Words of Wisdom

"Dear Lord, Help me to trust in You when life doesn't make any sense. To know that You love me unconditionally and are always there to carry my burdens. Remind me to seek You first when trials and challenges come my way, and to recognize Your faithfulness and goodness throughout my journey in life. Amen" My wonderful friend and coworker Sheri shared this with me at the end of last week. I have it where I can see it daily to remind me that I am not alone.

I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the world gives. So do not be troubled or afraid. John 14:27 This is the scripture that E's old teacher shared with me. It meant so much to me that I saved it and read it every day also.

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2

Do not deceive yourselves. If any one of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a "fool" so that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God's sight. As it is written: "He catches the wise in their craftiness"; and again, "The Lord knows that the thoughts of the wise are futile." 1 Corinthians 3:18-20

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 2 Corinthians 7:10

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Proverbs 3:3

This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another.
1 John 3:11

Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. James 1:2-4

"God forgives ALL sins, no matter how BIG" - Isaiah 1:18

☺

YAY!!!! the girls did WONDERFUL at the new daycare. Goose LOVES the pool and is excited that they get to go in 2 times a week. Ducky did not fuss 1 bit and LOVES the new staff as do they her. Anastasia said that she is the most sweet and well behaved lil one they have ever had! Hearing that made this move even more worth it. I know that my girls are being well taken care of and the best part ... NO SWEETS for snacks! LOVE IT!!! I absolutely love their security also. The person at the desk asks RIGHT AWAY for ID if they do not know you.

as for me, I miss the talking and laughing, but I will be ok. I am surrounding myself with people who love me for who I am, even my faults. I know I promised the person I would always be there for her, and I am in mind and heart even tho she doesnt want me to be.

edited to add at 815: ok I thought I was doing ok. I literally ran into them ... well I was driving thru the Meijer lot and they were walking out. Seeing her didn't hurt me like I thought, it was the laughing that did me in. I do not deserve to be laughed at; we are NOT in high school anymore Toto. So why does it hurt so much??? I know it is not worth the tears, but I trusted this person.

a letter never to be sent

I had to clear my head and wrote a letter to do so ... this is a dummy version. I actually had a very professional letter ready to be sent to the board and 1 to send to Letters to the Editor. I decided that I would be the adult and not send it since this does not need to be for EVERYONE to see, just my select few who can access this blog.

Recently there was an urgent board meeting to discuss a personal matter that had started to effect the day care. During this meeting, it was determined that my children should be released from the care of the center and that I would not be allowed to enter the facility. I can understand the concern you have for the children and your staff, however I am disappointed in the ultimate decision. I have entrusted my child(ren) to your care for 4 years and until recently there have been no issues.

Over the last month, I have really been struggling. Things with a very important friend in my life (who is an employee) started to fall to pieces and it seemed like everything else was going against me. When I would pick up my youngest daughter, this staff member and the assistant director would not talk to me and I felt very uncomfortable. It was determined that we could move her down to Tiny Tots early to help eliminate the discomfort with all parties involved. This helped at the center, however the issue at hand with the staff member needed to be addressed outside of the center. I refused to let a personal matter effect the center any more than I had.

At some point, staff members had told at least one parent and another staff member not to talk to me because of what was going on. I would like to know how it can be dictated who can talk to who. The parent and I were acquaintances outside of the center due to our jobs and our friendship with the staff member. My message to this parent was one of apology due to my behaviors during my mental breakdown. I did not go into any more details than that. I also shared with my oldest daughter’s teacher that myself and my child was having a rough time because this person was no longer in our lives and it may explain some of the behaviors she was displaying. I did indulge this staff with a little bit of personal information on me and the fact I had contemplated suicide because of my depression. I did that because I trusted this employee and she helped me by giving me a scripture to remember in my time of need.

I will take responsibility for the fact I did curse while in the center. I never once called any one names. However I did say it was fucking bullshit that all this was going on and that it was because of the assistant’s directors behaviors that I didn’t want to pick up or bring my children to the center. It was not the right thing to do and I apologized to everyone, including a parent that may have heard me. Other than that, the issue at hand was being dealt with outside of the center.

