Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Wordless Wednesday - it happens

Enough said!


I have an awesome fall jacket that I purchased from Kohl’s a couple years ago that at the time was snug, but I just had to have it (hush peanut gallery). The last time I wore this thing was, well last fall, and I looked like a fat Vienna sausage in it so I promptly hung it back up in its place of honor. I have looked at that jacket and thought to myself, I need to give it to someone that could really use a jacket, goodness knows I only have 20 others.

Well this morning I asked Goose if I should wear the boring parka emblazoned with the hospital’s logo and name or this fall gem. “Mom you have to wear that one, it is so cool!” So I slowly slipped one arm in, hey that wasn’t so bad, then I slipped the other in. SWEET, I am no longer fat guy in a little coat! (ok who wants to get brownie points and post a comment of what movie this is from!? I know it, but lets see if you do!)

I am ready to rock this jacket this season!! It was the little boost I needed. Who needs to go buy new clothes when you can unearth gems from the back of the closet. You know those ones that you say I will keep because one day I will fit in them (fill in the blank with whatever is your poison).

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Dear ...

Dear Family,

It would be wonderful if you could read my mind, ok, ok, how about just listen to me for once!!

When I ask you nicely to do something, don't sit there and roll your eyes - don't you know if someone came along and slapped your back you would be stuck like that! (ok, myb not, but you don't need to know that)

Also, I may not come right out and tell you to do something, but when I am listing off the things that need to be done, that means DO IT, or at least help me!! I know I am super mom and capable of doing 101 things at once, but it does not mean I like doing 101 things!!

Oh, and little one, the constant "Uh" and pulling at the pant leg does not make supper appear any sooner. I will feed you at least once today, promise.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Your ever loving Wife & Mom

Dear Boss,

If you are going to pass off the article you asked ME to write as your own, don't forward the email from YOUR higher ups asking you to add this and that to it - and then expect me to make the changes. You took the credit, you make the changes dear. But do I say that to you, no because then what would I have to blog about??
Oh and don't be surprised when I plead my case for a raise again for assigning me things that go above and beyond "OTHER".

Your ever faithful employee

Comment Help

As a blogger I love comments - however I am seeing that people are having issues leaving comments.

I fixed this once - ggrrr

Does anyone have any suggestions??? I would say leave a comment, but seeing how that is the issue!!! contact me here and put comment help in the subject line!

Thanks so much!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Weekly Wisdom - Valuable

You are valuable not because of who you are, but because of whose you are.

What is it that makes you valuable? What makes you feel important? Is it your wealth? The fact that you're well educated? Do you feel important because you get lots of cell phone calls, so that must mean you're popular? Or do you feel valuable because you have a high position of leadership at work?

While it certainly isn't wrong to be wealthy, well educated, popular, or in leadership, we must not let those things define our worth and value, because things can (and likely will) fail us. Cars break down; houses burn down; profits sink down; and with them, our self-worth falls down.

But God declares that you're worth everything to him -- you're worth all Christ offered. You are not your own; you were bought at a price (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). That price is the life of Jesus.

You are precious in God's sight -- you're his child (Ephesians 1:5). Almost every parent would agree that his or her child is the most precious thing in the world; and that's the way God views you! It's no wonder God labels his people as his treasured possession (Deuteronomy 14:2).

Don't let wealth, education, popularity, status, or anything else define your value. Know that you worth everything to God, because you're His.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Future Artists

While mommy took a 15 min catnap and Ducky was napping - Goose played school!

Not to be outdone, Ducky wanted to color too!

Both of my girls decided to tap their artistic side - I should be a proud mommy, right!?! I seriously died laughing once I realized Ducky wasn't bleeding. And Goose's handiwork - well I told her calmly that I was proud of how well she wrote her name, but that I was really upset it was on the lampshade!

Anyone have any suggestions on how to further remove the marker/ink from the shade??? In the pic I have already doused it in rubbing alcohol.

