Monday, November 16, 2009

Masks & Walls

“The thing about having something hidden in your past is that you spend every minute of the future building a wall that makes the monsters harder to see. You convince yourself that the wall is sturdy and thick, and one day, when you wakeup and the horrible thing does not immediately jump into your mind, you give yourself the freedom to pretend that it is well and truly gone. Which only makes it that much more painful when something like it happens again, and you learn the concrete wall is really as transparent as glass and twice as fragile."- Jodi Piccoult in Keeping Faith


As many of you know, I have had a rough 6 or 7 months.  However, the demons I am fighting are not just because of what happened then.  It is a combination of so many things that makes my head swim.

I have had a mask/wall up since I was a teenager, I had to in order to survive.  Part because of the friendship issue I discussed in The Way I Am the other because of the secret.  I think it is time that I put out there what the secret was and why I have built a wall and put a mask in place.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse - I am very lucky that my situation is not as bad as some, but it still is devistating to a young soul.  Especially so when there is proof that things happen, but the person gets "away" with it because "look at her, I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole."

To cope with the above, I had to pretend eveything was okay.  I had make everyone believe that I am strong and can handle anything, where as in reality I am as weak as they come.  I have a hard time processing what really happens and feel as though everything is my fault.

Then add in a marriage that I am not sure is worth saving.  The man has done a lot of changing the last 6 months and I feel horrible that I don't want to let him back in.  I have been hurt so much by him emotionally and a couple times physically, I just put the wall back up.  I am scared to let him back in.

I know I need to leave the past in the past, but it is so hard to do so when you are afraid of hurt and disappointment repeating itself over and over.

10 comments:

ShellSpann said...

Thank you for writing this. I needed to read that. I hope you don't mind but I want to post it over at my blog too. *HUGS*

Margaret said...

Thank you for sharing and let tell you that I too was sexually abused and I still trying to figure out how to get over it and let men in my life. If you ever wanna just talk I am here for you! My email address is margaannemarie@yahoo.com

Hang in there!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

That is a huge sharing moment. Thank you for that. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I can tell you that I love you and am here for you....

kys said...

Thank you so much for sharing with us. I think it is great that you were comfortable enough to write this. I don't have the right words for you but I do care for you and want you to know that I'm here for whatever you want or need.

The Blue Zoo said...

As an advocate for domestic violence with some sexual assault training, I think its great you were able to talk about this!! I know it can be hard to open up.

Erin M. said...

I think it took guts & great courage to write about this on your blog. BIG HIGH FIVE!

I am here for you. I may not know the right words, but I am here to listen and be a sounding board.

I know what you mean about letting go of the past. I have a really hard time doing that. Some people make it look so easy...

I am sorry for what you have been through and for what you are going through now with your husband....I hope things will work out.

Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

I'm glad you are able to share with us, to let things off of your chest. I wish you nothing but peace, security and wisdom as you sort through things.

Holly said...

That took a lot of courage. I cannot even imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.I truly hope something positive come out of expressing yourself.

Holly

Picture Imperfect said...

*hugs*

Thank you for sharing with us. I have similar issues in my past. I have never, ever spoken to anybody about it in any context. There is alot of fear involved for me which is strange because I am not a fearful person; I typically tackle challenges head on.

Thank you for being a brave example. I hope I'll follow in your footsteps someday soon.

Rook No. 17 said...

MJ, you're amazing! I'm awed by your courage in opening up and am hopeful that it is a healthy step in your healing process! It sounds like you've had a very rough several months, indeed, but your ability to talk through it, identify the problems, and look for answers in positive places is certainly putting you on the right path.