hanging out around the fire.

Our Choice:

Originally we were going to the lawn mower races and the friend's house, but decided why shell out $6 for something we could recreate for free - well sort of.


I was going thru my saved blogs from when I had Myspace and found one that I would like to reshare.

This is where I started to realize I wasn't being true to me and letting a friend's feelings sway me. I was reaching out - letting it be known I was wrong. If you know me, this isn't who I am - I try to be the cup is half full person, but I got caught up in some negativity. (I cut out some of the essay/blog, but the link is there if you want to see it in it's entirety.)

April 11, 2009 - Saturday
In the process of . . . trying to find who I am. I have lost the true Mary. I got caught up in this thing called collusion and I am not proud. Collusion as defined in Merriam-Webster : secret agreement or cooperation especially for an illegal or deceitful purpose
I would like to share a wonderful blog that I have found and I am hoping that with dedication and realization, I can find myself again.

Collusion (Part 1)
July 5th, 2006 by Christine Kane

When you set intent or when you set goals - especially the challenging and risky kind - that mere action can bring up lots of discomfort. It’s an opportunity for you to look at all the beliefs you hold that contradict your new intention for yourself. Sometimes, rather than face these beliefs head on, we try to distract ourselves from the discomfort they create inside us. One of the ways I see people living in distraction over and over is with what I call collusion. Even though collusion is dictionarily (dictionarily?) defined as a secret agreement for a fraudulent purpose, I use it to describe a social behavior.

Collusion happens any time you’re with someone and you talk badly about somebody else who isn’t there. Maybe a co-worker. Maybe a friend who started her own business and is now succeeding. Maybe you do it in your own family. It’s deeper than gossip, though gossip is the same basic idea. . . . Collusion is such an easy and addictive way to distract yourself from the good stuff that comes from facing your own discomfort. . . .

Colluding is not about you not being nice enough. It has more to do with your own fear and insecurity. Colluding hurts you. It disempowers you. It keeps you distracted and agitated enough that you’ll remain just short of your intentions, and they’ll have a harder time manifesting.The bottom line is that it’s a lot more work and a lot more scary to sit still and ask of yourself, Why is this getting to me? Why do I want to trash this person?

So, then, Why Do We Collude? There’s a wide range of motivations for collusion. One thing I’ve noticed is that we do it because it’s the easiest thing to do. And it’s so socially acceptable. (There are entire blogs dedicated to trashing celebrities. And people love them!) It’s a way to pass the time. It’s a way of connecting with people when you don’t know there’s a deeper way to connect.I see collusion as an addiction. A distraction from the real issue. And the real issue is you. And fear. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear that you’ll always be alone. . .

Collusion and Friendships One of the unhealthiest aspects of female friendships that I see and have participated in is the unspoken contract that says: If we’re friends, then I’ll hate the same people you hate. I’ll hate your ex-husband. I’ll hate your lame boss. I’ll trash the pretty new employee that works down the hall from you just because you think she’s a slut. And in all of this diss-ing, we’ll have our bond.That, as far as I’m concerned, is an old model. And it makes for weak relationships.A more empowering friendship is one where you can listen or just allow space if your friend is getting triggered by, say, an angry boss. It’s not that you don’t have deep compassion and understanding for why his behavior is hurting your friend. But jumping in and adding, “You’re right. What an idiot. He’s a loser!” just keeps the situation stuck and in drama. It stops your friend’s growth in its tracks. . . .

Saturday, August 15, 2009


*I would normally save this for Faithful Friday, but this is twice that this message has been relayed to me - once in my reading and just now in my daily devotional.*

They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, "All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!" John 8:7, NLT

This is a significant statement about judging others. Because Jesus upheld the legal penalty for adultery, stoning, he could not be accused of being against the law. But by saying that only a sinless person could throw the first stone, he highlighted the importance of compassion and forgiveness.

When others are caught in sin, are you quick to pass judgment? To do so is to act as though you have never sinned. It is God's role to judge, not ours. Our role is to show forgiveness and compassion.