Friday, September 25, 2009

the joy of small towns

I am very open with sharing my experience from June - my philosophy is if I can talk about, educate, and prevent someone else going through the heartache I did, then I will. HOWEVER, it is my story to tell.

I found out today that my OD is well talked about in the community where we chose to send Goose for school. I don't know how I feel about that. How much stigma is being placed on our family because of my mistake? Before I could walk with my head held high, now I am afraid that I will avoid most, if not all, interactions.

I hate this, I try to be strong and not let it get to me - I am human, I made a mistake - but for some reason, this cut me to the core.

Now, before it is said that I was foolish to think that it wouldn't get out - no, I knew it would. I just never expected it to reach as far as it did.

Faithful Friday - Video and link

I was going to post one of my usual Faithful Friday bits, but when I saw this video, I felt it was worthy of being my post.

Happiness, Your Heritage - this is the link to the whole speech he gives. It is such a moving piece; I recommend you take the time to read and reflect on what is said.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

You Don't Have to HIDE

Hide - Joy Williams

To anyone who hides behind a smile

To anyone who holds their pain inside

To anyone who thinks they're not good enough

To anyone who feels unworthy of love

To anyone who ever closed the door

Closed their eyes and locked themselves away

You don't have to hide

You don't have to hide anymore

You don't have to face this on your own

You don't have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out wherever you are

To anyone who's tryin' to cover up their scars

To anyone who's ever made a big mistake

We've all been there, so don't be ashamed

Come out, come out and join the rest of us

You've been alone for way too long

And if you feel like no one understands

Come to the One with scars on His hands

'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been

His scars will heal you if you let Him

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Thank you

There is always, always, always something to be thankful for - and I am deeply thankful for all the warm birthday wishes. My dear wonderful friends, I thank you for you lifted me out of a funk long enough I could smile, something that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do today.

It was nice to have everyone remember - I do believe that is why I have been so blue. It feels as if no one remembers me. I am there when there is something needed, but then the other 364 days I am out of the picture. I think of, care and worry about everyone, is there anyone worrying or thinking of me? The kind words you all sent me meant more than any store bought gift.

Thank you all again - from the bottom of my heart

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

what is so special

well tomorrow is the "day"

I have often wondered what is so special about birthdays. I know you are suppose to celebrate that you made it through another year - but is that really such a huge feat? So I have spent the last 365 days running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. I probably have worked 280 of those days at one job or another, then came home and worked my butt off there too. I have been lonely probably 240 of those days also. It is amazing how you can be surrounded by people and still be lonely. I know that He is there rooting for me, but some days it would be nice to have someone tangible doing it also. (I know and hear you God, you are all I need and I am being a selfish, whiney girl tonight)

I will be honest here and say I don't know if I really wanted to make it through the year. I was ready to give up, but for some reason He has kept me here, my job is not done. That is what keeps me going - I have unfinished business - most likely in the form of my girls.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Weekly Wisdoms

Life is short... and it's not about us. Eternity is long... and it's all about God.

When God made the universe, he intended that everything in it would point praise back at Him. Every glittering star, every speck of sand, every ocean wave, every strand of DNA—everything was designed to declare how great God is. Even in making humanity, God really wasn't too concerned about us; he was thinking mostly about Himself. God was focused on how we would magnify and glorify Him (see Isaiah 43:7).

God is most concerned about Himself. In essence, God approaches every decision with this question: "What would bring me the most glory and honor and what would make me look the best in this situation?" Then he acts accordingly.

God declares, "I am the Lord; that is my name! I will not give my glory to another or my praise to idols" (Isaiah 42:8). God made everything, and He made all of it to give glory to Himself.

We far too easily forget the truth that this entire universe is about God, and instead we try to hijack the spotlight to focus on us. We spend our short, little 60, 70, or 80 years here on Earth trying to make much of us, forgetting that all of creation is designed to make much of God.

God made you for a purpose, and He sent Jesus Christ into this world to invite you to join His purpose for your life, which is to magnify His name. So, don't waste your life magnifying something that is like a wisp of vapor or a puff of smoke, which is visible for a little while and then disappears into thin air. Instead, leverage your life as part of the eternal story of God—a story in which every second lifts up and magnifies God.


