Feelings

Feelings, nothing more than feelings .....

Yeah that is how I feel anymore.  My whole life has been consumed by feelings and I am not so sure I like it.  There are days I wish I could be back to the person who walked around in a haze and didn't feel.  

The highs are high and the lows are low.  Why can't I find a happy medium??

I need to slip the mask into place yet again and just not feel

OMG

I actually forgot how to get to here!

Where you ask ...

Well here, blogger.  I had the brilliant idea that I would share my current obsession ... you know me I am like a fart in a tea kettle and can't settle on one thing for too long :)

SO I had a few minutes of quiet and I thought what the hay, I'll do a post.  I sat down at the computer, fingers poised above the keyboard - yet they didn't move LOL.  In my head I was thinking, I think it's blogger, but wait no that doesn't sound right.

How did I get here then you may wonder.

I, ummm, went to a friend's blog and hit the little button at the top *blush*  yep that's how I did it. Once I saw that it WAS blogger dot com I was all Homer like

What is new with me???

I got me a new tattoo, and I have a feeling when I go back for a touch up I will be having him add two more littler ones underneath of the one he just did.

Work is CRAZY busy.  I am responsible for surgeries and cardiac caths now - I had a co-worker say to me the other day "MJ, I would put my foot down and tell them to do it themselves."  My response, "No way, I would like to keep my job thankyouverymuch!!!"

Goose is amazing.  We still have emotional meltdowns (which probably would be better if I would remember to make her take the fish oil - oops).  However, her teacher this year has been a blessing in disguise.  Mrs L has challenged Goose intellectually (sp?) which has helped SO much.  Mrs L has also caught on that altho the kids have been accused of being the bully, she is the one being bullied!  *RELIEF*

Ducky is talking up a storm.  I mean to the point some nights I look at her and ask her to shut it.  I know,I know how mean!  But really, do you know what it is like to crave just a little bit of silence in the night!??!  I am blessed tho, with both girls.

OH.  I, a grown woman of 33 yrs, can NOT wait until it is county fair time.  Yep, I admitted it.  BUT it's because I am looking forward to a night with friends, rocking it to SEETHER!!!!!!  and Finger Eleven!!!! and Black Stone Cherry!  YIPPIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Regrets

Seeing how it is the new year, I wanted to tackle a huge topic - REGRETS.  I had a post plotted in my head when I opened my email this morning at work and found the following. 
People who cover over their sins will not prosper. But if they confess and forsake them, they will receive mercy” Proverbs 28:13 (NLT).


How often do you play the “if only” game?

• If only I had it to do over.

• If only I had listened sooner.

• If only I could erase the past.

• If only I could forgive myself.

Because no one is perfect, we all have regrets. We’ve all made bad choices, said foolish things, wasted time, and hurt ourselves and others.

How do you release those regrets?

Here are some strategies that don’t work:

1. We bury them. Burying the past doesn’t work. Like creatures from a horror movie, unresolved regrets come back to haunt us over and over. Minimizing (“It wasn’t a big deal”), rationalizing (“Everyone does it”), and compromising (lowering your standards) are ways we try to bury our regrets.

2. We blame others. This tactic is as old as Adam and Eve. When Adam sinned, he took it like a man – he blamed his wife! We use blame to balance out our guilt.

3. We beat ourselves. We try to pay for our guilt unconsciously through illness, depression, setting ourselves up for failure, and other forms of self-punishment. The problem with beating up on yourself is this: your conscience never knows when to stop! Many spend their entire lives in self-condemnation.

What does God want me to do with my regrets?

• Admit my guilt. Own up to it. Don’t make excuses. The Bible says, “People who cover over their sins will not prosper. But if they confess and forsake them, they will receive mercy” (Proverbs 28:13 NLT).

• Accept Christ’s forgiveness. He’s waiting to clean your slate. Ask him to clear your conscience, and then remember “there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1 NLT).

• Forgive yourself and focus on the future. “Do not remember the past events, pay no attention to things of old. Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert” (Isaiah 43:18-19 HCSB).

Questions: Are there things from your past that you need to let go of? That you need to hand over to God? Try the steps given above for getting over your regrets.

Author Rick Warren

hmmm

Wow, it has been a really long time since I felt the need to come here.  And yet here I am, on New Year's Eve of all times.

A lot has happened, but even more is to come.

Goose does really well if we can keep the fish oil in her.  There are days that I look at her and I wonder where the child is.  I worry that she has grown up way too quick, that she is another old soul.

Ducky is on her way to being potty trained.  She was doing GREAT, then I decided that we should go to Disney World right after Thanksgiving.  This decision was made the first week of November (!!) so I really didn't think I could get her COMPLETELY trained before we left so we packed plenty of pull-ups - and SO glad we did.

