Sharing My Secret Indulgence

This morning when I opened my dashboard and saw that David over at The Rest is Still Unwritten had posted I clicked as fast as I could.  My little heart goes flippity flop when ever I see he has posted, not only because he is a cutie patootie but because he is a wonderful writer.  You can not help but relate to David as you read his posts - they are real life.  He does not censor his thoughts and feelings for the readers, however I have yet to be offended by what he writes.  When I am at his place, he transports me to where ever he may be - it is like I am right there experiencing it.

Today's post is no different.  His actual words in this post are minimal, but having read his previous posts, the few lines really grabbed my heart.

I hope you enjoy David as much as I do.

BTW - David has no clue I wrote this and I am sure as he sees traffic coming from here he will wonder who this crazy chick is.  You see, my obsession with his posts was a secret until now.  Sure I've commented a time or two over at TRISU but that is about it.  And warning to all of you who think if you follow someone, they should follow you - David is not that type (see this post).  David if you did stop by, thank you, I truly enjoy each and every one of your posts and am inspired by what you do.  I wish you a wonderful 2010!

Winter Pictures

Do not let HL over at Random Thoughts of a Restless Mind fool you for one moment.  This girl has some mad skilz!  Here are just a random sampling of what she did for me on our first day of snow!

I *heart* each and every one of them.

THANK YOU HEATHER!!!!!

Randomness

brought to you by the UnMom

One would think that being child free for a couple nights would mean that I would be well rested, well they would be wrong! I slept like poop last night – tossed and turned worse than if Goose had climbed in during the middle of the night.


Our holidays were busy, but super nice. I was dreading the four days of togetherness, but in reality it was not all that bad. The Michigan trip went better than expected – I didn’t even have to drink or drug myself :o)

Did you know that in order to use the Wii Fit, you must own the console to play it. Yeah, I knew that, but my FIL didn’t. We ended up taking our Christmas money from him to buy a console. Good bye new panties and socks *sniff*

I still have lots on my mind, and don’t really know what to think about some things, but I am not going to over analyze them. I am going to approach it like I am walking on ice – trying to avoid the weak areas so I don’t fall in.

I thought I had gained bunches of weight this season, but lo and behold, I have not gained an ounce!!!

I’m trying to give up Mt Dew – yeah not working so well. And I refuse to do Diet Dew – blech

I should be working but I have no motivation to do so. I have to look at Monday’s cases and make sure that all is ready since we are closed Thursday & Friday.  BUT I did do my dreaded stats yesterday, so those are not staring me in the face :o)

Because of the Wii purchase, the husband finally had the motivation to help me rearrange the upstairs.  The girls are now sharing a room and we do not have to worry about our voices traveling upstairs when Ducky is taking a nap.

Turning the Page

res⋅o⋅lu⋅tion  [rez-uh-loo-shuhn] –noun

1. a formal expression of opinion or intention made, usually after voting, by a formal organization, a legislature, a club, or other group. Compare concurrent resolution, joint resolution.

2. a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.

3. the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.

4. the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

5. the act or process of resolving or separating into constituent or elementary parts.

6. the resulting state.

7. Optics. the act, process, or capability of distinguishing between two separate but adjacent objects or sources of light or between two nearly equal wavelengths. Compare resolving power.

8. a solution, accommodation, or settling of a problem, controversy, etc.

9. Music. a) the progression of a voice part or of the harmony as a whole from a dissonance to a consonance.  b) the tone or chord to which a dissonance is resolved.

10. reduction to a simpler form; conversion.

11. Medicine/Medical. the reduction or disappearance of a swelling or inflammation without suppuration.

12. the degree of sharpness of a computer-generated image as measured by the number of dots per linear inch in a hard-copy printout or the number of pixels across and down on a display screen.

 
Definition courtesy of dictionary.reference.com

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With the New Year literally days away, I have been doing lots of thinking about this little word. It is amazing how it can really shape ones life.  We set New Years resolutions, that tend to be broken with in a month. We seek resolution to problems in our lives.  We want the best resolution for our computers.  I could go on and on about resolution, but I am sure you do not really want to hear that babble.