You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20

This Scripture encapsulates the entire story of Joseph. After being sold into slavery by his brothers, taking false charges of rape and enduring years in a dungeon, Joseph had every right to want revenge on his brothers. Instead, he sees that God used his circumstances to stage the greatest hunger relief program of the ancient world.

There are many things that we are suffering in now that, when we look back, we will see the sovereign hand of God guiding us.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

The Weekend

I wasn't going to post since I have posted so many the last few days, but I figure what the hay, it's not going to kill me if I do!

Saturday turned out to be a nice, relaxing day. After a nap and some cleaning, we wondered around downtown for Canal Days (It was the PERFECT weather to be outside!). Goose was a little disappointed because 80% of the rides were the same as the SRMC picnic ones (momma wasn't complaining, meant she didn't want to ride = no money spent!) She enjoyed the Cosi on Wheels exhibit and watching the tug of war firefighter style!

Today we met my parents at the Red Pig Inn for an early dinner in honor of my birthday. With the actual day falling on Wednesday it is too hard to get together with work schedules, kids, and a Grandma to take care of.

Tomorrow is my "birthday holiday" from work. Along with a doctor's appointment and renewing my tags; I am getting a massage. I can not wait!!! (yes that is deja-vu, I remember now I posted basically the same a few days ago, oh well, can you tell that I am excited about a relaxing day!)
I am off like a bad prom dress - g'night all!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Toxic Friendships

Ok, just when I think that I am done posting random stuff, what should appear on the Yahoo main page but a topic that has been in the forefront of my thoughts: 9 signs of a Toxic Friendship. When I had Myspace, I stumbled upon an article describing the different types of toxic friends and reposted it as a blog. I wondered why it spoke to me at the time, but 6 months later I know why. I was in a toxic friendship, and because of that friendship I was becoming toxic myself. WOW, that was hard to admit. I was becoming toxic to those around me because I could not see what was happening, I basically had blinders on. It took my co-worker telling me that I seemed a lot happier and more stable since the friendship ended to open my eyes. She looked me in the eye and said "She was sucking you dry Mary. You cared so much that you put your own problems on hold for this girls and focused on her. It drained you because you needed to deal with what was going on in your own life, instead the friend added to it." WOW - and now that I have completely removed myself from the situation I can see what she was saying. And don't get me wrong, I'm sure towards the end I was toxic to that friend also.

I am going to cut and paste a few things from today's Yahoo article that jumped out at me:

Hence, friends have become a fabric of our lives — which also explains why it hurts us so when a friendship is fraught with confusion, heartache and tears. Let’s face it: A mean friend is just as scarring as a bad mother or husband. This is similar to the conclusion made by Barash, which compelled her to explore the key components of damaging relationships and also provide women advice on how to detect such harmful friendships. Here we asked Barash to share with us the signs of a toxic friendship — and how to disengage.

3) Your friend wasn’t there for you. It’s sometimes hard to see if a friend is really a true pal until there is a life-changing moment in your life that requires the person’s support. This eye-opening event is called The Inciting Incident, which is when everything is going along fine, until wham! someone gets sick, or loses their job, or gets married or loses a loved one, and you find that the friend you thought would be by your side isn’t there for you at all. She doesn’t celebrate your good news nor does she help you in times of need. For some women it takes an "inciting incident" to finally notice that a friend is toxic.

4) Your friend is draining you: You feel you’re psychologically and emotionally giving all your energy to her and receiving nothing in return.

7) The relationship offers no return on investment: This is similar to a friend who is draining you – but this isn’t just an emotional give and take. If you are the one calling your friend to make plans and going out of your way to be with her, but she makes no attempt to go out of her way for you, then she’s not meeting you halfway.