On the day that I went to the house to deliver a letter I had no desire to speak with the staff member. As I was walking back to my vehicle she pulled in and called the police department. I continued to leave because I did not want to cause a scene. It will be recorded that I told the officer that contacted me that I understood she did not want anymore contact from me and I stated that was fine I didn’t plan to. However, it was because of this incident that the assistant director contacted a board member. I was told through a text message at 8:00 PM that I would be unable to bring my children to the day care the next day due to this incident. I was understandably upset do to the way the message was delivered and the time. I was asleep and had no where to take my children while I worked the next morning. It is because of this message that I finally snapped and overdosed on Tylenol PM. Yes, my mental issue is the underlying cause as to why I did this, however the last stable thing in my life was ripped from me in an inappropriate manner.

I do not want my children to be reinstated, as I was just waiting until the summer was over to pull them out. I did not want to put my oldest daughter through two big changes in such a short time, however it probably is for the best that it happened. I remind myself daily that if someone can judge me for a months time span and not for the overall person I am, it is not worth my concern and my children are better off not under that type of care.

thinking

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~ Dr Seuss

I have been thinking, why have I been so hard on myself???? If people choose to judge me for my illness and how the last month has been then they obviously do not belong in my life. For if they really knew me they would know that it wasn't me. Well it was me, but not. My imbalance was way out of whack and I really do not remember some of the days. Sort of scary if you think about it.

I know that I am not alone it just some days it really feels that way. I forget that I am loved no matter what and all I have to do is believe. I have lost touch with myself and really need to reconnect.

Even though you won't see this: Thank you to those who have stood by me, I know it has been a rough ride.

mom's are always right

I talked some with my mom yesterday. She hit the nail on the head when she said that I am lonely. I may have people in my life, but a lot of the time I still feel all alone.

♥ She's HOME!!!!!!!! ♥

E is back home from Michigan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hugged on and kissed her as soon as I woke up this afternoon! I had not seen her since right before they took me away in the ambulance last Sunday and only got to talk to her once on the phone. I missed her hugs and I love yous SO MUCH and I didn't realize how much I missed the noise that comes along with her.

We told her that she will be going to a new daycare starting Monday and she seemed pretty ok with it. It is at our church so that helps, and they have a small pool on site so she will get to swim two times a week weather permitting. She did say she was going to miss her teacher, but we are unable to let her say good bye since I am not allowed on the property or to text them. Poor girl got caught in the middle of an adult issue gone bad.

Today has been rough for me since I am running on minimal sleep. I slept 3 to 4 hrs last night before going into work but it wasn't enough. I was suppose to get off at 7 but ended up staying till 9 because of a no call no show. When I got home all I wanted was to go to sleep, but B was ready to talk, and of course I was emotional due to being tired. I hope he has a better understanding of what was going thru my head now.

*

I readily admit that I have a chemical imbalance. That does not mean I am a bad person or crazy. All it means is that I have an illness that needs constant monitoring; just like a person with diabetes, thyroid disorders, or any number of other medical conditions. My medications may need to be adjusted or changed depending on how I am functioning. Also the stressors in my life have a major role in my mental status.

Over the last month, I have really been struggling. Things with a very important person in my life started to fall to pieces and it seemed like everything else was going against me. I knew that I was on a downward path so we increased my medicine dose. That seemed to help some, but the longer things went on, the weepier and crazier I seemed. At one point we added a nerve pill to see if that would help - it did to a point, but not enough. I knew I needed more help so I set up an appointment on Tuesday the 16th to see about getting my meds changed.

My doctor agreed that it was time to try something new, plus add some counseling. I was okay with that because it is a neutral sounding board. I was just ready to be myself again. I know that it can take 2 to 6 weeks to see the full effect of a med change. By day four though my moods seemed to stabilize. I wasn't as weepy, acting desperate, and I started to want to function instead of forcing myself to.

I could not believe the emotional roller coaster I had been on the previous 3 weeks. I actually don't remember it all I was so out of touch with myself. I do remember feeling completely hopeless and lost. My world seemed to fall apart; what felt like my only support was gone and I felt robbed. I gave 110% because I cared and when I needed something she wasn't there.

Because of ALL the stress I have been under (not just the last few months) I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). MDD profoundly affects an individuals quality of life. It may interfere with everything in their life; family, friends, jobs, sleep, appetite - EVERYTHING. As much as 15% of people who suffer MDD will attempt and succeed in suicide - making it have the highest mortality rate of any disorder.