 

In all this thinking I have resolved to let the past go (again) and look to the future.  Things are not as bad as you first think.  I am resolving to think before reacting - oh how that had hurt me in the past.  With these things in mind, I am gaining resolution to the last year.  I am turning the page and closing that chapter in my life.  It is what I had been seeking all along, but a few paragraphs kept holding me back.  They were fuzzy and hard to read, some of the words were completely missing.  But with looking forward, I was able to fill in those spots - granted they may not be written the way it was originally intended, but it is close enough that I can move on in this book of life.

Miss

Is it a sign of addiction if you have posts scheduled to go up as you are jetting around in a whirlwind of holiday festivities??? Yeah, I thought so!  I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas day,

********************************

I am in love.   Seriously, if I could take the little bagger boy home with me I would and then be his Cougar.

It had been a long day and I needed to run to the store to gather all the necessary ingredients for some holiday dish I volunteered to make.  Adorned in frumpy scrubs, a too large winter jacket that advertises the hospital I work for, a pretty rainbow striped scarf, and hair pulled back in a oh-so fashionable nest.  (I sound like a beauty queen don't I!)  I run through the store picking up this or that.  In and out in 10 min flat!  Well as the bagger is finishing loading up the 50th item, I hear the oh so sweet words "Would you like help with that Miss?"  I paused and savored that moment then said "No dear, you stay in where it is warm." *it was tempting, but the urge to shove him in the van and take him home was too great.*

I can not remember the last time I was called Miss.  I have slipped into the Ma'am world quicker than you can spell Mississippi and to be called Miss just made me feel giddy inside.  Especially since I was definitely styling that night.  This will be ranked up there in my fond memories - right along with the time I was carded last year!

Santa Came, Santa Came a day early!

I had to run out to Super Wal-Mart to pick up stuff to make an Artichoke Bread Bowl dip today.  Yeah, I was dreading this trip since I was lugging around the girls also, but I was quite surprised at how nice everyone was.  The spirit of Christmas was definitely in the air!!! :o)

I had just unloaded the van of sleeping children and groceries, when what should I hear - was that tinkling sleigh bells?? (OK, it was the Ding-Dong of the door bell, but I could wish couldn't I?)  I ran to the door to see whom may greet me and what should I find but some guy dressed in BROWN walking away from my door step heading to an even browner truck- huh??  I peered around trying to see what the clatter was all about and then I spied this little box

Oh my, could it be??  Could my much anticipated dreams come true and they were notifying me I had won Publishers Clearing House in a new way!!  I snatched up the sweet little box and ran indoors.  I was like a kid in a candy store (or me in Starbucks!).  I ever so gently slice the tape holding this treasure together.  This is it, this is the moment - I hold my breathe as I slide open the box.

to find this beauty awaiting me.  What?? You don't know what it is - geesh it is my way of leaving a trail so I can find my way home - oh wait no that's not it.

YAY!!!!!! My winnings from the give away Holly over at  had finally arrived - and it is a BEAUTY!!

Thank you so much Holly for such a wonderful giveaway.  I am in love with it already!

And it was SO much fun thinking Santa came early, just for ME!!  Now I am off to make some yummy dip and other assorted dishes for the next two days!

XO
MJ

PS - yes I know that certain numbers and words are visible on the pictures - it is in hopes that someone will come take me away visit me ;o)

Recipe for Christmas All Year Long

Take a heap of child-like wonder

That opens up our eyes

To the unexpected gifts in life—

Each day a sweet surprise.

Mix in fond appreciation

For the people whom we know;

Like festive Christmas candles,

Each one has a special glow.

Add some giggles and some laughter,

A dash of Christmas food,

(Amazing how a piece of pie

Improves our attitude!)

Stir it all with human kindness;

Wrap it up in love and peace,

Decorate with optimism, and

Our joy will never cease.

If we use this healthy recipe,

We know we will remember

To be in the Christmas spirit,

Even when it's not December.

-By Joanna Fuchs

 

MERRY CRISTMAS EVERYONE!!! 