I just finished reading "Let Go" by Sheila Walsh thanks to M. I must say I had tears while reading some of it - just because I could see myself in so much that was written. I knew that my relationship with God had been put on the back burner, but I didn't realize how lost I was. It took hitting the bottom of the black hole back in June to realize that He was there the whole time waiting for me. Since I have turned back to trusting Him I have been more at peace with my life than I have in a long time. Not to say there have not been trials - but they look a whole lot different when you put your faith in Him.

Here is just a small snippet of the book - "Let go of what, Lord? I'm trying to hold on to our lives here. What do you want me to let go of?" It became clear to me that I was being invited to let go of everything.
* Let go of trying to fix this
* Let go of trying to work out what will happen
* Let go of protecting yourself

M- THANK YOU for sharing this book, I will get both books and your CD back to you soon.

Other thoughts -

I am slowly refinding myself. I had let other's negativity bring me down and I allowed myself to behave inappropriately. I am ashamed of some of the things I have said and did, but dwelling on them will not help. Neither will focusing on what others think or say. From this point forward I am being true to myself.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Faithful Friday

So watch yourselves! "If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive." Luke 17:3-4, NLT

To rebuke does not mean to point out every sin we see; it means to bring sin to a person's attention with the purpose of restoring him or her to God and to fellow humans.

When you feel you must rebuke another Christian for a sin, check your attitudes before you speak. Do you love the person? Are you willing to forgive? Unless rebuke is tied to forgiveness, it will not help the sinning person.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

100 MPH

There are several changes coming up that I am anxious over. My thoughts are going 100 MPH and it is hard to focus. I worked ahead so work is not suffering too much - Thank goodness!

The girls are starting at the baby sitter’s house on Monday – I have not used a home provider since E was a wee one. I had a very bad experience that really made me leery of using them – thankfully the experience was just that she would scream and cry from drop off to pick up, and her not being hurt. But that was enough to make me not want to use a sitter, well that and one day when I went to drop off the sitter was no where to be found for 10 minutes – while the other children were sitting in the living room and the door was unlocked. I know the girls will be fine – this lady seems wonderful – it is just mommy worries.

E is starting kinder on the 25th – no no no no NO! I have been worrying about this day since she was born. I want my baby to have fun – I want her to be liked. I don’t want her to have to go thru the teasing I endured – I don’t want her to have to go thru the hours of tears and finding ways to be sick so she doesn’t have to go. I have no worries about being able to do the school work – it is the social aspect I am fretting about. During orientation last night there wasn't a whole lot of opportunities for the kiddos to interact - I wish there was - but she seemed ok with going off by herself to take a bus ride. Of course on the way home she said "No one sat with me" in her saddest voice.

On a side note – we switched dentist offices and today was our first appointment – must say I really like it there. E had a wonderful check-up – we are going to watch the little skin piece that connects the upper lip to the gums. It may cause her to be a little gaped tooth when she gets older – so we may have it clipped – but the dentist wants to wait until she is 13ish to decide. As for me, teeth are still looking good, just the usual reminder I need to floss – GAG – I hate flossing because I always end up gagging myself!! How do you get your fingers back there without putting too much of your hand in??

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The difference is ?

I had a few weeks of being really emotional – like crying because someone looked at me – mainly because I had lost one of my best friends. This person knew me better than people who had been around me most of my adult life. I took losing her really hard, but I was trying to work thru those emotions. Now I am being told that how I was feeling is different than a girl who cried herself to sleep for 7 to 9 months because she didn’t have her best friend! What?!? This person says she knew who she was without this friend, but was missing her – umm hello exactly what I was feeling. But according to them, I didn't know who I was without her - no I knew who I was – mom, wife (although a crappy one), dedicated worker, etc.
I was missing the times we had together, the laughing, the talking, the walks, and I could go on. I was dealing with my best friend telling me she didn’t want to have anything to do with me – at all – and unless you have went thru the exact same thing; you don’t know how it feels. You may have an inkling of what it is like, but unless you were in my shoes you don’t know. This person was my support, my rock – and I did rely on her more than I probably should have, but she made it a little hard not to. She kept telling me how she wanted to take care of me and do what ever she could for me. At first I resisted then slowly I started to let her help.