Disney - WHAT A WONDERFUL TIME!!!!   My focus was on what the girls wanted to do and it was just a blessing to be able to take them.

My grandma fell in December.  Due to her co-morbidities (conditions) the local hospital flew her to Toledo to a larger & more experience team.  When she fell, she split open her nose, which required surgery.  Then she ended up being hospitalized for 3 days - BUT we were blessed and she was able to come home for Christmas.  It was a mixed emotion day for me.  I was estatic that she was there, then at the same time I was battling with the fear that this is her last Christmas with us.  Also, seeing her so fragile really rocked my emotions.  This is the lady that had her hair set every Saturday & then went shopping right after (I LOVED my Saturdays with grandma!)  She was the epitimey of class.  This is the woman who once was the mayor of my home town & helped developed our current park.

And on to this week.  This week is yet another bitter sweet one.  Our family is about to lose a man that was sooo full of life to leukemia.  He has put up a battle, for sure!!  Yesterday we went to the University of Michigan Hospital for what will be our last time with him.  It also was the day that all of his family flew in to say their goodbyes.  This is going to be hard for my father-in-law and unfortunately, the stubborness that my husband shows runs in the family,  I am afraid that he will hold in all of his emotions, and that there will be an explosions.  So I ask for peace.  Peace for the wonderful man we are losing AND for my father-in-law.

Tonight I am ringing in the New Year alone, well sorta.  As I type this I can hear the dog's and my husband's snores & the girls are tucked tight in their beds.  I was hoping to bring in the New Year with the hubs, but he was just too tired.  Sign of age I guess. So I will take this night of quiet to reflect on the experiences of the last year and how I have grown from them.  Then as the ball drops at Midnight, I will open the next chapter in my life.

xo

No words

Today, as I was walking into one of the departments I work with, I caught a glimpse of a male in our signature blue-green scrubs.  I paused, backed pedal just a couple steps & stared.  It was like that moment when you come to an unknown intersection and you need to make a quick decision.  What do I say?  What do I do? 

For you see, it WAS the male co-worker who unexpectedly lost his wife  3(+/-) weeks ago.  This is his second week back to work & my first time seeing him since the day the accident happened.  I can still hear him saying "wassup" in his fun, laid back manner merely hours before his life changed.  Yet the man I saw today wasn't him.  There was no smile, there was no "wassup."  You could literally see that he lost his soulmate and no words could provide the comfort needed today.  No words could let him know how much I wish it wasn't him having to go thru this.  No words were spoken but a quick "oh hunny" to let him know I recongnized him and then let a hug do all the talking for us.



The feelings that transpired in that one hug, that only lasted a mintue but seemed like 10, can not easily be put into words. 
It felt like I was holding onto a young boy who lost his one and only true love.  Which is exactly what happened, for this couple WERE that high school couple who married after school AND stayed together.  You could feel the love, you could SEE the love between them. 
But most importantly,  I felt like I left a little bit of my hope and strength with him (& I wish I could have left more)

realization

thanks google for the image

Ok, being bluntly honest here, but I could absolutely see how someone could become an alcoholic.



 Drink One = Relaxed
Drink Two = Numb

Then you wake up to reality and just want to do it all over again.  Over time I'm sure it would take more than the two drinks to hit numb and so the cycle begins. 

Loss for Words

yep, you read the title right.  I am at a total loss for words.

I have NEVER had someone that payed enough attention to the words spoken, and unspoken, to know what I am truly feeling.  Wait that is a false statement.  I never HAD someone do that until recently.

There is a wonderful couple that I have found to be like family to me.  Seriously, the wife and I are like long, lost soul sisters and her husband (HH) is just one big ol' teddy bear.  For being of the male species, I am surprised at how well he listens and gives advice - if I didn't know betterI would think that he was .... gay. 

Anyways ....

A couple weeks ago I recieved a message from HH saying that he was writing a song, for me!?!  ME!???  Ok, sure if you say so. 

Overnight he titled it "Waiting for my Rainbow"  and just last night I received a preview of what to expect.  TEARS were flowing.  HOW did he do it?? How did he capture my thoughts and put them in a song, then SING it so that I feel the emotion? 

I am the luckiest girl around right now, that's for sure

THANK YOU

I wanted to say THANK YOU to all that have continued to read what I have to say even though I disappeared for awhile.  I also owe a HUGE thank you to Tina & blueviolet  these wonderful girls keep coming back and commenting even though I have been a HORRIBLE blogger and not returned the favor or even responded to their comments.

