Wednesday, September 2, 2009

No What Ifs

It will be one year from this coming weekend that my life began to turn upside down. I was going to hit I-75 with A and head on down to Georgia to meet up with Hly. Unfortunately I ended up having a panic attack and never made it to 75. A quick search online revealed no last minute flight deals either, so I was stuck at home. To say I was bummed is putting it lightly - I don’t know if it is because of this, or me being mad at myself for the attack, but my attitude that weekend probably was crappy. I don’t even know what started the fight between B and I - oh wait, yeah I do. The details do not matter because it will not change anything. Anyways, one thing lead to another and things turned to pot.

It was all that transpired that day and the years before that led me to start questioning what I really felt. I know I cared for him, but did I still love him? I put the wall up to protect myself and went into survival mode. I was doing everything I could to protect myself emotionally and my girls.

Shortly after this, I started to get to know one of the daycare workers. She was amazing because she knew all the right things to say or do that made me feel better. For the first time ever I felt like I actually deserved to be a mom and that I actually was a good one. Our friendship grew as did my emotional attachment. Instead of working on things with B as I should have, I kept the wall up on his side and let it crumble to the ground on the friend’s side. I opened up to her more than I had any other friend. Over time I let myself shut B out more and more - it wasn’t fair to him (yeah I’m a slow learner sometimes). But at that time my emotional needs were being met more than they had ever been. It was nice to not have to beg for what I needed and then still not have it happen. Looking back at my thoughts and emotions - they were all over the board. I let the friend’s support mean too much. I shut down when I should have been open.

I can’t help but wonder had I made it to Georgia if things would have turned out different. But I can’t do what ifs, because it will not change what has happened. It will make things worse if I begin the What Ifs. I need to remind myself that all this was part of His plan for me, to make me stronger and bring me back to Him.

I do owe apologies to some people though.

B: I’m sorry I shut you out and didn’t take the olive branch when you offered it. I'm sorry that I still am scared to let you in.

T: I’m sorry I thought I needed you so much that it drove you away. I’m also sorry that I made you doubt yourself.

D: I’m sorry I let myself get swept up in the negativity, and I am sorry for hurting you.

Me: I am sorry for not trusting in myself as I should have.

God: I would say sorry, but You already know that. Instead, THANK YOU for being there for me when it got so dark that I couldn’t see and lifting me out of the darkness.

Actually THANK YOU to all the people in my life. I know that I am not the easiest person to get along with, and that I am emotionally needy - so thank you for putting up with me.

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