The next few days will be a whirlwind of travels, so I don't know how much I will be around (that is funny stuff right there, me not around is like saying I don't like carbs!)  Keep me in your thoughts as I have to face the FIL this Saturday - I just love traveling 3.5 hours to MI to be ignored.  *insert rolly eyes here* 

Eclectic Taste

To show case my eclectic taste in music I thought I would share with you the group I am listening to this week ;o)  *advisory: some of their songs do have swear words*

12 Days of Christmas

I {heart} a-cappella and this would be why ....


I'm trying to not do too much thinking right now - just focusing on Christmas and my girls.  I will face my demons this weekend or next year ;o) 

Thank You & Heaven's Gift

Thank you to everyone who read and commented on my post yesterday.  Today I woke up better - not perfect, but better.  The tears WERE healing.  I know that my journey is not over and that there will be more bumps & trials - which of course will result in more tears.  (I never was one to take it like a man)  I will get through this, with a little help from my friends (yes corny I know)
I really do appreciate each and every one of you.

***************************************

Heaven's Gift

Heaven's gift has come to man.

Mortal fate rests within tiny hallowed hands.

Shepherds singing, a shining star,

Angels proclaiming, Kings with gifts from afar.

A scene of serene glory,

The weight of a holy hush,

The meaning of heaven's story,

'Twas God's first CHRISTmas gift to us.

Who would recall the power of that day,

At the time when He was led away,

Bearing a crown, a robe, and fateful wounds?

Was He not the gift from heaven's womb?

Shall we turn from that Holy day

And walk away unchanged?

Will we allow it to envelope our souls

Only to let it slowly slip away?

Through plastic, tinsel, parties and gifts,

Shopping, planning, and Christmas lights lit,

Can the simple gift be heard or seen,

Or does it quietly fade behind holiday sheen?

Let us not forget that He loves us so.

He loves us too much to let us go.

He sent a plan with His sacrifice

To forgive and cleanse and give us life.

Embrace the greatest gift of all;

Don't let your sense of the manger wane.

The gift of heaven is yours to receive.

It was the true reason He came.

-by Sandra A. Popp

can not stop

Since meeting HL yesterday I have been doing ssooo much thinking and reflecting on the past  year.  I have made SO many mistakes and hurt so many people ~ not intentionally as everyone thinks I did, but it happened.  (after re-reading this NO HL did not cause me to cry or think or reflect, it just worked out that way)

I can not get past the fact that I hurt people.  I am one that hates hurting, and never really wants to see anyone else hurt.  But because of my selfishness and downward spiral I tried to pull others down with me.  How could I do that??   WHY would I do that???

Then I start to think about other things.  How can someone say they care, then just walk out of your life like you mean nothing to them?  Why was I chosen to go through this crap?  Am I going to survive this or is my mask of confidence going to crack any second??  (well der, the mask must have broke if I'm crying, or maybe it is just trying to wash itself off)

Ebay is pulling it's usual tricks - Let them know what we think

I had this post ready to go, then forgot to hit post because I was given the chance to go meet HeatherLynn of Random Thoughts of a Restless Mind a little earlier in the day than planned.  Let me tell you all, she is super WONDERFUL and a cutie patootie.  And of course she got a taste of me in all my frumpy glory.
------------------
Supah UPDATE :


EBAY HAS JUST WAIVED ALL FEES !!


WE DID IT !!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!

NOW PRAY FOR JADEN! XOXOXOX


Supahmommy needs our help!!!  A IRL friend of hers has a 2 yr that is fighting stage 4 cancer and Supah held an online auction through Ebay to help them with funds in this trying time.  The following is Supah's plea of help from us ....


Dear Friends :

If you don't know about Jaden, I need you to know now. His family and I are in dire straights for your help. I held an auction for his benefit. Many of you helped! Ebay hosted it. They promised to waive all fees. I have documentation.

Ebay is now reneging on it's offer to WAIVE all of Jaden's Fees for the online auction I held. There are $453.70 worth of fees Ebay may no longer waive. They have agreed to waive an initial $50.00 and the rest has to be 'SUMBITTED FOR APPROVAL." I have wasted countless hours... waiting for confirmation of what was promised to me, BY THREE DIFFERENT EBAY REPRESENTATIVES including a supervisor. I have copies of all of the chats. Despite this, I was told tonight that not only am I WRONG, all THREE reps were wrong also. This family needs this money. $450.00 may be peanuts to Ebay but to this family it is a car payment. It pays for Jaden's co pays. It is needed. Point blank.

