Sunday, August 16, 2009


I was going thru my saved blogs from when I had Myspace and found one that I would like to reshare.

This is where I started to realize I wasn't being true to me and letting a friend's feelings sway me. I was reaching out - letting it be known I was wrong. If you know me, this isn't who I am - I try to be the cup is half full person, but I got caught up in some negativity. (I cut out some of the essay/blog, but the link is there if you want to see it in it's entirety.)

April 11, 2009 - Saturday
In the process of . . . trying to find who I am. I have lost the true Mary. I got caught up in this thing called collusion and I am not proud. Collusion as defined in Merriam-Webster : secret agreement or cooperation especially for an illegal or deceitful purpose
I would like to share a wonderful blog that I have found and I am hoping that with dedication and realization, I can find myself again.

Collusion (Part 1)
July 5th, 2006 by Christine Kane

When you set intent or when you set goals - especially the challenging and risky kind - that mere action can bring up lots of discomfort. It’s an opportunity for you to look at all the beliefs you hold that contradict your new intention for yourself. Sometimes, rather than face these beliefs head on, we try to distract ourselves from the discomfort they create inside us. One of the ways I see people living in distraction over and over is with what I call collusion. Even though collusion is dictionarily (dictionarily?) defined as a secret agreement for a fraudulent purpose, I use it to describe a social behavior.

Collusion happens any time you’re with someone and you talk badly about somebody else who isn’t there. Maybe a co-worker. Maybe a friend who started her own business and is now succeeding. Maybe you do it in your own family. It’s deeper than gossip, though gossip is the same basic idea. . . . Collusion is such an easy and addictive way to distract yourself from the good stuff that comes from facing your own discomfort. . . .

Colluding is not about you not being nice enough. It has more to do with your own fear and insecurity. Colluding hurts you. It disempowers you. It keeps you distracted and agitated enough that you’ll remain just short of your intentions, and they’ll have a harder time manifesting.The bottom line is that it’s a lot more work and a lot more scary to sit still and ask of yourself, Why is this getting to me? Why do I want to trash this person?

So, then, Why Do We Collude? There’s a wide range of motivations for collusion. One thing I’ve noticed is that we do it because it’s the easiest thing to do. And it’s so socially acceptable. (There are entire blogs dedicated to trashing celebrities. And people love them!) It’s a way to pass the time. It’s a way of connecting with people when you don’t know there’s a deeper way to connect.I see collusion as an addiction. A distraction from the real issue. And the real issue is you. And fear. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear that you’ll always be alone. . .

Collusion and Friendships One of the unhealthiest aspects of female friendships that I see and have participated in is the unspoken contract that says: If we’re friends, then I’ll hate the same people you hate. I’ll hate your ex-husband. I’ll hate your lame boss. I’ll trash the pretty new employee that works down the hall from you just because you think she’s a slut. And in all of this diss-ing, we’ll have our bond.That, as far as I’m concerned, is an old model. And it makes for weak relationships.A more empowering friendship is one where you can listen or just allow space if your friend is getting triggered by, say, an angry boss. It’s not that you don’t have deep compassion and understanding for why his behavior is hurting your friend. But jumping in and adding, “You’re right. What an idiot. He’s a loser!” just keeps the situation stuck and in drama. It stops your friend’s growth in its tracks. . . .

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