Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Ready to Give Up

I can't do this anymore - NO I don't want to harm myself - I mean keep living with a man that brings out the worst in me. Last night was spent fighting because he LIED to me about deleting pictures from my phone. I don't know when, but he went thru and deleted all pictures that had T in them even 1 or 2 that I wanted to keep because they were awesome pics of A too. Yes I was very sad about him doing something I needed to do, something that we were working towards in counseling - but it is the fact he LIED to me numerous times that upsets me the most.

Today when I was talking to him about how the trust I was starting to have was erased he told me that if I left him I would never have my girls because I am psycho. I lost it. The man that is suppose to be my support is throwing at me the things that hurts me most, losing my girls and that someone thinks I am psycho. I hung up on him because I couldn't deal with it at the moment so he called me right back, then my work number 4 times. Finally he left a message stating he is going to have me re-admitted to the "Crazy Floor" because I don't deserve to be around them since I'm not stable. I have felt more stable now than I have in a long time. I don't need someone to make me happy. My moods have been for the most part even.

The thing that hurts the most is once again poor E is caught in the middle. She would not go to bed last night because she knew momma was upset. I kept telling her that mommy was ok and that she really needed to sleep so that she could have a good day tomorrow. But she wouldn't go until I finally walked away and stayed in her room with her. Within 15 min I had her asleep and I stayed on her floor. I knew that she would be waking soon in a panic as to where I was, and true to herself she did. I think all in all she got 6 hrs of sleep and I got maybe 5.

I hate that this has came to this. But I need to do what is best for me and the girls and the constant tension isn't it.

UPDATE: well we sat down and talked after supper. We are going to give it 6 months. If things are not better I am moving out. I refuse to keep living this way.

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