Thursday, July 30, 2009

Miss Independent

Some one likes to do things on her own now and if she sees a fork or spoon she will refuse to use anything but.

Sorry for the poor lighting!

5 .. 4 .. 3 .. 2 .. 1

A mile stone is about to be reached - 5 more pounds and I will say buh-bye to 200s. The last time I remember being under that mark was in the mid to late 90's when I went on a starvation diet, then the peanut butter diet (as my dear Renee terms it - basically only thing I ate was PB), then the abuse of laxatives (I still can not eat a Hershey Bar) to keep me in the 150 to 160 range. No wonder I ballooned to over 200 once I stopped torturing myself!
If I make this mark I am going to be so proud of myself because the last poundage has been lost the right way. I am going to try my hardest to keep losing and keep it off, not only for me, but for my girls too!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


My mind is swirling with so many thoughts. I had someone share some info and I really, REALLY feel like a fool for letting my emotions get the better of me the last 8 months. As I am reminded, I was in a vulnerable place at the time, but I feel as I should have known better. I can not change what happened so it will do no good to dwell on it, but I am working thru how I feel so that I can let go - again. I really appreciate the person sharing with me, I know it was hard - it was hard for me to share what I did with her - but knowing that little bit will make things clearer for me in the long run.

Last night was a good night. I had both girls bathed and asleep by 730. E needed the sleep so bad, she was starting to be an emotional mess because of staying up too late several nights in a row. Once again, a trait of mine she has - lack of sleep = emotional Mary. A is ornery as ever - I wish I would of thought to take a picture of the TP job she did in the bathroom last night.

I need to call some babysitters again. The woman who was going to watch E on school days had a family emergency come up and can not take her right now. Her niece was being hurt at the old babysitter's - that takes precedence over us any day! I would never wish that on any child or family.

Monday, July 27, 2009


I am tired of:
* people assuming that I am not over T. She was a very important part of my life, but she is gone. I realize this. Doesn't mean I don't care about her tho.
* people thinking that I was the only one with "those" feelings
* being accused of using my depression/anxiety as a crutch
* my FIL trying to make me feel like crap
* trying to do what I think is right and being shot down

I made a mistake people, what do you want from me? I let someone sway me into thinking there was more to the situation than what there was. I let myself feel - am I wrong for doing so??? Seriously, I was not the only person involved - I wasn't the one who started the physical crap - Am I not allowed to have confused feelings?? I was at a point I didn't know what I wanted or who to turn to.

I just want to say FUCK YOU ALL - but I will continue to be the scapegoat. I will continue to be the one blamed - makes owning up to your mistakes seem like a bad idea sometimes.

* * * * * *
My Weekly Wisdom - don't know if I have shared this one or not but I am reminded of this:
You need both blessings and difficulties, because one without the other is neither.
People who live in affluence for all of life (such as many people in North America and Western Europe) can easily become so accustomed to wealth, blessings, and prosperity that they can easily forget what blessings they actually have. However, if those possessions are taken away, those people will certainly look at life with a new perspective, realizing how much they really had.
You don't realize how much you have until you don't have it anymore.
God knows the importance of balance; that is, the importance of having both blessings and difficulties. There are several scriptures that speak about this balance. For example in 1 Peter 4:13, we are told: Rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. Notice how we participate both in suffering and in joy.
Similarly, in 2 Corinthians 1:7, Paul wrote this to the church in Corinth: And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. They experienced both suffering and comfort.
Don't become too comfortable with what you have, because when you forget that the things you have are a blessing from God and when you start to assume that they are guaranteed possessions, it is quite possible that God will take them away from you in order to teach you that you need both blessings and difficulties, because one without the other is neither.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Some things I have stored up

I have recently went thru a time when I hadn’t come to terms with the fact that I was (am)miserable with a lot in my life. A time when I hadn’t done anything about it but lash out at those around me. I had put myself in a position where I’ve hurt a few people dear to me. Some have voiced their dislike, some have pretended not to be upset – though it’s quite obvious they are, and some have just walked away. I haven’t figured out how I feel about that. Maybe I deserve to lose some I thought were friends. Then I think: well, what kind of friends are they really if they can just throw their hands up and walk away? I’m okay with their decisions because I’ve had enough bad friends in my life; someone who can just walk away like that is free to go. But then in the next breathe: I don’t want them to go. I don’t do well with people thinking ill of me. I’d hate to think that in a moment of weakness I pushed away all those people I considered friends.