I would never have hosted the auction on Ebay if they hadn't agreed to waive the fees.

Here's what I need you to do.

I NEED help broadcasting this story EVERYWHERE. I am not waiting to be told NO... 2 weeks from now. I want everyone to PUSH for these fees to be waived.


1. PUT THIS STORY ON YOUR BLOG- link it to this page please! Here's the tiny url. http://tinyurl.com/ydrmqwp

2. TWITTER ABOUT IT- link it to this page.  http://tinyurl.com/ydrmqwp

Sign up to follow me on Twitter: supahmommy

I will be tweeting HOW TO HELP via twitter ASAP.

These are news media organizations : you can RETWEET to.
NBC @nbcnews
CBS news @cbsnews
CNN @cnn (stats), @cnnbrk (stats), @CNNNewsroom (stats)
Fox News @foxnews (stats)
Abc NEWS: @abc
@andersoncooper




3. FACEBOOK ABOUT IT- link it to this page.  http://tinyurl.com/ydrmqwp

4. EMAIL (there is a suggestion letter) please include ALL emails i have listed below
   a. the first is just basic help
   b. the second is executive department
   c. President EBAY NORTH America

cswebhelp@ebay.com
exec.relations@ebay.com
billcobb@ebay.com

Attn: Billing Dept, Executive Department , President Ebay North America

Re : seller account sperry_wvu

Chat Session Number: 20866560


To Whom It May Concern,

I am appalled to hear that Ebay is not honoring their promise to waive all fees for a charity auction benefiting a little boy named Jaden Duttine. Jaden is two years old and is sick with stage 4 cancer. It would behoove Ebay's image to approve the reversal of all fees on this sellers account as promised and documented. This family is in dire need of the $453.70 in fees that Ebay might possibly take out of their pocket.

( your name)



5. WRITE A LETTER if you prefer.

Jeffrey D. Jordan
President Ebay INC.
2145 Hamilton Avenue
San Jose, CA 95125

Re : seller account sperry_wvu
Chat Session Number: 20866560

6. CALL: The numbers are real.

President North America
Bill Cobb
( Receptionist) 801- 545 - 2276

Hani Durzy Media Relations Ebay
408-376 7458

Re : seller account sperry_wvu
Chat Session Number: 20866560



I have contacted ALL media news outlets and will continue to .
I need your help please. Thank you !
Supah

Faithful Friday - Sins

Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.  James 4:17, NLT

We tend to think that doing wrong is sin. But James tells us that sin is also not doing right. (These two kinds of sin are sometimes called sins of commission and sins of omission.) It is a sin to lie; it can also be a sin to know the truth and not tell it. It is a sin to speak evil of someone; it is also a sin to avoid him or her when you know he or she needs your friendship. We should be willing to help as the Holy Spirit guides us.

Coughs, Tears, & Hhmmm

Goose is up with a coughing attack and I am waiting on our version of "liquid gold" (Phenergen with Codeine) to kick in so both of us can get some sleep.  This is the second night in a row that we have been up because of this and I am debating when to break down & take both girls to the doctors.  Yep, that's right Ducky is battling a cold also and I am pretty sure she has a bilat ear infection also.  (makes you want to be me right now doesn't it)

Because of the extra time awake, I have been thinking lots.  This is not a good thing because what I have been thinking about brings tears.  I miss my friend.  I shouldn't, but I do.  She has made it blatenly obvious she wants nothing to do with me, but I still miss the closeness and support.  I wrote about how losing your best friend felt to me back in November.  It really does suck because this person was able to complete my thoughts without me even being able to.  She also was able to tell what I was thinking and feeling just by looking at me.  *sigh*  What is even more sad, is that if she would call me and needed something, I would be there in a heartbeat.  I doubt if she would do the same for me, but I would for her without hesitation. 