I have to admit that I wasn't sure if I wanted to get back into blogging.  I feel as though what I have to say isn't the most interesting stuff in the world.  Also, the drama that my site created when I started blogging was enough to deter me from even wanting this outlet.  Then there is my attention span - I mean come on, I didn't even finish the 30 day challenge!!   PLUS I must admit a dirty little secret, I "love" facebook because it allows me to post my random thoughts right then and there AND I don't even have to give a prelude as to where the thought comes from!

THEN I stop and think about all the good that has came from this site.  I met a wonderful woman from right here in my town - someone that had it not been for blogger I would prob never met  (yes you HeatherLynn).  Then there is Holly ... dear sweet Holly of This woman absolutely rocks as does her IRL friend Jenn of . THANK YOU GIRLS!

Oh and Polly dear, I miss our chats and exchanges - I still read, but because of my teetering on the fence of what to do here I stopped commenting. 

I have to admit, I am afraid of putting myself out there again. I'm not sure if I can do it, but for those of you who continue to read and support me

2 Week Update

I must say that things continue to look positive on the fish oil front.  Who knew!?!?!

As much as I LOVE Goose, there were many times I couldn't stand to be around her because it was CONSTANT crying, screaming, throwing or hitting.  Talking calmly, screaming, time outs, spankings, soap, NOTHING seemed to faze this child when she was in "that" mood.

We still have emotional outbursts, but not nearly as intense as before & she seems able to defuse herself much quicker.   I am not on edge wondering when the next MAJOR melt down will occur.  This in turn has allowed me to be more at ease and really enjoy my time with Goose.  Just this weekend we made Zucchini bread and it was FUN!!!!

Also, she seems to be able to concentrate better.  One would have thought she was an ultimate blonde (sorry to all my blonde readers)  before.  I had to give her one instruction at a time (have you ever tried to get ready in the morning with a child like that.  Goose, please put your shirt on.  Goose put your pants on. Goose, Goose, Goose ....)  Now I can just do the general instruction of Goose, please get dressed and know that it will get done.

Before I get flamed for my honesty, I DON'T expect my child to be perfect & I know that she will get side tracked some.  If you have ever lived with a child that has behavioral issues and ADD tendencies then you would understand . .

more updates to come :o)

1 week

ok not quite, but close enough, since Goose started fish oil.  I can't say that I've seen a huge change in behavior yet BUT there is one thing that it has helped tremendously.  *drum roll please*

Goose's upper arms and chest use to look like this .....

yep that nasty chicken skin look that KP (Keratosis Pilaris) provides has cleared up!!!  I would say that it looks like this now .......

(isn't that just the cutest thing you've ever seen)

Ok maybe her skin isn't that soft YET but it's so nice that she's not so self conscience of her arms because you can not see a bump any where.  If you rub your hands across the skin, it feels a lil bumpier than most people skin, but we will gladly take it!

Happy Saturday everyone!!!  I am off to Toledo to see a local musician/band and just relax!!! 

Experiment

As some of you who've been around for awhile know, Goose is a handful.  She was placed in counseling during school last year because of her high risk behaviors.  On top of that she is a VERY emotional gal (ie angers easily, cries at the drop of a pin, etc).

I was going to push to have her evaluated to see if she falls on a spectrum somewhere.  Not so I could use the diagnosis as a crutch, but so we could approach her with the needed resources.  Our doctor is concerned, but wants to see how the start of school goes.  In the mean time I have done some research of my own.

Many know that fish oil is a natural supplement for heart & cholestorol health.  BUT it has been shown to help with moods & behaviors also.  The research I have found show that there are children who are known ADD/ADHD, on the Autism spectrum, or depressed & who have been able to stop their medicines because of Fish Oil.  A lightbulb went off in my head ... A NATURAL supplement that may help Goose. 

Needless to say, last night I gave Goose her first dose.  I was afraid because I didn't get the sublingual drops but the soft gels that rival prenatals.  She took a sip of water then placed the pill in her mouth. Another sip of water & gulp.  Did it go down???  A quick peek showed nope.  She's laughing and I am smiling saying take another drink & try again.  Once again - FAIL.  My last encouragement - I told her to chug her water *laugh*  and guess what it worked!

So here is to Fish Oil & my little experiment.  I will try to keep you all update.

xo

Days 5 & 6

Day 5 -->  Something you hope to do in your life.

To make a difference in people's lives.  Whether that is just by being the best I can be or by actually being able to get my hands in a project to do so.

Day 6 --> Something you hope you never have to do.

Bury one of my girls.  I know that the possibility is there - I have seen my grandma bury 2 of her 3 children & the grief it has brought.