No matter my personal flaws, I am a very passionate friend. I put my whole self into a relationship but – I’m naive to expect the same back. No matter how many times I remind myself to try and be a little more guarded, I fail. I am fiercely loyal to those I feel comfortable with and have been shown little loyalty in return.

I sometimes misconstrue politeness and friendliness to mean more than they do. I believe people to be genuine more often than not. I am time and again faulted for giving others the benefit of the doubt too often. I have been hurt many, many times and still haven’t learned a lesson.

Then I am still dealing with my hurt of losing some memories. The things I choose to keep are a reflection of what happens to me. Whether it is a picture, card, letter, hospital bracelets, or a piece of my girls hair - they all are memories and reflections. A lifetime is a long time and one cannot be expected to commit it all solely to memory. It’s not that I’m longing for that time, or the fact that I miss it, but the memory of it is what’s important to me and I fear that in ten, or twenty years time I won’t remember anymore as bits and pieces may have already been lost.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

What A Week

Well I am still dealing with a butt for a FIL. He is still all over something that happened 1.5 years ago in FL. Get over it man, I have enough probs without you. You called a pregnant lady a fat ass and I didn't stand there and take it like you thought I would. I said sorry, what more do you want??? My blood??

We ran test on E's stool - definitely not a bug causing her issues. We go in Tues to talk with our wonderful Doc to decide if we are going to do more testing or do some meds or what. I feel horrible for putting E thru this - I never once thought that she would become so physically sick over everything. I want my happy - nondiarreahial - girl back.

A is into everything and saying more and more each day. Chicken, Milk, up, and of course bye, hi, momma, dadda. Where has the time gone??? Sorta bitter sweet because I know I will never have a newborn again to hold and cuddle, but it is for the best.

I don't even remember what all we did this past week. I am giving the marriage 95% even tho I am dead inside - we will see where we are in 6 mo.

Off to play with A

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes. - Charles R. Swindoll

I am reminded of my favorite song: I'm Moving On
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

Ready to Give Up

I can't do this anymore - NO I don't want to harm myself - I mean keep living with a man that brings out the worst in me. Last night was spent fighting because he LIED to me about deleting pictures from my phone. I don't know when, but he went thru and deleted all pictures that had T in them even 1 or 2 that I wanted to keep because they were awesome pics of A too. Yes I was very sad about him doing something I needed to do, something that we were working towards in counseling - but it is the fact he LIED to me numerous times that upsets me the most.

Today when I was talking to him about how the trust I was starting to have was erased he told me that if I left him I would never have my girls because I am psycho. I lost it. The man that is suppose to be my support is throwing at me the things that hurts me most, losing my girls and that someone thinks I am psycho. I hung up on him because I couldn't deal with it at the moment so he called me right back, then my work number 4 times. Finally he left a message stating he is going to have me re-admitted to the "Crazy Floor" because I don't deserve to be around them since I'm not stable. I have felt more stable now than I have in a long time. I don't need someone to make me happy. My moods have been for the most part even.

The thing that hurts the most is once again poor E is caught in the middle. She would not go to bed last night because she knew momma was upset. I kept telling her that mommy was ok and that she really needed to sleep so that she could have a good day tomorrow. But she wouldn't go until I finally walked away and stayed in her room with her. Within 15 min I had her asleep and I stayed on her floor. I knew that she would be waking soon in a panic as to where I was, and true to herself she did. I think all in all she got 6 hrs of sleep and I got maybe 5.

I hate that this has came to this. But I need to do what is best for me and the girls and the constant tension isn't it.