What do you do when you feel lost??  With everything else that is going on, I need an IRL person that can be MY shoulder.  I think that next year is going to be harder than this one for many reasons.  I made up my mind about something and I am ready to follow through with it.  (Not that I don't {heart} all my bloggy friends, it's just that I am really going to need someone beside me.

Hopes, Wishes & the Holiday Season

At this time of the year we often declare our wants to our family and friends.  However the Starbucks' Red Cups are offering a different way to look at the holiday season.  Back in Nov. when I read my first grande red cup, I thought how perfect is this sentiment ~ it is something that everyone can identify with.

'We invite you to listen to your desires and to renew your HOPE.  To see the world not as it is, but as it could be.  Go ahead and WISH.  It's what makes the holidays the holidays.'

So, what are YOUR hopes & wishes this holiday season??

Here are two songs that came to mind as I wrote out this post .....

Holiday Eating Tips

I thought this was too funny not to pass on!

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.



2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.   It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.  Have two.  It's later than you think. It's Christmas!



3. If something comes with gravy, use it.  That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.



4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk.  If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.


5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating.  The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free.  Lots of it. Hello?



6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.  You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.   This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.



7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.  Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.  If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.



8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat.  Have a slice of each.  Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.  Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?  FYI: if the mincemeat isn't any good, it's because there are no raisins in it.  Be sure to point this out to your host.



9. Did someone mention fruitcake?  Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.  I mean, have some standards.




10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.




HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Goose

Some of you have been around since I announced that Goose was going to be put into a special counseling program  at school.  If not, well due to my child's behaviors (total meltdowns, pushing/shoving, and tall-tales) they placed her in a county funded counseling program.  The counselor goes to the school every Monday afternoon and meets with kids identified as high risk.  do you know how hard it is to admit that my child is high risk!?  I know she's not perfect, but high risk :o( 

Today was the first time for me to actually have a chance to sit down and talk with the counselor.  Instead of being told a lot about Goose's progress, or lack there of, she asked me to tell her how Goose is at home and what all has been happening.  Me being me, tried to be very vague and not share too many details, but she managed to weasel things out of me.  She said that what I shared filled in a lot of missing pieces of things Goose had shared with her.  Like mommy's friend who she never gets to see and the classmates & teachers she misses.  Like going to the police station, the police coming to the house, and the ambulance taking me away.  This lady enforced what I already know, but am too afraid to do anything about. 

At the very end it was shared that Goose is making some progress, but not a lot.  She is going to continue to see the counselor and I am to meet with them regularly also.  I am praying for the strength to get through this and for Goose to be open to the changes that are sure to come.

Weekly Wisdom: gifts or Giver

Are you seeking the gifts or the Giver?

Sometimes we get so caught up in seeking God's presents that we forget all about His presence! God wants every believer to remain in His presence and have a personal relationship with Him just like you would with any other friend.

King David knew the importance of seeking God's presence and dwelling with Him. In Psalm 27:4, David writes, One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. David set himself to seek and require one thing--God's presence.

The next two verses (Psalm 27:5-6) tell us the rewards of seeking God: For in the day of trouble He will keep me safe in His dwelling; He will hide me in the shelter of His tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at His tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord.

The rewards of seeking God are awesome; not only will you develop a closer relationship with God, but you will also find true joy and contentment.

Psalm 16:11 says, You will fill me with joy in your presence. In other words, joy is found in God's presence--not His presents! Therefore, evaluate your life to make sure that you're seeking God, not just His gifts.

--------------------------------------------------------

Here is a little collage of the girls from our first of many Christmas gatherings

XOXO

MJ

Reflection

As I was reviewing some of my old stuff (is 7 months ago considered old?) I noticed a shift in how I write and what I share.  This blog started as a place to write down how I felt when I lost a wonderful friend due to stupidity and mis-communication.  After I had worked through that, I switched gears and started to share the oh, so boring daily life recount (sort of like a journal).  And on to today, where I became caught up in the blog carnivals and mindless posts (you know the ones were I just write blurbs about pretty much nothing at all)  As I was reading some of the newer stuff, I wondered why anyone would read them!

I had shared with a few of my readers that I was contemplating shutting down the blog completely. