Sunday, December 6, 2009

what to do

it is no secret that my marriage has it's up and downs, it is hard to believe that any marriage wouldn't have them.  But how to you survive them when you are done fighting for what you believe??  I use to think that with B I could do anything and that I could over look that we didn't have some of the things I desired.  But over the years, having someone beside me that can tear me down with just a few words or actions I have become broken.  I don't want this.  I want my girls to see a caring and loving relationship, not one full of bitterness and resentment.

As much as I just want to walk away from everyone and thing, I know that isn't feasible.  I could give you 100 reasons why it would be better for them, but I do know that in the long run we all would suffer if I did that.  I'm afraid of leaving because of my mental status, it is no secret that I attempted suicide back in June and that I still have several up and downs.  I doubt if any judge would allow me to have my girls.  I'm afraid of leaving because of the money also.  We struggle now, and I know that there is no way that the house payment would be able to be payed on just one income.  If my credit takes any more dings I am going to be on everyone's black list.  (house loan is in my name only because of B's credit)  I've looked into selling the house, but since we are married it has to be a joint agreement, and well he's not agreeing. 

I am thinking about either moving into the extra room down stairs or into Goose's room since she doesn't use it.  Only reason I would move into hers is because it is upstairs and allows me to hear both the girls.  Of course, that is why they created baby monitors I guess.

ARGGGGG

6 comments:

5thsister said...

As a new follower of yours I had no idea. I will continue to offer up prayers for you and your family. God bless.

kys said...

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I don't have any answers just prayers and virtual hugs. And I can lend an ear to listen if you ever need anything.

Life Laugh Latte said...

I pray for you all of the time MJ. I have a three close friends that all lost a parent to suicide, and all these years later...they are still messed up in so many ways. They deal with abandonment, and anger, and obsess over their own children in ways that may even scar them. Keep getting help, keep praying, keep believing that God gave you those kids because they need YOU! You are not allowed to give up on yourself or them. I love you enough to tell you these truths. God is big enough to walk you through whatever you have to face, don't let evil win! Holly

HeatherLynn said...

I won't tell you what to do, because if you don't know, it's impossible for me to....I know when I was contemplating divorce, it was a very difficult, and personal decision that only "I" could make. But what I did have while trying to decide was a throng of people just waiting to support me no matter what I decided. You'll know what to do eventually. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up...only through research and self discovery, does one learn what's best for them. You'll know...when you're supposed to.

have faith in that.

xoxox,
~hl~

Jenn Erickson said...

Sounds like you're in such turmoil right now. I'm so sorry. Have you made the move to another room? Is your husband open to communication? Counseling? I'd love for you to be getting the love, support, and security you deserve.

Holly said...

Oh MJ! I wish, I really wish there was something I could do to help you. Every deserves happiness. As Rook suggested...is counseling an option? I will think of you and your girls and send every good thought your way!