UPDATE: well we sat down and talked after supper. We are going to give it 6 months. If things are not better I am moving out. I refuse to keep living this way.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Warm Fuzzy

All my hard work is paying off - in someone else's life that is! Part of my job is to research patients that have pacemakers and make sure that I have recent checks on them that way we know it is functioning properly. Well I had a patient that I was having a dickens of a time finding any info on, and as a last ditch effort I called a cardiologist's office to see if they had ANY clue of the manufacturer or when the last check was. They pulled her chart and saw that the last time they checked her was April 2007 and they didn't know who was following her now. Thankfully I was able to find out which representative to call and called her in a panic with my dilemma. She started to look into it some more and this patient has not had a check since 2007 and her pacemaker is almost dead!!!!! If she would have came in for surgery and we didn't catch it then and cancel, she could have not recovered from being put under. The patient is going to have an official check tomorrow and most likely end up with a battery replacement instead of the procedure she thinks she is getting.
This makes what I do worthwhile.

Monday, July 20, 2009


We have determined that E is suffering from some anxiety and it is showing itself in physical symptoms. IE - her loose stool is from being upset over all the crap (no pun intended) that has been going on and all the changes. We are working on some relaxation techniques to see if that will help. The poor girl still is having a really hard time coping with being stuck in the middle of an adult issue. I keep telling myself that in the long run she will be stronger, but I still feel horrible and tremendous guilt for I placed her in this situation. I let the relationship grow between T and my family. I couldn't control my emotions and got us kicked out of the place she had been the last 4 years. I didn't protect my baby. - SIGH.

from my Weekly Wisdom email

Every problem is an opportunity to trust God.
We all experience difficulties, problems, and trials throughout life. Usually, we also look for ways to solve those problems. All of the various solutions basically ask one of these two questions: "What can I do to solve this?" Or, "What can God do to solve this?"
In other words, we either try to solve the problem on our own, or we let God solve it. Obviously, it is much wiser to give your problems to God.
Therefore, in the midst of your problem, Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). Trust God to solve your problems. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal (Isaiah 26:4).
During your trials you should frequently quote Psalm 91:2: I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
Furthermore, when you're truly trusting in God, there is nothing to worry about. Jesus said, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me" (John 14:1).
Make this your cry: "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God" (Psalm 20:7).
Trust the Lord God Almighty in every area of your life, even during problems, because every problem gives you an opportunity to trust God.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Where the Wild Things Grow

We ventured over to the Ft Wayne Children's Zoo today - BEAUTIFUL day to roam thru the 42 acres. All in all much fun and relaxation was had - what a perfect retreat and it is less than an hour away. E did complain about all the monkey type exhibits (I will admit it seemed like there were ALOT of them) A could of cared less at this point about the animals, but did enjoy being outside all day!
I was a little disappointed because they only have 2 tigers right now and they can not let them out together as of yet - and of course he was hiding at the back of the exhibit so no pictures :o( For those that know me, I LOVE tigers so I was bummed - maybe next time - and there will be a next time!

Here are a few of the highlights

Saturday, July 18, 2009


I am waiting patiently. Verizon Wireless will be shipping me the blue Env 3 this week on their dime. I have had to replace the Env 2 3 or 4 times and I told them enough is enough. So the lady was like well I will ship you the Env 3 pack as a replacement - sweet. No change in contract dates, no paying the difference. I just hope that I do not have any issues with this one!

E is challenging me. I don't know if it is nerves or what, but she has become mouthy and obstinate. Also, she seems to be showing signs of IBS - great.

A is ornery as ever. She will tease me when I go to change her diaper by walking towards me, then spinning around and running in the opposite direction! The other night she let me take off the old diaper and wipe her before she took off running and laughing!

Once again - weekend promise - pictures!

On My Mind

yeah, I know I said I wouldn't use this as a personal journal, but hey what else is a blog - and I have alot I need to write down.

I am trying to deal with being judged because I did what I thought was best at the time. I did what I thought I needed to do based on the circumstances. The things I was told, the things that were done, all factored in as to what was done. I readily admit I did wrong and tried to make right, but by then the damage was done and I had ruined everyone's lives. And now someone else is doing what they think is right for the circumstances. I understand where they are coming from, I understand why they are doing it. I wouldn't ask them to not to BUT do not judge me for you are doing the same as what I did. Wrong or right, you will protect this person to the best of your ability just as I did.

Over the last year I have also learned that those we trust hurt us just as much if not more than those we don't trust. I am ready to retreat into myself and not let anyone in because my heart and soul was ripped to shreds. I am slowly trying to patch it back up, but it will never be the same. I will never let my guard down again.

