Saturday, June 20, 2009

It feels good

I have started to cleanse my soul. I am telling the truth at last as to what my last 7 months have been like. It feels like it was full of lies and deception and I am done with that.

The person who broke my heart should never of had the control over me she did. I let her and I am mad at myself more than anything. She did provide me love, care and support, but I let it mean more than I should have. My mental break down was because of me. My issues that I was ignoring with B, my chemical imbalance, and the hormones that were out of control due to female probs. Her walking out when I needed her most hurt and only made my losing my mind worse. BUT it was not her fault and I know that.

I actually found support thru this in the most unlikely place. The one person I never thought actually stepped up and offered to listen. If it wasn't for her, I really don't think I would be writing this. I think knowing that although I am nuts and have hurt her, she was willing to listen and talk me thru this meant more than anything.

On Thursday, as I was sitting at home I decided I really couldn't do this. I started to write letters. One for each person in my family, one to my best friend from high school, one to the one that broke my heart, and one to this unsuspecting angel. I needed to make peace before I left. But as I wrote and talked with this person, I realized that I do deserve to live. That I may have messed up, but it wasn't worth leaving those that I care about.

You have to know what I went thru tho before I got to this point. I have known B for almost 12 years and for those 12 years it has been a battle. I cared for him so much that I was willing to look past the flaws, because that is what you are suppose to do. No one is perfect, and I definitely am not. But there have been times that really tested my feelings for him. There was the constant being late or not caring enough to spend time with me. There were 3 incidents where I really should have just walked away, but the last 2 was harder because we had the girls. And the most important fact is that he doesn't know how to be here for me emotionally, and that is what I need the most.

Fast forward to Sept 08. We had just had the last incident and I was scared and confused. My love died, but I was scared to move on because his dad will make me out to be the crazy one and I will lose my girls. I started to open up to "the one" and it felt good to get out some of my thoughts. She supported me telling me that it was ok I felt that way. She also started opening up to me. Sharing her past. Sharing how she felt used and hurt by someone close to her here recently. It was nice to have someone that supported me and I could support them. I couldn't believe how happy this one person made me. She started to share that she felt the same.

She would come over and complain about what was going on at work, or what happened before I came into the picture. I tried to be objective and tell her that even though that person hurt her she still cared for her. That it is the ones we love and care for that hurt us the most, but you still care for them. You have to forgive them because we don't mean to, but when you are comfortable around them you let down your guard and forget that they may take things personal. I tried to share what was going on with the other person, but it ended up as me being the one trying to attack her and hurt her.

We had talked about getting an apartment together. I told her I would love to, but I needed to have some things in line before I left. I started to find ways to get bills paid off, I even looked into bankruptcy. I found a second job to try and start to put away some money so that we could make it. BUT at one point we had a conversation about divorce. I admitted I did not get married just to get divorced. That I never thought I would, but sometimes it has to be done. But it is hard to because there is more than just 2 people involved. And the fact that I was worried about my FIL making my life hell. After that conversation, we both stopped talking about moving in. I was thinking about it all the time, but I was trying to not get my hopes up.

At some point thru all this, I became dependent on her. I also became jealous. Here she was coming to me, venting about how bad it was, and then in the next breathe say how much fun she had that day. I hardly ever saw the fun side ( I know poor me). Then my time with her started to dwindle. I started to panic. She meant SO MUCH to me. I started to wonder what I did wrong. (I know now that it she thought I was using her)

I was to go back home with her to West Virginia for a mini vacation. HOW FREAKING AWESOME!!! But unfortunately it came at a time that we were struggling. I told her my fears, but we both said that we should try it. I was so stinkin excited. Until that Sat morning. I awoke before her so I used my phone to play on the internet. Checked out myspace and it said that friends had updates. Cool something to pass the time. Well I died that morning. There was a blog that I know was partially about me and how I used this person. I tried to keep myself together but the tears came. She woke up and asked what was wrong. Instead of admitting I said nothing. We got ready for the day. I was ready to spend the morning by myself thinking I could get out and walk around town. Oh no that wasn't happening because I couldn't leave the apartment unlocked. I was doing ok even tho I was thinking about that blog. Then I got a call from B asking me what the hell the problem was and why I missed them already when it hadn't even been a day. I started crying more. Here I was, 6 hours from home, feeling like I wasn't even wanted. I cried and slept and then when I woke I started to have a panic attack. Instead of telling her, I asked when she would be home. She told me she was at her mom's store and would bring me some food. I said never mind. Well we ended up fighting big time because I couldnt admit what I was feeling. I was scared, alone, and felt like I had made the biggest mistake ever. We made it thru the rest of the weekend ok. It was WONDERFUL at her dad's. And I didn't even mind that she took off 4-wheeling because I wasn't stuck in an apartment. On the way home I asked if she regretted taking me and she said no, just Sat morning. I told her I did too.

After that though it seemed like both of us were walking on eggshells and neither one of us could say anything right. We both would take things personal that should never have been. Then one day she quit talking to me completely. I died. I had messed up so bad that she hated me. I tried to text some thru out the day in hopes that she would open up just a little. Then I lost my mind completely. Blaming her, saying sorry. I tried to do normal convo too, saying I bet her legs were hurting because of the rain. I tried to include how the girls were doing, but nothing. Instead of stopping like I knew and said I would I went crazy. The person I loved and cared for left me when I needed her. Because of me she even changed her number. I died even more. I was such a mess up. I was wrong and did text her mom on Thursday that if I succeeded in hurting myself it was because of a broken heart. At that time I was still thinking it was because of that. But I know now that it was because of my self hating that I was going to do it.

I have started to pour my heart out to my angel, and prob shouldn't have. I don't want her to hurt more, but I feel that she deserves the whole truth. So much has been hidden or stretched and it's not fair.

No comments: