“The thing about having something hidden in your past is that you spend every minute of the future building a wall that makes the monsters harder to see. You convince yourself that the wall is sturdy and thick, and one day, when you wakeup and the horrible thing does not immediately jump into your mind, you give yourself the freedom to pretend that it is well and truly gone. Which only makes it that much more painful when something like it happens again, and you learn the concrete wall is really as transparent as glass and twice as fragile."- Jodi Piccoult in Keeping Faith
As many of you know, I have had a rough 6 or 7 months. However, the demons I am fighting are not just because of what happened then. It is a combination of so many things that makes my head swim.
I have had a mask/wall up since I was a teenager, I had to in order to survive. Part because of the friendship issue I discussed in The Way I Am the other because of the secret. I think it is time that I put out there what the secret was and why I have built a wall and put a mask in place.
I am a survivor of sexual abuse - I am very lucky that my situation is not as bad as some, but it still is devistating to a young soul. Especially so when there is proof that things happen, but the person gets "away" with it because "look at her, I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole."
To cope with the above, I had to pretend eveything was okay. I had make everyone believe that I am strong and can handle anything, where as in reality I am as weak as they come. I have a hard time processing what really happens and feel as though everything is my fault.
Then add in a marriage that I am not sure is worth saving. The man has done a lot of changing the last 6 months and I feel horrible that I don't want to let him back in. I have been hurt so much by him emotionally and a couple times physically, I just put the wall back up. I am scared to let him back in.
I know I need to leave the past in the past, but it is so hard to do so when you are afraid of hurt and disappointment repeating itself over and over.