So can anyone tell me how me being upset over losing this friend is any different than the person who cried herself to sleep because she missed her friend? My emotions were a little extreme at times, I will readily admit that, but I don't deal well with rejection - and this was an ultimate rejection.
EDITED TO ADD: I was going to add some more details about how this person acted, but you know what, it's not important. I will not use what I know to hurt and I need to focus on me.
I know what I did wrong, I know how I felt and why I acted the way I did. But ultimately it boils down to I missed my friend - you can say that other things are involved but in reality they are not - I was able to move past what everyone is so caught up on - well the version they have heard from the friend. I know what was said and what I meant - and how I explained it to this person when she asked me to. If things were different is the key.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Girly Girl

I have a girly girl. I do not know what to do with said girly girl, because if you know me, I am so NOT a girly girl. My makeup consists of moisturizer and lipstick - honestly I have tried other makeup - I have a drawer full to prove it - I just do not like wearing it, nor does my face. I have jewelry, but only wear my wedding set when going out. I have dress clothes, but feel most at home in jeans and a T.

Last night I painted E's nails and A threw a fit until I did hers. She sat patiently between my legs as I prettied up her toenails. Then she promptly threw on her beads, picked up her doggy purse and paraded thru the house. This is from a 15 mo old! I can only imagine what I am in for as she gets older!!!

I am amazed at the difference between my 2 girls - one is cuddly while the other is not - one is rough and tumble while yeah you guessed it the other is not - I can go on, but I won't bore you with all my observations.


Monday, August 10, 2009

Weekly Wisdom

He provides again - one of my weekly wisdoms

A breakthrough requires a trial to break through.

It would be nice to simply wake up one day and suddenly be a mature Christian, but in order to grow up in God, we will have to go through trials. There is no other way to grow strong spiritually than to go through trials.

1 Peter 5:10 says, And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. You may not like trials, but this verse says that when you are going through trials after you have suffered a little while, you will grow to be firmly rooted and grounded (strong, firm and steadfast) in God.

Similarly, James 1:12 says, Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. Here again, you don't get the rewards (the crown of life) until you have persevered under trial and stood the test.

So, learn to be thankful in your trials, because in order to get your breakthrough, you need a trial to break through.

Therefore, don't be discouraged during times of suffering. Know that after you have suffered a little while, God himself will make you strong firm and steadfast.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I work hard for the money

Is it too much to ask to stick to a budget??

Money is tight for us right now, as I am sure it is for many. I have cut corners in several areas both at home and at work. I didn't need the daily Starbucks fix, so I go on Monday and Friday. I try to keep my lunch to under $3 - which isn't too hard if I do the 500 cal meal for $2.15. I take out $20 for 2 weeks of misc purchases, whether it be a soda or whatever, and once it is gone, it is gone. (I budget about $15 more for lunches at work - which comes right out of my paycheck) I have turned down ordering out at work or going out with the girls because I did not have the money or didn't want to spend my money on that. I have chose to not eat a lot at dinner for a couple reasons, one my waistline doesn't need it and two I want to make sure that my girls have enough to eat. Now don't think that we are dirt poor, I am trying to make what we have last as long as I can so I don't fix huge dinners - we are a family that rarely eats leftovers unless I can fix it into something else. (I once made square meatballs for spaghetti out of a meatloaf) And we are VERY fortunate because every year for Christmas my parents buy us a 1/4 of a beef (the year I requested this my mom thought I was nuts, but seriously it is the gift that keeps on giving all year) Oops, off on a tangent there (and why did all my examples have to do with food?)

Not my husband. He will take out $40 to $50 and then still use his debit card for more crap. Seriously, do you need a slice of pizza for breakfast when you could get up on time and make an egg? Do you really need to buy a soda every day? (YES I know this habit is way down from the 12 pack plus a day one) Did you have to buy the UFC fight just because you wanted to?? *note - his spending habit has actually gotten better, but there still is lots of room for improvement* As far as eating goes - no I'm not going there. It's just not worth it.