In Repair

I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there - John Mayer

This performance has an AWESOME guitar solo, along with some AMAZING lyric meaning.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Faithful Friday - Joy

I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! John 15:11, NLT

When things are going well, we feel elated. When hardships come, we sink into depression. But true joy transcends the rolling waves of circumstance. Joy comes from a consistent relationship with Jesus Christ.

When our lives are intertwined with his, he will help us walk through adversity without sinking into debilitating lows and manage prosperity without moving into deceptive highs. The joy of living with Jesus Christ daily will keep us level-headed, no matter how high or low our circumstances.


this made me giggle!! (click on the picture to make it readable - unless you have super vision!)

I LOVE House - and this is too funny not to laugh out loud about!

I am feeling better - just a tad. My head still hurts, but at least I am not sniffing, dripping, or sneezing! I get to go home to silence tonight - but all I get to do is sleep. I am scheduled at the other place and they actually have TWO (count them 2) whole patients!!! Then it is Canal Days in Delphos this weekend, so we will walk up to look around some. Then Monday I took my birthday holiday (YES I know my day actually isn't until Wednesday, but I wanted a long weekend). I am going to have an hour long stone massage - can not wait!!!

I will be back later to put up a Faithful Friday bit.

Thursday, September 17, 2009


I am miserable.

I have some how pinched a nerve in my shoulder/neck area and I am too darn stubborn to go see one of my chiro's partners since he thinks he needs time off for becoming a daddy again - geesh some people. Although the thought did cross my mind to run up stairs and say congrats to the new parents, then say "hey you wouldn't know any tricks to fix this pain in my neck" (not as funny as the time I got to say arse) But I kept it at a thought, well with the exception of I ran up to see if I could see the most beautiful girl (well besides my girls) in the nursery (but wait my girls weren't in the nursery, so I can say that she was the most beautiful).

Also, my sinuses have decided that today would be a good day to reek havoc on me. OY VEY!!!! You know it is bad when a co-worker looks at you and says "your sinuses are puffy". My head hurts, no scratch that, my face hurts. It feels as if I am bruised from nose to ear. I am sneezing and sniffing, and just lovely all around. (another reason I didn't visit upstairs and just looked from afar)

I also am depressed - big surprise there eh? So much is going on and I am overwhelmed with the choices I need to make. I know in my heart what I need and want to do, but it is scary. Yesterday's post actually has a hidden message (see if you can figure it out) - I have been struggling really bad the last couple days.

On a happy note, I got a call from Goose's teacher today, and she had an EXCELLENT day! YAYAYAY! Go goose, go goose!

Ducky is her usual ornery self and hid one of her tennis shoes at the sitters. The poor lady has resorted to going thru the trash tonight to see if she can find it!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Wordless Wednesday - sorta

Black Hole

the hole is closing in again. I am catching myself crying all the time. Yesterday I was sitting at my desk at work with tears streaming down my face for no reason. People who I talk daily with on the phone were like what is wrong Mary, and I really had no answer. All I want to do is sleep again, I am in bed by 9p, sound asleep, then I wake at 1a (sorta like how I was in June). Lord, please help me from hitting bottom.

Monday, September 14, 2009

what was I thinkin

I was hoping for a happy day - or at least a day where there was no fighting or tears - what was I thinking.

As I write this I have tears running down my face for 2 reasons. One my baby girl is breaking my heart - for the last 2 weeks she has said she hates school, that no one likes her and she has no friends. Two - my lovely husband started yelling at me because I am upset about #1. He started to yell then fine, quit your fucking job and pull her out of school. And I am pretty sure as I was leaving the bedroom I heard him call me the c word, all I can say is if he did, it will not be pretty. That is one word I do not tolerate at all.

I just want my girl to be happy - and it kills me she isn't. I can handle the hurt and yelling, but my baby doesn't need to go through it. I will do anything to protect her, and give her the skills I didn't have to cope with how mean kids can be.

Weekly Wisdom - First Place

Eliminate everything unnecessary in your life in order to put first things first.

