Sunday, June 14, 2009

End of The Rope

I have mentioned before that I have a chemical imbalance. I am the first one to admit I need meds. But when you are as depressed as I am, they don't seem to work as well as they should. I am a very emotional person. I try to be strong and not let my emotions show, but on the inside I die when I feel like I have messed up. And I have messed up big time. Not only my life but everyone in it. B because I haven't been the wife I should be because I am not sure of my feelings. E because her attitude and personality is spot on with what mine is. I do not want her to have to go thru what I do. A because I shouldn't have brought another child into the world knowing that I am not stable. And last but not least, the one person who needed me to be strong I hurt by becoming dependent on her. She made me happy. She cared about my feelings and emotions and wanted to help me anyway she could. At some point though I became possessive and wanted her for me. I was hurt when she would change plans on me or she would talk to someone that had hurt her physically and emotionally. And what did I do but hurt her emotionally.

I haven't been sleeping so I bought some Tylenol PM (TPM) last week. Well I also had a mini-break down at work one day and my doctor gave me nerve pills to help calm me also. The TPM helps me sleep to a point and the nerve pill helps me with the shakes and irrational thoughts. However I hit an all time low yesterday. To help me deal with loosing this friend I wanted some answers as to why she hates me so bad she can't even talk to me. At one point, she threatened to call the police for harassment. I lost it. The one person who I could talk to nonstop was saying I was harassing her. Add in the fact that I have screwed up every one's lives I was ready to just give up. I sat and stared at my bottle of TPM and even went as far as to pour a handful and said goodbye to the ones I love. As I sat there crying I realized that if I did that I would never see my girls again so I slowly poured them back into the bottle; took out a nerve pill and went to sleep.

I have to admit sometimes I still think the easy way out would be the answer. I still feel like a failure. I still feel lost. I know there are people who love me, but when you hit this low sometimes that is not enough. I just want to be whole again. I hate feeling like this.

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