My secondary diagnosis is one of Adjustment Disorder. This is a short term condition that occurs when a person is unable to cope with, or adjust to, a particular source of stress; such as a loss of a loved one. With this disorder, a person's reaction to the stressor is greater than what is typical or expected. It may also cause problems with a person's ability to function.

I am comparing my actions to the stages of grief. If you look closely at the pattern I went through you will see why. Grief can happen over any loss, not just a death.

Grief Stages
The first reaction to a loss is Denial.
You tell yourself that it isn't happening. You think that you cannot accept that it is ending, and you refuse to see the obvious signs that it is over for the other person. You think that you can talk or cajole them out of leaving. Sometimes, the main denial was in believing that the relationship was a good one in the first place when it really wasn't, and that's why so many people have a hard time accepting loss. In general, your mind refuses to accept what is happening.

Anger comes as you begin to accept reality.
In a loss, the frustrations that have existed begin to come out. You become angry at the way you were treated, about your life that has suddenly changed, about the way you were lied to and deceived, at the future you expected that will never be. You can become angry at fate, at God, at yourself for not doing enough. If anger is turned inward (not felt or expressed), one becomes depressed. Anger should be gotten in touch with, expressed properly and dealt with. It is important not to be destructive in your anger, but it is equally important to express your anger. Expressing anger is a sign that you are beginning to deal with your loss. If anger isn't expressed, it will make you bitter and hamper your recovery. It is important not to bury your anger, and it is important to express all of your anger before you try to forgive that person. Warning - Anger must be expressed appropriately, not recklessly. Most importantly - do not take your anger out on anyone in an unhealthy manner. Expressing your anger over the loss in the wrong way will only do harm to yourself and create an unmanageable relationship with others (OOPS! that would be me). Express your anger in such a way that you do not harm yourself or anyone else, and in such a way that you do not totally alienate anyone with your actions. You can also write letters to the other person and express the anger in any way you wish, but you should not give the letter to the other person. It is merely a way to release your anger (OOPS! that would be me again).

Bargaining is trying to get them back.
With losing someone, you promise the person you will change; you will do anything they want if he or she won't leave. You make elaborate plans for what you both can do to make it better. You make those plans when the person who wants to leave doesn't want to get back together. You grovel, you cry, you beg. Sometimes people compromise their values and beliefs to try to keep a person from leaving. Reaching the bargaining stage shows that you have begun to face the fact that the relationship is ending. You are past the denial stage. This is a necessary stage, and it helps you to look at what caused the problems in the first place.

Depression is an inevitable part of loss.
It comes during the anger stage, and the bargaining stage, and in the letting go stage. It can come at any stage, actually. Depression is normal. It may last longer in some people than in others. During the depression phase, you will cry a lot. Crying is normal, and tears are healing. Let yourself cry when you feel like it. If you cry constantly, everywhere, and it goes on for months and months, you probably need to seek medical help. (I DID!)

Acceptance means that you have reached the final stage.
When you have worked through all of the other stages, you will come to acceptance. You accept that everything happens for a reason. You may not see why yet, but you accept that it happened. You will see that you were friends with this person for a time for a reason, but that it is now over. You will realize that it is final, and you are ready to get on with your life. You will begin to feel free from the pain and the hurt. You will be finished with your grieving. You are ready to move on to a new life and let the other life remain in the past. You will be able to remember the good as well as the bad. You may always love and miss that person, but you realize that you are alive, and you have to go on living and make a new life for yourself without that person. You stop trying to bargain, cajole, and beg; you accept the inevitable, which is that you are going to have to get on with your life and make the best of it.

Remember: Even if you thought it was good, the person who left you isn't the person you needed to be with or they wouldn't have left you and caused you so much pain.

catch up

I lost it totally Sunday. I was agitated all day, however taking my nerve pill seemed to help. I wanted to leave a letter at the ex-friends house as my finality as I know what happened and I'm done. I didn't even want to talk to her. Well she pulled in and started going off on me. To make a long story short, she called the cops, which I find humorous because I was already leaving. When the cops called me to tell me she didn't want any contact from me, I said gladly I had no plans to.