1 John 5:21 says, Dear children, keep yourselves from idols. The Amplified Bible elaborates on this: Little children, keep yourselves from idols (false gods)--[from anything and everything that would occupy the place in your heart due to God, from any sort of substitute for Him that would take first place in your life]. (AMP)

It is imperative that you prevent any sort of substitute from becoming first place in your life. Fill your life with the true, living God, not a phony substitute.

You can tell what is important to you simply by examining how you spend your time. If you are spending so much time trying to make money that you don't spend any quality time with God, then wealth is more important to you than God. Likewise, if you are always spending time with friends and don't have any time to spend with God, then your social life is more important to you than God.

How you use your time is so important, because you can either invest it or waste it. However, if you waste your time, you'll never get it back. On the other hand, if you invest your time into forming a deep, close, personal relationship with God, then you will reap the rewards of such an investment for the rest of eternity.

Decide to put God first in your life: spend significant, quality, personal time with Him. Put the first, most important thing (God) first place in your life.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

7 years

well it will be tomorrow ;o)

9/14/02 - Pigeon Forge, TN - planned runaway wedding. B never wanted a huge, fancy wedding, so I gave up my dream wedding and went to TN to get hitched in a $40 dress found on clearance at Fashion Bug. No family, no rush, no hassles. It was nice because I didn't have 101 people telling me to do this or that, but I sort of regret not having some family there.

The dress I wanted:

Us on our wedding day:

Things have changed alot in those 7 years (12 years if you count the years we dated): 4 pregnancies, 2 beautiful baby girls, buying our 2nd home, and a job change to name just a few. Over the years I have watched the man I married grow up, A LOT, and sometimes I forget how far he has come. I want him to be my picture perfect husband instead of being happy with what I got. It could be alot worse, I realize this; it is just sometimes you get tired of fighting. The arguments get old, the fighting for the attention and help you need wears one out. But on the eve of this anniversary, I want to say thank you for putting up with me. I haven't been the best wife either. I am moody, picky, and set in my ways. I want things my way when I want them darn it!! Yet despite all I have done (and there were a few doozies) he still is right there - it is not because he couldn't do better, he could believe me. So B - THANK YOU, and Happy Anniversary - the road may have been really bumpy getting here, but we did it and if we hold on tight, we will make it over the hill.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Family Fun

Today was the yearly picnic for work. Each year they rent a portion of the fairgrounds and have Lock Sixteen cater a Chicken meal, plus have Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Fries and a bunch of other stuff available out on the grounds. It is GREAT for the staff with young families because they always have rides and for adults there is bingo and this year there even was a casino.

Here are just a few of the pics from the day -enjoy!

that was fun! (it took a lot of coaxing to get her to go!)

Look at her climb!

Ready - Set

(she loved it!)


hhmm what is this contraption?
(she loved it once it started spinning and going up n down)

sand pile fun

you mean I'm not suppose to play in the water?

I stole this from sis - my first ever cotton candy

A fun time was had by all - I think we personally spent 3 or 4 hours there. If E had her way, we would have stayed longer, as is, she fell asleep within 10 minutes of being in the van. It is days like today, where I throw caution to the wind that I treasure. I will never forget the smile on E's face when I told her she could eat dessert first and that the day was pretty much about her. I can't wait for her to get a little older and take her on the bigger fair-type rides and the bungy jump (I just about had her talked into it this year, but the line was so loooong!)

Friday, September 11, 2009

Never to be Forgotten

Can you believe it has already been 8 years since that horrible morning on September 11th that changed our world forever? Where were you when the world stopped turning?

I remember sitting on the couch in my apartment thinking what I just saw was a mirage. There was NO way a plane had just crashed into one of the towers. Then it was like I was watching a really horrible replay of the first hit in slow-motion, but wait it was the second tower, so it couldn’t be a replay. As I numbly sat and watched everything pan out on my television I praised the Lord that each and every one of my loved ones were accounted for, and then I prayed for the victims and their families. I had to go into work that afternoon at a group home for adolescents, and tried to keep things as normal for the 10 boys in my care as I could. Many of their questions had been answered while they were in school, but there still was plenty of talk and disbelief.