I need to learn how to be a friend. How to carry on a conversation. How to have fun. I feel as if I was robbed of this crucial part of life because of having to grow up too quick. I need to learn quickly too because I don't want my girls going thru the same as me.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

A blessing from Wednesday

Yesterday I was trying to avoid someone that was part of my life the previous 7 months. I was going to walk on by and pretend I didn't see him, but he lifted his arm as to say hi. I took a deep breath and approached him, worrying about how I was going to keep my composure. We exchanged the usual pleasantries and he updated me on how he was recovering. Then he made it a point to tell me that he wasn't mad at me. That what happened happened and it was in the past. He acknowledged that I had sent him a letter, and admitted he didn't know how to respond. I told him I understood, but felt I needed to say sorry. I gave him a little update on me and the girls, leaving out how I still hear every other day how much E misses his niece. And he reminded me that I have potential and two wonderful girls - and said that I should leave the past in the past. I admitted to him I am trying and each day gets better, but it still is hard because I do think of their family and care for them. We ended the conversation on good terms and said we would see each other around the hospital for his cardiac rehab (it's down the hall from my office) and his pacemaker checks.
I did get teary eyed for I didn't expect forgiveness, yet I received it. What a blessing!

Prayers Needed for a Co-worker

I found out this morning that one of my co-workers who I worked closely with in OB had surgery yesterday at Cleveland Clinic due to a Cavernous Malformation. This is basically a cluster of blood vessels that looks like a bunch of berries on her brain. The lesion can cause headaches, nausea/vomiting, visual disturbance, and seizures. Surgery is the only treatment available. I am praying for minimal "side-effects" from this surgery for her.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

random thought

"It's like pulling a band aid off an old wound and making it bleed again. I was just starting to process it and be OK, and then today makes me go back and start all over again in the process."

How I felt knowing I would have to deal with some very emotional stuff during counseling.

Once again, He provides for me - from my weekly study email

When you refuse to love people because they're hard to love, you forget the fact that God always loves you, even though you're not always easy to love.

God's love for you is unconditional and everlasting. God loves you exactly as you are, and He loves you no matter what you do. God doesn't love you because you are a "good" person; instead, God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).

God is abounding in love and faithfulness (Exodus 34:6).

In 1 John 4:9-11, we are told that, because of God's love for us, we ought to love one another: This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

"One another" even includes those that are hard to love. Remember, God loves you even though you're not always easy to love. Therefore, you, also, ought to love others, especially those that aren't easy to love.

Douglas Pagels

I have come to love the 2 books I have picked up of his. His writings encourage so much hope and joy

Tomorrow is a beautiful road that will take you right where you want to go . . . If you spend today walking away from worry and moving toward serenity; leaving behind conflict and traveling toward solutions; and parting with emptiness and never giving up on your search for fulfillment. If you can do what works for you, your present will be happier and your path will be smoother. And best of all? You'll be taking a step into a beautiful future.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Life continually teaches. We eventually learn. The lessons take their toll on us, but we do survive. It's like getting a degree in hard knocks and finally graduating . . . to the promise of better days ahead. It's like getting your passport stamped: "Been there, done that, managed to make it through."
There are no guarantees that you won't have to go back to "school" for a refresher course, or that you'll never have to make a difficult journey again. But you are older, wiser, and stronger than before, and it is nice to know you can leave yesterday behind. The price was paid. Now it's time to move ahead - and do the very best you can.
If you can get beyond the problems, you won't make the mistake of paying for them forever . . . on the installment plan

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Time Flys

Yes I have slacked a couple days - you all probably enjoyed the break from my endless rambles!

Today we have a birthday party to go to that should be lots of fun, rain or shine! It is for one of E's friends that we have known since, well forever I guess. J and I use to spend LOTS of time together when we first had the girls, then life happened. The girls were reunited at a daycare and now it is all E can talk about. I will have to share "then" and "now" pictures later, so watch for an update on this post either later today or tomorrow!

I am still searching for one of the first pictures of the girls together at the pumpkin patch in 2004.
E & E 2005
E & E 2009


From my devotional today - I tell you He works in wonderful ways. This is yet another thing I have been struggling with, and He provided me this!

Compassion. It’s a great word, but what does it mean? Is it an emotion? Is it an action? Both? Neither? How about this question: What makes Christian compassion different?