Well the supposed angel (the assistant director from the day care) from the other day decided to take matters into her own hands and called one of the daycare board members (who also is a personal friend of hers, wrong in so many levels*) and they decided to tell me THROUGH text that I could not bring the girls to daycare because of harassment. At 800 at night, waking me up. I snapped. It was PURE BS because I was keeping the issue out of the daycare, yet they chose to include the daycare. Yes, I had some of my breakdown at the center prior to this, but I was doing my darnedest to keep it from there now.

I tried contacting some people for support because I knew I was about to totally lose it. No one answered and without even thinking I took a handful of Tylenol PM. I wanted to go to sleep and all this crap be over. One of my co-workers called me back and talked me through until the ambulance showed up. I barely remember the ride there and the ER. I know I had to drink the charcoal and I was pleading with the RN that I was trying but it was so nasty. Finally at 300 am I woke up and was coherent. I knew I was going to be EMCd, but I was so scared. I had sat all night in the ER by myself and now I had to be admitted to the Psych ward where I would have to face people I see everyday. But I made it through that day even seeing a nurse I use to work closely with and a bio-med guy. My doc left me go after 24 hrs even tho I could of been held for 72 hrs. He knew I knew I what I needed to do and had all the things set up, but had a melt down with what all transpired Sunday.

My official diagnosis, Major Depression with Adjustment Disorder. The adjustment disorder is due to losing someone so important to me and then having the 1 stable thing in my life (the daycare) ripped out from me too.

Girls have been released from the center, which is fine because I had been thinking the last 6 mo to pulling them because that place just isn't the same since a staff member was let go. (And I know several other current parents who feel the same!) I just wish some of the former parents we know would have shared their stories as to why they pulled their kids before now so that I would of known it wasn't just me!

*according to this staff member, it was not her friends/employer in which she contacted. Is it the truth, we will never know.

It feels good

I have started to cleanse my soul. I am telling the truth at last as to what my last 7 months have been like. It feels like it was full of lies and deception and I am done with that.

The person who broke my heart should never of had the control over me she did. I let her and I am mad at myself more than anything. She did provide me love, care and support, but I let it mean more than I should have. My mental break down was because of me. My issues that I was ignoring with B, my chemical imbalance, and the hormones that were out of control due to female probs. Her walking out when I needed her most hurt and only made my losing my mind worse. BUT it was not her fault and I know that.

I actually found support thru this in the most unlikely place. The one person I never thought actually stepped up and offered to listen. If it wasn't for her, I really don't think I would be writing this. I think knowing that although I am nuts and have hurt her, she was willing to listen and talk me thru this meant more than anything.

On Thursday, as I was sitting at home I decided I really couldn't do this. I started to write letters. One for each person in my family, one to my best friend from high school, one to the one that broke my heart, and one to this unsuspecting angel. I needed to make peace before I left. But as I wrote and talked with this person, I realized that I do deserve to live. That I may have messed up, but it wasn't worth leaving those that I care about.

You have to know what I went thru tho before I got to this point. I have known B for almost 12 years and for those 12 years it has been a battle. I cared for him so much that I was willing to look past the flaws, because that is what you are suppose to do. No one is perfect, and I definitely am not. But there have been times that really tested my feelings for him. There was the constant being late or not caring enough to spend time with me. There were 3 incidents where I really should have just walked away, but the last 2 was harder because we had the girls. And the most important fact is that he doesn't know how to be here for me emotionally, and that is what I need the most.

Fast forward to Sept 08. We had just had the last incident and I was scared and confused. My love died, but I was scared to move on because his dad will make me out to be the crazy one and I will lose my girls. I started to open up to "the one" and it felt good to get out some of my thoughts. She supported me telling me that it was ok I felt that way. She also started opening up to me. Sharing her past. Sharing how she felt used and hurt by someone close to her here recently. It was nice to have someone that supported me and I could support them. I couldn't believe how happy this one person made me. She started to share that she felt the same.

She would come over and complain about what was going on at work, or what happened before I came into the picture. I tried to be objective and tell her that even though that person hurt her she still cared for her. That it is the ones we love and care for that hurt us the most, but you still care for them. You have to forgive them because we don't mean to, but when you are comfortable around them you let down your guard and forget that they may take things personal. I tried to share what was going on with the other person, but it ended up as me being the one trying to attack her and hurt her.

