Sunday, November 15, 2009

How did she know?

Well she strikes again.  The same coworker/friend that gave me a swift kick managed to do what no one else has been able to do for awhile.

We pass each other several times through out the day since her department is just down the hall from mine.  We always wave, say hi, and if we have time we stop and chit chat.  Well, one day last week she stopped me just as I was going in the door of my department.  Usual pleasantries were exchanged, then she is her blunt self.  "Are you okay?  I mean are you really okay?" and she gave me this look like come on, I know so you better not lie to me.  Damn her.  She brought tears.  She saw through my mask and knew that I am just pretending to be strong and happy.  How did she know!?

There is so much on my mind that I don't know which way to turn.  I should just say fuck it and not think about anything from this point on, but that is easier said than done.  Then I think, why not add more to my plate so that I can forget.  Forget about everything and just pretend that things didn't happen.  Instead, I put my mask back on and plug away and hope one day I can have the peace I pray everyone else has.

10 comments:

Erin M. said...

MJ,

I know we have different backgrounds/stories, but I definitely relate to the mask metaphor. I feel like I do that pretty frequently myself. And I hate the questions that, on the wrong/worst day, make me dissolve into tears. Ugh.

I'm so sorry this happened. I hope things will even out in time....

Baby Marshie said...

Are we all PMS-ing together, LOL? I ended up in tears for no *good* reason at church today, of all places. Prayers for everyone!!

Margaret said...

I know what you are talking about. I feel like I am wearing the mask all the time. People just wanna see you happy not how you may actually be feeling!

Hang in there!

kys said...

I know what you mean about wearing a mask. I can only stuff those feelings down for so long. Then something happens and - BOOM - the floodgates open and here come the tears that last for days.

SparkleFarkle said...

I hear you; quiet desperation is my constant companion, too. I will sing you a lullaby today. Everything will be okay. It will.

Life Laugh Latte said...

We all use masks...we couldn't survive if we constantly let everything out for everyone to see. And frankly, not everyone deserves to know our hearts. Find those people MJ where you can be honest, and then be completely honest. I know that you know that God is the best one. Praying for you. Holly:)

Mama B said...

I can completly identify with you as I am having some of those moments too right now. However sometimes I wish people wouldn't push....I wasn't ready to share.

Oh well this too shall pass right and we will all move on! Keep looking up!

Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

I think more people -especially women- go through this than are willing to admit it. It isn't easy to open up and show your true feelings. I wish you luck as you work through this.

Holly said...

Maybe that was the right person at the right time to see through the mask and send you on the right path. Hugs!

Rook No. 17 said...

MJ, so sorry! Sounds like she may have opened the door for you to get everything off your chest, though. Perhaps this is an opportunity to go back, tell her that there is something on your mind, and let her know exactly how the way she handled things has affected you. An opportunity for closure? Of course, I'm better at giving advice than actually doing the hard work myself. As you know I've had my heartache with a close friend as well, and I know I'd be able to close the book once and for all if I just let her know all my feelings. Have you ever tried to write a "Dear Friend" letter (not for her, but on your blog) just to hash it all out? Just another thought. Might be cathartic.