You Will Never Know Why

I was all prepared to share with you why I avoid going to my parents home.  The stress of a Thanksgiving with my mom was enough for me to take a nerve pill before and one while there.  I was going to write about what it is that makes me dread these get togethers, but instead I am trying to process the news I received this morning.

0700 - I knew that something was up because my phone was ringing and it was my parent's number.  Mom has not called this early since I first moved to Delphos when I was 21.  I almost answered the phone "what is wrong mom?" - I should have.  The first thing that crossed my mind was my grandma had passed, but it was not that.  My uncle (mom's brother) was found around 0430 this morning by his son.  This is the second sibling mom has lost unexpectedly within 4 years.  Grandma has had a life of losses (husband in her 40's, a long term boyfriend, a couple really close friends, a daughter and now her son) and I truly think this is what will make her give up.  There is no rhyme or reason to this, it makes you want to ask WHY?  I know my mom is going through the what if's - What if I would have done what mom asked and taken a plate of food to him Thanksgiving, would it have been avoided?  What if I wasn't so resentful of how he took advantage of mom?

I don't know how to help, besides being moral support.  I offered to go and just be there but she refused saying that she would be too busy with grandma.  I know I should go, but part of me just can not handle going just yet.  I don't grieve like some do (well so far, who knows if it were my grandma or one of my parents) I take the news and move on.  I try to remember the good things and then move on.  Maybe it is the healthcare worker in me, I look at it as at least they are not suffering and we will never know why it was planned this way.  And now I am angry at my work.  I thought I knew the answer, but called to double check.  There is not even one day of breavement for an uncle/aunt.  How can a Catholic Hospital not offer at least one day paid so that you can support your family??