Webster tells us that compassion is being sympathetically aware of others’ distress and having a desire to do something about it. This definition makes me think about how we’re motivated to approach someone emotionally, often wanting to help but having no clue how. I can’t begin to recall the number of times I’ve felt compassion and either froze or fumbled around trying to figure out what I should do as I was caught up in my feelings.

Jesus didn’t seem to have that problem. The Gospels and the letters of the New Testament describe his attitude and actions as flowing from compassion, but they rarely mention an accompanying show of emotion. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that when we feel deeply about something, our focus at that moment is what we are feeling rather than the person that has caught our attention. “Jesus traveled through all the towns and villages of that area, teaching in the synagogues and announcing the Good News about the Kingdom. And he healed every kind of disease and illness. When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them because they were confused and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd” (Matthew 9:35-36, NLT).

These verses reveal the nature of compassion as Jesus understood it. It is free from the blinding, paralyzing self-focus that often accompanies emotion. Compassion as expressed by Jesus has such laser focus that even in the midst of crowds of people, it reads the stories on the faces of those who are silent and hidden. It understands that they are all alone like sheep without a shepherd, wounded by the hostile world and without the resources and defenses to protect themselves.

These were people who lived in the shadows so well that many never even knew they were there. They were the kind of people who had become experts at avoiding unwanted attention. Sounds like many of us. Jesus’ compassion for those people that day saw what others didn’t: that they were just what the Kingdom of God needed. So are you.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Things are falling into place

Well the babysitter is a little hesitant to take on both girls since she has a 12 mo old and expecting again. I do not blame her either, I don't know if I would do it if I was in her shoes. HOWEVER E will be going there which is awesome. One of her daughters will be starting kinder too so we are hoping to foster a lasting friendship with the girls.
AND if all goes well, my dear wonderful friend is buying her first home and will take on A. I am so stinkin excited about that because she is wonderful with kids (and me too!)!!

Life is looking up. I am still trying to re-find myself and working on my relationship with God. I am feeling good about it all though!

not much else to report

Love to all

Tuesday, July 7, 2009


I just finished reading Lamentations 3 - to know that I'm struggling and have felt and said some of the same brings tears to my eyes.

19 The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words.
20 I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this:

22 The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.
24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!"

55 But I called on your name, LORD, from deep within the pit.
56 You heard me when I cried, "Listen to my pleading! Hear my cry for help!"
57 Yes, you came when I called; you told me, "Do not fear."
58 Lord, you are my lawyer! Plead my case! For you have redeemed my life.

*edited to add* I really need to thank God for bringing a very special friend to me. She reminds me when I am at my lowest that He does love me and all I am looking for is forgiveness and redemption.

Monday, July 6, 2009


"Unwell is about having a despondent relationship with yourself. In the end, it's a positive song, because you come to terms with the fact you're not crazy." - Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20

To me this song is about feeling alone or isolated from the rest of the world because they see you as not all there. Over the last month I was judged because of my chemical imbalance and made to feel as if I was crazy. This song reminds me that as long as I know the truth it doesn't matter.

all day
staring at the ceiling making
friends with shadows on my wall
all night
i'm hearing voices telling me
that i should get some sleep
because tomorrow might be good
for something

hold on
i'm feeling like i'm headed for a
i don't know why

i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell
i know right now you can't tell
but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
a different side of me
i'm not crazy i'm just a little impaired
i know right now you don't care
but soon enough you're gonna think of me
and how i used to be

see me
talking to myself in public
and dodging glances on the train

i know
i know they've all been talking 'bout me
i can hear them whisper
and it makes me think there must be something wrong
with me

out of all the hours thinking
i've lost my mind


talking in my sleep
pretty soon they'll come to get me
they'll be taking me away

Some Facts on Mental Illness

I am on a personal mission to educate the public on what it is like to live with a mental illness and the stigma that follows such a diagnosis. Mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, etc.) are widespread and often misunderstood.
  • Only 42 percent of Americans believe that a person with mental illness can be as successful at work as others.
  • Only a little more than one-half (54%) of young adults who know someone with a mental illness believe that treatment can help people with mental illnesses lead normal lives.
  • Despite the fact that an overwhelming majority of Americans believe that people with mental illnesses are not to blame for their conditions (85%), only about one in four (26%) agree that people are generally caring and sympathetic toward individuals with mental illnesses.