As painful as it is to remember...we must never forget. I actually would like to think it never happened, but I know it did, and I also know I must remember so that all the lives lost are not in vain.

My heart will always think about all the people who suffered that day, lives that would never be the same, and for all the men fighting to make sure we never experience that kind of pain again. Thank you to all the soldiers who are protecting me so I can live in America and be safe again!9/11 should never be forgotten. It is part of our life forever. Yes, life goes on but the fear, pain and shock we all felt that terrible day is a reminder that we have paid a high price for our freedom and I know I will never take it for granted. I am so proud to be an American....

Where were you 8 years ago and what do you remember about that day?

Faithful Friday

But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus--the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God. Acts 20:24, NLT

We often feel that life is a failure unless we're getting a lot out of it: recognition, fun, money, success. But Paul considered life worth nothing unless he used it for God's work.
What he put into life was far more important than what he got out. Which is more important to you--what you get out of life, or what you put into it?

Thursday, September 10, 2009

1000 Word Thursday

600 or so words short! LOL

Fall is coming, fall is coming!! (imagine a little kid excited for something, yeah that is me right now!) I adore everything about fall.

Crisp air

Changing leaves


Pumpkin Patches

Fires (think camp or bon)

Ah, I think I will be in heaven! I cannot wait to slip on my comfy, worn out, jeans and a snuggly sweatshirt then go hang out in the woods. I can feel and hear the leaves crunching underneath already!!! I can smell the fresh tart apples and apple cider (my mouth is watering already!) Autumn is such a rejuvenating time for me, and I am ready for it!

Some people Spring clean, not me, I Autumn clean. As leaves fall I think of shedding the unwanted and unneeded baggage of the past year(s). (Wow, it just hit me that this could totally include some emotional baggage) This year I will be going thru the baby clothes and getting ready to hand them off to a friend who is due in December. This is bitter sweet because it is a finality of no more children for me, but exciting at the same time – knowing that I will be helping someone out is so rewarding, and this girl deserves it. I hope she enjoys her first born as much as I enjoy my girls.

A friend has inspired me to think about Halloween and how to dress the girls this year. I really need to sit down with E and see what she would like to be and then find a way to make A’s costume go with it. If E will have it, I would love to make her a flower and A a ladybug (I already have the costume!) – too corny?? Maybe, but hey I am a corny type person! I do not mind making the costumes, actually I prefer to do so. If you have any ideas, feel free to leave a comment!

Edited 9/10/09 @ 720p
** E's suggestions:
1) She be a princess and A be a fairy; cute but not what I was looking for.
2) She be a princess and A a pea (get it, The Princess and the Pea) I actually may have to run with this one - it is too cute not to!!! I am so proud of my girl for thinking this one up!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


As I was reading Woman's Day on break I had an Ah-Ha moment! For months now, I have been trying to write a blog about disappointment and I just could not finish it - I know why now. It is not the disappointment that I really wanted to focus on, it is the stress that goes with it!

here is a snippet of the article: 10 Surprising Causes of Stress By Sally Stich

Most of us simply dismiss little things as “just the way life is.” But they are, in fact, major causes of potentially harmful stress.

“For some people, the little stressors we face every day are more damaging to health over the long term than the really big things, like a death in the family or a car accident,” says James Ehrlich, MD, clinical associate professor of endocrinology at the University of Colorado, Denver.
Why? “Because the sole purpose of stress hormones is to get us through life-threatening situations,” says Dr. Ehrlich. “Today, many people live in stress mode all the time, and the constant release of steroids like adrenaline and cortisol can lead directly to diseases like diabetes, heart disease, depression and cancer, and indirectly to bad health habits like undersleeping and overeating.”

Rather than dismiss these “minor” stressors, decide to face them, change them and move toward calm.