We had talked about getting an apartment together. I told her I would love to, but I needed to have some things in line before I left. I started to find ways to get bills paid off, I even looked into bankruptcy. I found a second job to try and start to put away some money so that we could make it. BUT at one point we had a conversation about divorce. I admitted I did not get married just to get divorced. That I never thought I would, but sometimes it has to be done. But it is hard to because there is more than just 2 people involved. And the fact that I was worried about my FIL making my life hell. After that conversation, we both stopped talking about moving in. I was thinking about it all the time, but I was trying to not get my hopes up.

At some point thru all this, I became dependent on her. I also became jealous. Here she was coming to me, venting about how bad it was, and then in the next breathe say how much fun she had that day. I hardly ever saw the fun side ( I know poor me). Then my time with her started to dwindle. I started to panic. She meant SO MUCH to me. I started to wonder what I did wrong. (I know now that it she thought I was using her)

I was to go back home with her to West Virginia for a mini vacation. HOW FREAKING AWESOME!!! But unfortunately it came at a time that we were struggling. I told her my fears, but we both said that we should try it. I was so stinkin excited. Until that Sat morning. I awoke before her so I used my phone to play on the internet. Checked out myspace and it said that friends had updates. Cool something to pass the time. Well I died that morning. There was a blog that I know was partially about me and how I used this person. I tried to keep myself together but the tears came. She woke up and asked what was wrong. Instead of admitting I said nothing. We got ready for the day. I was ready to spend the morning by myself thinking I could get out and walk around town. Oh no that wasn't happening because I couldn't leave the apartment unlocked. I was doing ok even tho I was thinking about that blog. Then I got a call from B asking me what the hell the problem was and why I missed them already when it hadn't even been a day. I started crying more. Here I was, 6 hours from home, feeling like I wasn't even wanted. I cried and slept and then when I woke I started to have a panic attack. Instead of telling her, I asked when she would be home. She told me she was at her mom's store and would bring me some food. I said never mind. Well we ended up fighting big time because I couldnt admit what I was feeling. I was scared, alone, and felt like I had made the biggest mistake ever. We made it thru the rest of the weekend ok. It was WONDERFUL at her dad's. And I didn't even mind that she took off 4-wheeling because I wasn't stuck in an apartment. On the way home I asked if she regretted taking me and she said no, just Sat morning. I told her I did too.

After that though it seemed like both of us were walking on eggshells and neither one of us could say anything right. We both would take things personal that should never have been. Then one day she quit talking to me completely. I died. I had messed up so bad that she hated me. I tried to text some thru out the day in hopes that she would open up just a little. Then I lost my mind completely. Blaming her, saying sorry. I tried to do normal convo too, saying I bet her legs were hurting because of the rain. I tried to include how the girls were doing, but nothing. Instead of stopping like I knew and said I would I went crazy. The person I loved and cared for left me when I needed her. Because of me she even changed her number. I died even more. I was such a mess up. I was wrong and did text her mom on Thursday that if I succeeded in hurting myself it was because of a broken heart. At that time I was still thinking it was because of that. But I know now that it was because of my self hating that I was going to do it.

I have started to pour my heart out to my angel, and prob shouldn't have. I don't want her to hurt more, but I feel that she deserves the whole truth. So much has been hidden or stretched and it's not fair.

Hhmmm

Well now that I broad casted my mental breakdown, I should update you all. I am on new medication that will hopefully manage both my anxiety and depression. I also bought myself some counseling, which I knew was coming. It will be a good thing for I will have a neutral sounding board for all my thoughts. Thank you for all the love and support!

E is still having some attitude. I'm sure it is because she knows that momma is having some issues. She brought home a couple books from the library on Monday. On the way home she told me that the illustrator did a beautiful job. I was like what did you just say!?!

A is toddling around by herself 80% of the time. It is so stinkin cute to watch her. She has mastered the bend, pick up, stand up and take off! She seems to have settled into the Tiny Tots and is really only clingy when I drop off.

XOXO

Numb

that is the best way to describe what I am feeling. I don't know whether to laugh, cry, smile or just put my head down on my desk and hide.

I don't know what to do any more. Should I try switching meds? Should I start going to counseling again? Should I just pretend the last 7 months never happened?