Historically, mental illness has been seen as a “problem in upbringing” or “defect” in a person’s character. For many years, the general assumption of society has been that mental illness is a direct result of “bad” parenting.

However, just as diabetes or cancer often runs in a family, so does mental illness. “The more we learn about mental illness, the more it appears that it is similar to other routine medical problems that have a genetic link or base,” says Paul Tisher, MD, Medical Director of The Acadia Hospital. “It has been assumed that the patients are somehow responsible for their illness; we know now that this is generally not the case.” Mental illness affects 30 to 45 million Americans. Whether he or she is suffering from a simple phobia or schizophrenia, these illnesses involve certain aspects that interfere with one’s ability to cope with every day life.

Mental illness knows no age, income level, race or gender. Though statistics show that certain illnesses may have a higher percentage of men diagnosed than women or vise versa, no illness targets just one group. Many Americans do not realize that the feelings they are suffering from may need professional treatment. Research indicates that only one in five persons suffering from some type of emotional or mental disorder seek and receive the help they need. This statistic is especially tragic since most mental illnesses are treatable and can be controlled or even cured through therapy and/or medications.

People who suffer from clinical depression often feel that their life is pointless. Suicide may be thought of as the only solution. Statistics show that a large percentage of people who attempt or commit suicide have experienced recent bouts of clinical - depression.

Emotions are often difficult to control and hard to manage. Sometimes, depression can set in without any apparent influence, making it difficult to attribute to any specific factor. Depression can also come in response to many outside factors.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

points to ponder

From an email I receive, how true is this in my life.

Let your life match your lip.
There are far too many Christians who live two different lives: one on the inside, another on the outside; one Sunday morning, another the rest of the week.

Such people are hypocrites, phonies, Christian liars; they live wrong lives. Why? Because they have a wrong heart. We must be very careful that our heart is clean and pure (see Psalm 51:10).
We are told in Matthew 12:34 why our heart is so important: For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. In other words, your heart affects your mouth.

Since our lives, and especially our words, are being examined by unbelievers, we must be careful to have a clean heart so that we will have clean words; and if we have clean words, then our lives will show good fruit. In other words, a good (spiritual) heart will bear good fruit.

No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks (Luke 6:43-45).
Therefore, be careful that your words are clean and pure and that your actions are equally clean and pure so that the world will see that your life matches your lip.

Don't doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light.

No matter how hard you try, in a room that's completely dark, you'll never be able to see anything. Even if you know for sure that something is in the room, it's impossible to see it if the room is totally dark. You know it's there, but you just can't see it.

That's what faith is like. You may be absolutely confident that God loves you; however, during the difficult and dark times in life, you may not be able to see that love.

Hebrews 11:1 defines faith as being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Even when you don't see God's love for you, you can still have faith that he loves you -- that is, you can be certain that he loves you, even though you don't see it.

During those "dark times" in your spiritual life, you may not be able to see God's love, his faithfulness, his grace, or his promises to you; however, don't lose your faith. Be certain of what [you] do not see.
One day, your faith will be sight.

Are you causing more problems by not dealing with problems?
When a problem is concealed and not dealt with it tends to compound and become worse. For example, say you have a child who doesn't take school seriously and who studies infrequently. If you don't deal with that problem, it will likely get worse because your child will fall further behind in school. However, if you confront the problem—though it certainly won't be easy to confront—then you will likely prevent that problem from causing more and bigger problems in the future.

There are times when confronting others might inconvenience you, but not confronting them will only invite much bigger problems later. Permit yourself some inconvenience now in order to resolve problems before they worsen. Do not allow problems to multiply because you're afraid to confront.

Likewise, if someone sins against you, you should not simply ignore what happened because doing so could cause the problem to escalate. Instead, Jesus says you should confront the problem: "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over" (Matthew 18:14).

In situations where it's really challenging to deal with a problem, it may take more love to confront someone and tell them the truth—even though it hurts—than it does to simply pretend nothing is wrong. In other words, it may be easier to let the problem slide, but to do so is not love.


Ok I slacked, since our day plans fell thru I didn't take as many pics as I wanted to. So here is 1 lone pic of E with whatelse but a sparkler!

