Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Holiday Eating Tips

I thought this was too funny not to pass on!

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.   It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.  Have two.  It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it.  That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk.  If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating.  The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free.  Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.  You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.   This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.  Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.  If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat.  Have a slice of each.  Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.  Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?  FYI: if the mincemeat isn't any good, it's because there are no raisins in it.  Be sure to point this out to your host.

9. Did someone mention fruitcake?  Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.  I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.



5thsister said...

Hey! Who's been following me at the parties I've been too? Was it you?

My kind of philosophy!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

That's funny!!

HeatherLynn said...

ah, you know how i love me some humor first thing in the a.m.

thanks MJ!


Anonymous said...

MMmmmmmm! That just made me hungy!

Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

I liked this, especially #5. HELLO! Why else you would go to a party with coworkers?!

Life Laugh Latte said...

No fruitcake...NO...NEVER! A "lite" holiday sounds horrible...I completely agree. Holly

Holly said...

You are too funny!

LAURA said...

haha! That was good!!

Jenn Erickson said...

MJ, I love it! This is the best holiday tip list I've read all season! With regard to eggnog, I like to share the sentiment, "Eggnog, It's not just for dinner." I've been turning my friends on to the trick of replacing the cream in your coffee with eggnog as soon as it hits the store shelves. Gotta pack as much' nog into your day as you can while the window is open! However, I save the spiked 'nog in coffee for the evening. It might be frowned upon if I went to work at the school smelling of brandy and spices!