It may sound like I harbor some resentment, and maybe I do just a little, but I work my ass off for this family. I have 2 jobs just so that I can do what - struggle some more? I do not want to be $20,000 in debt again to the credit cards. I do not want to have to wonder where the next meal is coming from. I want to feel like we both are in this together instead of me fighting to keep things above water to just be pulled under by him.

What spurred this rant?? Touching our children's money - without talking about it - is a HUGE no no. In the past, we have used E's CD to bail us out, but I try REALLY hard not to touch it. However, tonight I found out all of A's money was taken from her piggy bank (close to $200). This was money that I was going to use to purchase a CD for her with. His excuse was you wanted the bills paid right??? Ummm yeah, but not with our child's money and if we had to use it, it was something we should of talked about. Hard concept to grasp?? I think not! Maybe I am in the wrong, but damn it where is the communication that we are suppose to be having.


*and before it is said that I don't appreciate all he does, I do. I know he has a very hard, physical job - and I appreciate that he is willing to do it. I also know putting up with me isn't easy.*


My mind is mush so I will let some pics do the talking.

Busy day yesterday of haircuts, birthday party, and camping (well visiting family camping). I was suppose to go to Square Fair to see 38 Special, but when we got home at 9 last night I was ready to just stay in - it sucks getting old! But I must say - LOTS of fun was had - and that is all that matters!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Not Ready

Well the babysitter situation panned out to be a good one! We interviewed each other Thursday night and she offered us *drum roll please* a position for both girls! I am excited and a little heart broken too. It will be wonderful to have the girls at the same place, with a 20+ yr veteran of sitting, and not having to drop 1 off here and 1 there. The sad part is I was looking forward to having my friend M watch A. M is such a wonderful person and influence that anyone would be lucky to have her watch their children. To top it off, I would have gotten to see M daily, guess I will have to do better at being social.

We finished up school shopping last night *sniff* It is hard to believe that my "baby" will be starting kinder on the 25th. Where has the last 5 yrs gone?? I can remember her first steps (at 8 mo), the time I felt like a horrible mom cause she pulled my curling iron down and burnt the back of her hand (like instantly blistered burnt), her first words, and on and on and on. I keep telling myself that I need to embrace this and that I need to look at all the wonderful things we have to come. School programs, soccer, more mouth, more independence. BUT I'M NOT READY!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 7, 2009

Tomorrow is a New Day

Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.
He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day
who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in.
Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely with too high a spirit
to be cumbered with your old nonsense.
This new day is too dear,with its hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on the yesterdays.
ralph waldo emerson

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Screw It

I've decided to open up the blog for anyone to see. If you are offended by what is written, tough toe nails. This is my thoughts, my feelings, nobody told you you had to agree. Also, if you think this is attacking you, it's not, it is just a venting, and if I really have a beef with you, I would have already discussed it with you before posting.

Oh and people, don't take life so seriously -and don't put all your eggs into one basket. I've learned the hard way, it's not worth it!


PS -for those of you just stumbling upon my site and those that know me but I have never shared with - I struggle with depression and anxiety. I also had a major breakdown just over a month ago. Things are slowly getting better - it is like the old adage, one step forward for every two back - but I'm getting there. My relationship with God is something that I am working on also - so you will see some posts about that - I am not trying to force it on you, but sharing what has helped or spoke to me.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


am I that bad of a person? things are falling out from under me again - I don't know if I can handle a second breakdown so close to the last.

I am starting to become teary eyed at everything - I am really really really struggling right now. My mask is cracking and there is no putting it back together.

Oy Vey

Well the school threw a monkey wrench into things - in the long run it's going to be good, but it reeks havoc on the babysitting situation. We just found out that kinder is going to be all day, every day instead of every Monday Wednesday and every other Friday like they told us this Spring. People are scrambling to figure out what to do with their children, me included!

In other news, the black hole is coming back. I'm ready to give up.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Too Smart

As we were driving into town yesterday morning they were discussing why people have affairs on the radio (T102). They wanted callers to give their opinion as to why based on their gender. Guys - were mainly for the sport. Gals - because they are missing something. The female host said she thinks it is because the women are generally unhappy and the men can or will not give them the emotional support that they need.
This is when E pipes in with: "Mom that's you, you are so not happy with daddy."
*HUGE pregnant pause*
Me: "I love you very much E and am glad to be at home. Dad and I do argue, but we are working on that."