SIGH

End of The Rope

I have mentioned before that I have a chemical imbalance. I am the first one to admit I need meds. But when you are as depressed as I am, they don't seem to work as well as they should. I am a very emotional person. I try to be strong and not let my emotions show, but on the inside I die when I feel like I have messed up. And I have messed up big time. Not only my life but everyone in it. B because I haven't been the wife I should be because I am not sure of my feelings. E because her attitude and personality is spot on with what mine is. I do not want her to have to go thru what I do. A because I shouldn't have brought another child into the world knowing that I am not stable. And last but not least, the one person who needed me to be strong I hurt by becoming dependent on her. She made me happy. She cared about my feelings and emotions and wanted to help me anyway she could. At some point though I became possessive and wanted her for me. I was hurt when she would change plans on me or she would talk to someone that had hurt her physically and emotionally. And what did I do but hurt her emotionally.

I haven't been sleeping so I bought some Tylenol PM (TPM) last week. Well I also had a mini-break down at work one day and my doctor gave me nerve pills to help calm me also. The TPM helps me sleep to a point and the nerve pill helps me with the shakes and irrational thoughts. However I hit an all time low yesterday. To help me deal with loosing this friend I wanted some answers as to why she hates me so bad she can't even talk to me. At one point, she threatened to call the police for harassment. I lost it. The one person who I could talk to nonstop was saying I was harassing her. Add in the fact that I have screwed up every one's lives I was ready to just give up. I sat and stared at my bottle of TPM and even went as far as to pour a handful and said goodbye to the ones I love. As I sat there crying I realized that if I did that I would never see my girls again so I slowly poured them back into the bottle; took out a nerve pill and went to sleep.

I have to admit sometimes I still think the easy way out would be the answer. I still feel like a failure. I still feel lost. I know there are people who love me, but when you hit this low sometimes that is not enough. I just want to be whole again. I hate feeling like this.

Out of the mouths of babes

Each day I tell myself I will be ok.

That is until E asks me when the friend can take her home or we can go to her house again. Yesterday morning on the way in she started in about how she never gets to see her and misses her. I told her I understand and that she will just have to give extra hugs when she sees her at the daycare. I did text the friend and asked her to try and see E cause she is having a hard time too.

Well today on they way in E told me that she got to see her TWO TIMES yesterday and hug her. Now when can we go to her house again?? It's not fair cause ******* (a girl in her class) goes all the time now. I just said that the friend is really busy right now and she's watching ******** that's why she's there. OH mommy. But why can't we go too?? You miss her and I miss her and A misses her too. You are sad and cry mommy cause you miss her so much. I sorta didn't have a response to that one.

*SIGH*

Update on the girls . . .

A is adjusting to being in the Tiny Tot's room, shes becoming more vocal too. She has been a little clingy there and at home this week, but I am sure that it is because of the change. But in a week, 2 of her friends from the nursery come down and then a couple weeks after that (on the 6th which was her original move date) another 1 comes down too. She is so tiny compared to the others down there right now.

E is testing the limit on her mouth and is finishing up a week of grounding. Along with the mouth she has been writing on walls, painting dad's car windows and mirrors with sunscreen, and walking out the door with out asking or telling someone.

XOXO

Questions

some unanswered questions ....

When and how did I use her? If I was using, would I take vacation days so I could take to doctors or EGD? Or leave work to go to doctors? Or sit in the ER for hours on end?

Why does it matter to me that someone else thinks I used her?

Why does it bother me that I am being ignored? or Why is silence the worst criticism?

Why do I feel empty?

I may add more later when I can remember them. I should of written them down as I laid awake in bed last night.

yeah coming up with titles SUCK

As you probably have noticed, I've done alot more than once a week and that all the news is a day behind. It is nice to be able to just type out some of my thoughts, sort of healing in a way.

E had swimming yesterday and let me tell you, that is all the girl talked about from the moment of pick up!

A had a rougher day downstairs. She wanted to be held and was fussy. I talked with the director and I will talk with the teacher to see what she thinks. If she's not ready then we may work out an alternative pick up from the nursery since emotions are still raw.

I still feel lost, but each day is getting better. One of my closest friends not talking to me just makes me die. I give 110% to those that I care for and to know that I have to sit back and do nothing KILLS me. I just want to make sure she is ok.

