it is no secret that my marriage has it's up and downs, it is hard to believe that any marriage wouldn't have them. But how to you survive them when you are done fighting for what you believe?? I use to think that with B I could do anything and that I could over look that we didn't have some of the things I desired. But over the years, having someone beside me that can tear me down with just a few words or actions I have become broken. I don't want this. I want my girls to see a caring and loving relationship, not one full of bitterness and resentment.
As much as I just want to walk away from everyone and thing, I know that isn't feasible. I could give you 100 reasons why it would be better for them, but I do know that in the long run we all would suffer if I did that. I'm afraid of leaving because of my mental status, it is no secret that I attempted suicide back in June and that I still have several up and downs. I doubt if any judge would allow me to have my girls. I'm afraid of leaving because of the money also. We struggle now, and I know that there is no way that the house payment would be able to be payed on just one income. If my credit takes any more dings I am going to be on everyone's black list. (house loan is in my name only because of B's credit) I've looked into selling the house, but since we are married it has to be a joint agreement, and well he's not agreeing.
I am thinking about either moving into the extra room down stairs or into Goose's room since she doesn't use it. Only reason I would move into hers is because it is upstairs and allows me to hear both the girls. Of course, that is why they created baby monitors I guess.