Saturday, July 4, 2009


why is it the little things that bother me? I do really well and then something pops up that reminds me how much I miss someone. Like I found a picture that was taken or E says something. Then there still is the hurt that someone can take me loosing my mind and judge me. I was lost and trying to find my way. I should know that if they judge me that they are not worth my care and concern, but some days it is so hard.

I shouldn't be drinking but I am, hoping to drown the pain right now since once again plans fell through and I get shafted. People wonder why I want to give up.

Happy Independence Day!

Our plans for the day are pretty low key - finish cleaning up the yard and heading out to the St Joe Festival, to the Star Spangled Spectacular, or to cook out with some family. We will head back home in time to watch the fireworks from our neighbors drive.

Yesterday was a good day! I worked 4 hours and then the girls and I went shopping for some essentials. After all that we stopped and visited with a friend who I miss dearly. She has such a calming personality that it is nice to be able to just relax with her. Of course the girls made it a little difficult to totally relax and catch up, but hey they are kids!

I PROMISE to take some pictures today and get them posted soon!


Friday, July 3, 2009

Just because I can't sleep

Down 25 pounds! 15 to 20 was in like 3 weeks because of the depression. But I am using that as a jumping point and doing the right thing and lost 3 to 5 pounds this week!
Only *fahkjfhkajhf* left to go. (oh ok ~ 50 to 60 if I want to be in ideal weight, 20 to 3o to be where I am happy)

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Duct Tape Please

Is it wrong to tape up a mouthy 5 yr old???? I think that this one needs a MAJOR attitude adjustment and soon! If she does not get her way she starts to throw a fit and tell me she hates me. Oy Vey, if this is just a sample of what puberty will be I am going to admit my self voluntarily to the Psych ward this time!!

A has been SUPER clingy too. I know the change has been hard on them, but I am hoping that we can get things settled down soon. Of course I say this, but I may be up rooting them again in the next month. I found a new home babysitter. (by new I mean she is just starting out) She has 3 or 4 kids of her own and 1 more on the way! Use to work at the hospital and is related to someone I work with. If this works out it will be awesome because the girls will be able to stay together.

oh and the duct tape would be for B too. We almost killed each other while waiting to get procedure done and now that we are home he is off and running.

Had my Novasure today and let me tell you it was easy as pie. Of course knowing most of the staff and being friends with the Docs made for a fun time. As I was being wheeled back I shot a make shift rubber band (made out of my tourniquet) at the staff at the desk and accidentally knocked over one of the Anes. coffee, OOPS! I am blaming the Versed. Yeah that is it. Cramping is at the minimal right now, and prob wouldn't have been so bad, but I was carrying A around shortly after discharge. Dbl OOPS!

Love to all!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

New Month, New Focus

Over the last month my blog turned into a personal journal. I didn't mean for it to, but I had to have an outlet for what all I was thinking and feeling. I have opened up my blog to my friends again knowing that they will not judge me for what is written.

From this point on my posts will be updates on the girls and me ;0)

E is loving the new daycare, but hates that she doesn't get to see or say goodbye to her friends from the old one. We had an emotional morning between the 2 of us. She keeps telling me I am a bad mom because she doesn't get to see her friends or T, that if I would have talked to everyone this wouldn't have happened. I had enough and told her that she can not keep blaming me for this, that I tried to fix it but couldn't because they didn't want it to be fixed. That this is just a fact of life and to look at all the new friends she is making. (of course we both ended up in tears)

A is still doing well there too. HOWEVER she has learned the nack of pulling on my heart strings. This morning she RAN over to the gate and started bawling and screaming for momma. My heart melted and I was so tempted to turn around pick her up and not go to work.

Me - looking forward to having my Novasure done tomorrow. Hopefully this will be the end of constant bleeding and birth control pills that make me nuttier than what I already am. I will be put to sleep so B will have to stay with us to make sure myself and the girls will be ok. I'm not even worried about the anesthesia, just what I may say as I am put under. I requested my Anes Dr - Dr Pasion himself (or as some RNs call him Dr McDreamy). He is super HOT but my panties don't get in a bunch thinking of him (I know how strange am I!).

I will get some pics this weekend for the 4th and post them so that you all can see how the girls have grown.