Stressor #1 People Who Say Yes When They Mean No
You have friends, maybe even colleagues, who say yes to your requests (a movie, a project, a walk) and then, as often as not, show up late or cancel at the last minute. These same people can be fun and even reliable sometimes. What’s up? Your stress level! “Research shows that ambiguous relationships— where you can’t predict whether an encounter will be positive or negative from one day to the next—can take a greater toll on you than a relationship with someone you consciously dislike,” says Elizabeth Scott, stress management guide for

Ding ding ding - we have a winner!!! I have been sitting here thinking about how despite worrying about our finances, I am not stressed like I had been the prior 9 months. Why?? Because a friend that is no longer in my life is the type they describe above. She would say yes to anything to please anyone, and not really mean it. Then "something" would come up and I would be hurt tremendously. Yeah, that is disappointment for you, but I didn't realize until this exact moment how much stress that put me under. The constant worrying about is today the day she is going to say "oops sorry" is not there. No worry about am I good enough for her today. You wouldn't think that it would matter, but in reality it really does - especially when you care for the person. It is behavior like this that makes you think am I really worth anything to the person - then you stress about that too.

So my blog about disappointment will be put on the back burner for yet another go-around.

Monday, September 7, 2009


I almost didn't post anything today. My weekly wisdoms spoke to me, but not so much that I felt compelled to share. I have been struggling this weekend and feel really blue - at least I recognize that right!? I feel like the worst momma because I let E make me feel that way during her tantrums. I don't know how many times I was told I was bad or she wanted a new family today alone. But, my loving child is semi back to herself and has apologized for "hurting mommy's feelings"

Yesterday we met my parents, sister and her boyfriend for dinner at Texas Roadhouse. As usual everything was yummy - I just love their Grilled Chicken Salad - there is always enough for a second meal!

E before leaving

A and my dad

Today B is here for a demolition derby. *this just in - he won enough to cover the entry fee - but is unable to run the feature because he broke the drive shaft*

I made some homemade granola bars using this recipe. It didn't turn out too bad, E seems to really like them and that is the true test! I think next time I may add just a little bit of brown sugar to sweeten them up though.

yeah, that's all folks - my heart just is not in this right now. okluvyabuhbye

Saturday, September 5, 2009

harder than I thought

and for a different reason.

As I posted early this week, I knew that this weekend would be a little rough. I just didn't think that I would have problems because of another reason. So far, the memories from a year ago are far from my mind. However, I am sad because my stupidity, my need for someone at the time, is causing me to not be able to celebrate her birthday with her. I thought I could go thru the day without thinking about it, yeah right, but it was worth a shot trying to fool myself. As I sit here replaying the stupid things I have done to everyone, I have tears running down my face. I know that God placed her in my life for a reason, and there is a reason that it was for such a short time - but that doesn't make this hurt any less.

Happy Birthday, where ever you are.

*B thank you for trying to understand these emotions*

Friday, September 4, 2009


I am ashamed of I how I reacted over something. I let my call-it-as-it-is attitude and anger over someone trying to be better-than-thou as an opportunity to say things I swore I would take to the grave. I let my emotions rule my thoughts – I figured if you were out to hurt me what the heck, why not do the same. So I let loose with just a portion of things that have been shared with me. Stupid I know and I do regret it – just a little bit. I should have bit my tongue harder (ok sat on my fingers) and kept telling myself it’s not worth it. But I didn’t and now I have to live with the guilt of what was said – how it made the person feel – how it probably pissed off the person who told me these things in the first place.

I will not lose sleep over this; I refuse to lose anymore over this situation. But it doesn’t mean I’m not sorry for my reaction. I knew better. SIGH

A life of reaction is a life of slavery, intellectually and spiritually. One must fight for a life of action, not reaction. ~ Rita Mae Brown

Faithful Friday - Remain in Me

"I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn't produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more" - John 15:1-2 NLT

Notice that both branches get cut. The difference is in how we respond to the pain of the pruning. In many ways, the way that we bear the pruning is how we know that we are growing in our relationship with God. Do we get bitter, or better? What does the experience of loss or hindrance expose in us?

Our Father is a faithful gardener, ready to cut off the things in our lives that don't bear fruit, and reminding the fruitful ones that our life is not in the fruit, but only in the vine.