Reminders

I was able to talk with J yesterday, the Deacon at work. He reminded me that I was and still am a strong person and that I need to find her. So I am working towards that with some reflection. He also reminded me that God does not give us what we can not handle, and He will help us thru it. And of course the old adage, you must let go the ones we love, and if they return it was meant to be. It still hurts, but I know what I must do. I was having a hard time because for 7 months we talked non-stop from sharing our thoughts and feelings to everyday stuff. Then there was silence. But I will take this silence and focus on my girls and me and hope that it is what the marriage needs. I attempted to talk to B last night lets see if he finally understands. If not I will have my answer as to the next move.

A had a great day down in the Tiny Tots. Loved exploring all the big things and was wore out by the time I picked her up (meaning fussy!). I expected that tho because they move a whole lot more downstairs then up in the nursery.

E was a little disappointed they didn't make it to the library. It is a walking field trip and the threat of rain was too great. Of course, it didn't rain all morning ... poor kids

monday rambles

I have so much on my mind and need to talk, but the one person I need to talk to is refusing to talk to me. I am not use to being shut out, it hurts. I want everything resolved because I can't go on this way.
I know, I know, time is the answer. But darn it does anyone have a time machine so I can fast forward a little???

Time Marches On

Things have been crazy the last few days. Because of hurt feelings and a WHOLE lot of drama, A is being moved from the nursery as of Monday. I really hope that means our lives can settle down some because my heart can't handle any more hurt.

E is super excited about the upcoming summer at daycare. Mondays are Library day, which for those of you who know her, is a DREAM come true. Tuesdays are swim lesson days, and I think she may be more excited about this than the library. She even had me get her hair cut cause it will be easier for swimming mom!

A has had a rough week. To the doctor twice, and both times nothing wrong. She is getting all 4 of her 1 year molars in so she has loose stools (which daycare thought was diarrhea) and the 2nd time there was a mysterious rash that appeared then disappeared. Needless to say, we have an assigned room now at the doctor office. I thought we may be heading to the ER for an admission last night because she spiked a 103.3 fever. The health care worker in me dosed her with some Motrin and monitored her all night.

As for me, well I'm surviving. I need to talk to the one pastor at work and see if I can sit down and talk with him. There is something about him that just brings peace and right now that is what I need the most. The second job hasn't had any patients the last 2 weekends so I haven't been working there, which means a lil stress on the money front. But we will survive and time marches on

Everyone Has An Agenda

Everyone has an agenda. Maybe

it will help if you remember that.

to better understand a person

involves being aware of the depth

of their needs. People are like clocks.

And here's the interesting part of it;

You can look them in the face and

get an idea of what's going on at

the time, but the essential thing is

figuring out what makes them tick.

~ Douglas Pagels ~

Hurting

Why does it seem like when you give your heart to someone, even just a friend, it gets ripped to shreds???

Yeah you guessed right, my heart has been broken by a friend ... well ex-friend now I guess. I would of done anything for this person, she was like a sister. I did do anything, including jeopardizing my marriage because I wanted to be there for her. And now I am left with a big gaping hole.

Why does it have to be this way??? Why?

I am the first one to admit I'm not perfect and I know I did things wrong in this friendship. I apologized and tried to find a way to make it up. But when you are shut out, how can you make something right??

For those of you that don't know, I do have a chemical imbalance and will be on medicine the rest of my life. Well for 2 to 3 weeks I was taking a different manufacturer and for some reason it made me crazy. I mean like I literally could of jumped off a bridge and could care less crazy. I finally received my 90 day supply and it was a different manufacturer again and within 2 days I was feeling like the old me. I tried to explain this to the friend and I don't know if she ever really understood how sorry I was for my actions during that time.

This is why it hurts. Because this person was someone I felt that knew me and cared for me no matter what, and it turns out I was being judged and a score card kept. Maybe I am wrong, but this is what it seems like from my side.

Here we go

I am creating this blog to do 1 of 2 things ... share the happenings of our lives and to share my dirty lil secrets. Of course I can't promise you that you will think they are dirty. More than likely, they will be just my thoughts since I decided to close down my Myspace page!

My goal is to publish something once a week at the minimum, but we will see what time allows

Sit back and enjoy the ride.

OH and a BIG THANK YOU to Lore'uh for the title suggestion! *smooches and a hair pull*