Day 04

Something you have to forgive someone for

I need to forgive a person for their past mistakes so that we can move forward. 
It is harder than it seems though because in the back of my mind I am fearful it will happen again.

DAYS 2 & 3

Something you love about yourself

My compassion for others

how expressive my eyes are

but most of all I LOVE that over the last year I have become comfortable with who I am!

from looks to personality I love that I am okay with me

 

Something you have to forgive yourself for

Wow this is a hard one as part of learning to love myself included forgiving myself of all my mistakes & faults.  From being overweight, to being mentally unstable at times, to the relationships I have lost because of my personality.  The list could go on.

WAIT I know ... I need to forgive myself for not always being the best mom & wife.  That is a daily forgiveness for me because I know that I am not perfect!

DAY 1

Something you hate about yourself

This prompt reminded me of this post: Me at My Worst

I still have to say the thing I hate most about myself is the automatic reaction when I feel hurt or violated.  I take such pride in what I do and I care passionately about all I do that when I am challenged (or told I am wrong etc, etc, etc) that I instantly crumble.  Once I get all the emotion out I am okay & able to absorb what was said  & then apply it (if I think it is worthwhile advice)

30 Day Challenge

Well after a long break I found something that peaked my interest enough to draw me out of my blog hibernation. 

There is a 30 Days of Truth challenge going on out in the blogasphere - I found the information HERE BUT because I am lazy I'm going to post all 30 days prompts here also :o) 

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
 
Because this is my blog, I may or may not post on every single one.  YES I know that part of the challenge is to do so, but you know what I have learned that it's ok to "color" outside the lines in life

Holding on by a Thread

What do you do when you have a friendship that is just being held together by one little thread??

You are at different points in your lives.

You don't have the same goals.

It's a struggle to find commonality.

And when that thread is tested and pulled tighter than ever before what happens??

Do you let it snap & say ef it?

Do you get out the clear nail polish and try to fix it?

Do you just bless & release?

I think I am at the point of bless & release.  I will always love them, but I think that it is time to set the friendship back out to the sea of time.  We returned once to each other & maybe we will again. If not, we will always have the memories.

Wordless Wednesday!

on rainy days like today I look at my phone & see this ... an instant pick me up :o)

Weekly Wisdom - Change

You'll never change your life until you change your choices.

thanks google for image :o)

If you want something in your life to change, then you'll have to change your choices and actions. That is because doing the same thing will never get you different results.

In other words, what you do -- the choices you make, the way you treat people, the attitudes you have -- all impact your life. If, by your actions, you're sowing bad seeds, then you'll reap a harvest of those things. 2 Corinthians 9:6 says, Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.

Therefore, if you want to reap abundant harvests in your life, start sowing abundant seeds. That may require changing your choices; but until you change your choices, you'll never change your life.

Healing Stones

thanks google for image :o)

What do you think when you hear healing stones??

Until recently I would think about hot stone massages.  If you have never had one, I strongly encourage you to ... oh the pure bliss.  anyways, before I get sidetracked any more let me move on.

I was browsing Paperback Swap last weekend when I stumbled upon a book.  It peaked my interested for several reason & quickly used up one of my credits requesting it.  It arrived in my mailbox Thursday or Friday night & once I started reading it I couldn't put it down.  The deepth of this book just BLEW me away.

HEALING STONES

A SULLIVAN CRISP NOVEL

In my opinion, this is one of the best Christian fiction books I have read - heck I would said it is in the top 10 books EVER & I have read a lot in my 32 years.

Amazon's blurb ...

With one flash of a camera, Demi's private life becomes public news. She doesn't know it yet, but her healing has just begun.

Christian college professor Demitria Costanas had vowed to end her affair with a colleague. But she gives into temptation one last time...and a lurking photographer captures her weakness for all to see. Quite literally, she's the woman caught in adultery. And almost everyone--herself included--has a stone to throw.

Enter Sullivan Crisp, a decidedly unorthodox psychologist with his own baggage. He's well-known for his quirky sense of humor and incorporation of "game show" theology into his counseling sessions. And yet there's something more he offers...hope for a fresh start.

Reluctantly the two of them begin an uplifting, uneven journey filled with healing and grace. By turns funny and touching, this story explores the ways humans hurt each other and deceive themselves. And it shows the endlessly creative means God uses to turn stones of accusation and shame into works of beauty that lead us onto the path of healing.

An auspicious debut for a candid yet tender series about pain, healing, and God's invitation for second chances.

This blurb does not do this book justice & neither do I.  Let me just say this: I learned so much in the last two days, that my last year and half makes more sense to me than it ever has.