What do you say to a 5 yo when she hits the nail on the head, yet you don't want to drag her in the mess any more than what she is?


God created everything through him, and nothing was created except through him. The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. John 1:3-5, NLT

Do you ever feel that your life is too complex for God to understand?
Remember, God created the entire universe, and nothing is too difficult for him. God created you; he is alive today, and his love is bigger than any problem you may face.

Monday, August 3, 2009

A day in the life of ....


530 - alarm goes off (hit snooze x3)
600 - up and at'em (shower and dress)
615 - make sure girls are up
625- get scolded by the youngest because her Nutrigrain Bar isn't waiting for her
630 - get scolded by oldest because she doesn't want that * this is when I say I'm not a diner *
640 - go back upstairs to see if the slug is getting out of bed for work
650 - do my hair n brush teeth - oh and say bye to the slug
700 - prod oldest to eat something
715 - change n dress A
720 - wrestle E into bathroom to get hair combed n brush her teeth
730 - threaten bodily harm to E to get her dressed n shoes on
740 - out the door
800 -drop off at the funny farm, I mean day care
810 to 510 - blissful quiet! well as much as one can have at work
511 - listen to "what are we having for supper?" "I don't want that!" "do you have a treat?" "but mom WHY NOT!?!?!?!"
540 - slaving away over stove
600 - munch chomp gurgle (no thanks or that was good - or wait is that what that means)
620 - clean up table and kitchen
630 - play with the girls on non bath nights - bathes on, well bath nights duh
715 - unwind time
730 - BEDTIME!
740 - still trying to get E to her room
750 - still fighting
800 - yeah still fighting
815 - give up and lay with E
845 - back down to pretend to do housework - that is if I didn't fall asleep too
930 - my bedtime which means I get to sleep about 10 or 1030
1030 - hope and pray everyone sleeps thru the night

then hit repeat - yeah it's like Groundhog Day - over and over and over


I am continuously amazed at how He provides guidance for me ... This is one of my weekly wisdom that was in my inbox this morning.

Before you can love others, you must receive God's love for yourself, because you cannot give away something you don't have.

God deeply and intimately loves you! His love for you is unconditional—no strings attached, and there is nothing that you can do to get God not to love you. Indeed, Romans 8:38-39 says that there is nothing that can ever separate us from God's love.

Knowing that God loves you is central to your understanding of the Gospel, for the entire Gospel is based on God's love (See John 3:16, Romans 5:8, 1 John 3:16, 1 John 4:9-10). The good news is that God hasn't withheld His love from us; instead, God has poured out his love into our hearts (Romans 5:5).

But what do we do with that love? We know God loves us, but so what? What should we do with God's love? Give it away! Since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another (1 John 4:11). In other words, our response to the news of God's love for us needs to be to love others. Indeed, Jesus repeatedly commanded us to love others (See Matthew 5:43-47, Mark 12:28-31, Luke 6:27-35, John 13:34-35, John 15:12,17).

However, it is impossible to love others unless you know, believe and receive God's love. 1 John 4:19 says, We love because he first loved us. In other words, we are able to love other people, because God first showed His love to us. If God hadn't shown His love to us, we would have no standard and no example on which to base our love for others.

Similarly, 1 John 4:7 says, Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Here again, our ability to love one another is only because love comes from God.

Think of your ability to love others like a glass of water. At first, the glass is empty. If you don't have any water in your glass, then you obviously can't give water to anyone else. But when you hold your glass under a faucet and let the water pour out into your glass, it will fill up. Then, once it is full, your glass will overflow, and you can let the water pour out to everyone around you.

If you don't have love in you, then you can't give love to anyone else. Therefore, you must first receive God's love, before you can love one another.

Sunday, August 2, 2009


As I was cleaning and folding the never ending laundry I was thinking (I know big shock there).

