As I wrote my last post, it was hard for me to say the word friend. What distinguishes between the terms acquaintance, co-worker, friend, and best friend? I use to think that I knew what the answer was, but now a days, I am not so sure.
I do know that when you lose your best friend that a part of you dies, no matter how much you pretend it didn’t. One moment, you had someone to share your biggest triumphs and fatal flaws with; the next minute, you had to keep them bottled in side. One moment, you’d start to call her to tell her a snippet of news or vent about your awful day before realizing you did not have that right anymore; the next you didn’t even know her phone number. And it hurts, badly. When you have a bond with someone and to suddenly feel as if it was all pulled out from underneath you hurts. Who do you turn to? Who do you trust?
I am afraid to let anyone in my life again. I have put a wall up so high that I don’t even know if I can climb over it. I have put a mask in place that allows most to think that I am okay. There are days I even fool myself into believing I am okay. I have to be, I have to be the strong one, for Goose’s sake. It is not fair to her to have a mom that is depressed, especially when she is hurting too.