Saturday, November 7, 2009


As I wrote my last post, it was hard for me to say the word friend. What distinguishes between the terms acquaintance, co-worker, friend, and best friend? I use to think that I knew what the answer was, but now a days, I am not so sure.

I do know that when you lose your best friend that a part of you dies, no matter how much you pretend it didn’t. One moment, you had someone to share your biggest triumphs and fatal flaws with; the next minute, you had to keep them bottled in side. One moment, you’d start to call her to tell her a snippet of news or vent about your awful day before realizing you did not have that right anymore; the next you didn’t even know her phone number. And it hurts, badly. When you have a bond with someone and to suddenly feel as if it was all pulled out from underneath you hurts. Who do you turn to? Who do you trust?

I am afraid to let anyone in my life again. I have put a wall up so high that I don’t even know if I can climb over it. I have put a mask in place that allows most to think that I am okay. There are days I even fool myself into believing I am okay. I have to be, I have to be the strong one, for Goose’s sake. It is not fair to her to have a mom that is depressed, especially when she is hurting too.


Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

I'm so sorry ((HUGS))

Erin M. said...


I can relate to this post completely. I have no idea what the differences are among all those people you describe. I used to think it was more fluid, but I'm not so sure.

I have been guilty of thinking someone was my friend when she wasn't...that sucks. I've lost friends too, either by arguments, distance, time, or just subtle changes over the years. It is never easy and it is never fun.

I think I put up walls, too. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it. I am afraid to let people get too close to me. I am afraid to trust. I think people don't truly like me. It sucks.

I will be your friend. Will you be mine?

Margaret said...

I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help.

Rook No. 17 said...

Big HUGS to you! You are a smart, wonderful, talented and dynamic woman and deserve better. Yeah, friendships are tricky, and I think one of the hardest parts of "growing up" and getting older is discovering that we must re-define "friendship" (sometimes more than once) in order to make it through.

About two years ago my closest friend EVER, my "sister in spirit" started to pull away from me. I felt like I tried everything I could to save the friendship. I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong or how I could have been so flawed! Our families did everything together, so it not only felt like a personal betrayal, but a complete family abandonment. It's been a very long road to recovery and finding inner peace. It's been very difficult being able to come to terms with the fact that it doesn't matter what went wrong: it was about HER and HER issues, not anything to do with a shortcoming on my part. Not to say that I'm perfect, but it was HER issues that caused HER inability to deal with me for who I am.

I felt the same way as you~ very guarded, and never imagining that I'd ever be able to open myself up again to new friendships. I've slowly been coming out of my self-imposed prison, and have realized that I've been wasting my time mourning a very selfish and cruel person and depriving myself of lots of wonderful people who want to be close to me in the process. I still have some walls up and know I have a long way to go yet, but I'd like you to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Go easy on yourself. You don't have to jump back in with both feet. Just get your feet wet. Wade for a while, and enjoy the other wonderful aspects of your life in the meantime.


Charisse and Holly said...

Friendships/Relationships can be tough. Sometime we go thru different seasons of life and our friendships change. We have inner circle of friends that are sooo close, you share everything without feeling judged and then you have outer circles that are more superficial. We all put up walls to guard ourselves but make sure you aren't keeping out those that could make a difference in your life, especially the ones that make you laugh.
Charisse @

Anonymous said...

I have weird issues w/friend and other terms, too, and always thought I was the only one who freaked out about what to call someone!! I have days where I feel like I have no *BFF* and even remembering the ones I thought I had in the past, well, looking back on those relationships, they weren't really honest or genuine, so were we ever BFFs??? Makes my head spin ;)

kys said...

I'm sorry that you're struggling with this. I have a hard time making friends in real life, too. I tend to shut people out because it is so much easier that way. I think you are a great person and I admire you bravery for putting all this out there.

Holly said...

I have been thinking about friendship so much and was going to do a post on it. I am so sorry yo are having to deal with this. I know how badly it hurts, although I have not had anything happen to this extent in recent years. Just try to keep perspective - it is this person who has another issue they are dealing with and chances are good it has nothing to do with you - we always hurt the ones we love right. Walls are easily put up, but try to keep them "not too high" so you don't miss a good thing coming your way when it does.

I am also a firm believer that people come in and out of our lives for a reason - to help us, to teach us, to care for us...and sometimes that time is over...even though it sucks! ( eloquent, eh?)

We'll al be your are awesome!


Tami G said...

Oh sweetheart - I'm so sorry you are struggling with this.
I NEVER had close girlfriends growing up - NEVER. Now - I have 3 girlfriends that I really don't know how I would have made it through the past 3 years of my life without. I don't know how I got so lucky to have them.... I truly trust them all with my everything.

On the flip side - I seem to be un-datable. Have a REALLY hard time letting a man into my life. HUGE wall issues there!!

I also TOTALLY agree with HOlly - I do believe that believe come in and out of our lives for a reason. I actually recently blogged about that... they come to help us, to hurt us, to love us & to leave us...all so that we can learn just a little more about ourselves.

I bet you are a VERY strong person and that is a great quality to possess! Anyone would be lucky to call you a friend :)

Anonymous said...

Im not one to leave long deep comments..... Cause Im just not very good at it. But I wanted to say- That Sucks!! Im sorry you lost your friend and are feeling crappy. =(

prashant said...

I used to think it was more fluid, but I'm not so sure. Work From Home