I have surrounded myself with maybe friends. By that I mean they are there - maybe if it works for them. I have people that say they would be there for me no matter what, but when I needed them most they disappeared. It is no wonder that I feel like some days I am battling an army by myself. One person repeatedly cancels plans - it is to the point that I just say ok and if it happens great, if not I don't lose sleep anymore (yeah I use to because that's how I roll). At least twice since my breakdown this has happened. It hurt real bad because at that point I needed to keep myself busy, to keep my mind occupied with something else. I didn't expect answers or to talk about what happened. I just wanted to be goofy - I wanted to be me - the way I use to be. I wanted to forget that I had lost my mind. I never got that chance. I'm sorry that your other friend was sick, but could we not have done something ourselves? I know you needed to study, but really - was it necessary to cancel when you had this planned for awhile? It wasn't like I was going to stay over night as originally planned. This past weekend proved that I am great at picking out maybe friends - like the one I climbed out on the limb for. Then there was that one person who I am no longer going to mention.


Maybe one day I will be blessed with what I need - but I know I need to put my faith in Him before that can happen.

Saturday, August 1, 2009


I was thinking about the trust thing that M brought up and doing some searching because, well that is what I do best.

Trust involves sharing what you really think, believe, and feel. It's about opening up your heart and mind, and letting others do the same. It is risky. It means enabling other people to take advantage of your vulnerabilities—but expecting that they will not do this. Maybe one can argue that there is goodwill involved, in that you don't want anything bad to happen to that person either.

It is the ability to let others into your life so that you and they can create a relationship built on an understanding of mutual respect, caring and concern to assist one another in growing and maturing independently.

I place myself in the vulnerable position because I like to believe that everyone has good qualities and I focus on them, then fool myself into believing that they deserve a little piece of me. By this I mean that if I open up to you, I am laying my heart on the line because I am giving you 100% (yeah I don't know what a little bit is). I always hope that in doing this I will gain someone that I can count on, someone that will care for me like I do others. Each and every time I do this, I get crushed because I am choosing the wrong people to trust. I need to learn to turn to God and the people He blesses me with (like M).

Out on a limb

I knew I was stepping out on a limb the past week, that one wrong move and I would fall. I kept telling myself that I was not going to let the outcome effect me, for I knew what the answer would be deep down. I would be in the wrong again and trying to hurt or tear them apart. I was prepping myself for the news that the person was done talking - I was even ready to step out of their lives, but I was told that they weren't sure that is what they wanted. I guess that is when I got my hopes up that we could be adults about the matter and at least semi friends despite having the issues of the past in the way. I knew that T would still be in her life, that is ok - I wasn't asking to share that part or for her to give it up. And I was done talking about that part with her too - it brought too many emotions back to the surface. Well I started to wobble on that limb Friday night when I didn't get an answer back on how she was doing. When I tried again today with the same result I knew and my footing slipped. I am falling into a hole again- the damn tears will not stop.

Why do I do this to myself?? Why do I torture myself?? Why do I even let myself hope for something??

I am hoping that since I know what is going on, that this is just a short fall, that I can climb out quickly. So if you see me and I don't acknowledge you, remind me that I am strong. Remind me that I can do this, I survived one of the worst heartaches ever losing T and I can survive this too.

Busy Saturday

It has been a long day already! I finally got my new phone, so when I woke up this morning I activated it and am trying to get a feel for the new keypad inside. They moved the space key so if you get a message from me'm.stillbtryingbtobreprogrambmybfingers!!!

We met my parents in Lima for breakfast and then school clothes shopping for E. It was nice, but believe me by the time breakfast was over, I was ready to go home. I can only tolerate my mom in small doses - I love her tremendously, but when I am around her I do not like who I become. I try my hardest to not be like her (uptight, critical, etc) and unfortunately I know I am more like her than I want to admit. Also when I am around her I feel like I am 8 again and that I can do nothing for myself or right. I hate that so much.

B is gone for the day - off to a demo in Toledo - so it will be just the girls and I for the rest of the day - I wonder what kind of trouble we can get into.
I am going to try and not think because I feel like I am on the verge of tears.

edit: too late tears are flowing and its going to be an even longer day me thinks. I need to find someone to watch the girls because I can not be a mom right now