Remain in Me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in Me. - John 15:4 NLT

This is both sobering and liberating! To experience a growing, vibrant spiritual life with Jesus is not just an intellectual exercise. Nor is it and exhausting series of good deeds. It is in remaining in the vine that our fulfillment comes. From the vine comes knowledge and good works, but now it's from a position of having experienced God's love and acceptance. We must resist the urge to do things to get God's acceptance. He is offering us a resting place with Him with amazing results.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Life is a Gift

Can you believe I am running out of things to say? Actually I have a lot of things floating around up there, I just can not put it down into words - the inspiration hasn't hit yet.

So without further ado, I leave you with something that reminds me to be humble.

* * * * *

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.'

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.

Life Is a Gift

Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.

Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before whining about the distance you drive - Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

No What Ifs

It will be one year from this coming weekend that my life began to turn upside down. I was going to hit I-75 with A and head on down to Georgia to meet up with Hly. Unfortunately I ended up having a panic attack and never made it to 75. A quick search online revealed no last minute flight deals either, so I was stuck at home. To say I was bummed is putting it lightly - I don’t know if it is because of this, or me being mad at myself for the attack, but my attitude that weekend probably was crappy. I don’t even know what started the fight between B and I - oh wait, yeah I do. The details do not matter because it will not change anything. Anyways, one thing lead to another and things turned to pot.

It was all that transpired that day and the years before that led me to start questioning what I really felt. I know I cared for him, but did I still love him? I put the wall up to protect myself and went into survival mode. I was doing everything I could to protect myself emotionally and my girls.

Shortly after this, I started to get to know one of the daycare workers. She was amazing because she knew all the right things to say or do that made me feel better. For the first time ever I felt like I actually deserved to be a mom and that I actually was a good one. Our friendship grew as did my emotional attachment. Instead of working on things with B as I should have, I kept the wall up on his side and let it crumble to the ground on the friend’s side. I opened up to her more than I had any other friend. Over time I let myself shut B out more and more - it wasn’t fair to him (yeah I’m a slow learner sometimes). But at that time my emotional needs were being met more than they had ever been. It was nice to not have to beg for what I needed and then still not have it happen. Looking back at my thoughts and emotions - they were all over the board. I let the friend’s support mean too much. I shut down when I should have been open.

I can’t help but wonder had I made it to Georgia if things would have turned out different. But I can’t do what ifs, because it will not change what has happened. It will make things worse if I begin the What Ifs. I need to remind myself that all this was part of His plan for me, to make me stronger and bring me back to Him.

I do owe apologies to some people though.

B: I’m sorry I shut you out and didn’t take the olive branch when you offered it. I'm sorry that I still am scared to let you in.

T: I’m sorry I thought I needed you so much that it drove you away. I’m also sorry that I made you doubt yourself.

D: I’m sorry I let myself get swept up in the negativity, and I am sorry for hurting you.

Me: I am sorry for not trusting in myself as I should have.

God: I would say sorry, but You already know that. Instead, THANK YOU for being there for me when it got so dark that I couldn’t see and lifting me out of the darkness.

Actually THANK YOU to all the people in my life. I know that I am not the easiest person to get along with, and that I am emotionally needy - so thank you for putting up with me.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Another Year

Where has the year gone?? It is like the old adage of time flies when you are having fun. But in my case, I don't know if the last year was fun, parts were I guess. It definitely has been a year of growth and change though, and I wouldn't take back a darn thing because everything that happened shaped who I am now - who I will be in the future! It just hit me that in 22 days I will be 32 - yuk. I feel like I need a make over or new wardrobe, but you know, that requires money - something that is in high demand, but we are WAY short on. But wait, I do have a gift card to Jewels!!!!! I see some pampering coming up - now to decide what to do - I have enough for an hour massage, pedi and mani, but can use the face value of the card however I wish. Hmm decisions, decisions. (I don’t think I will get anything done with the hair, just because of the upkeep)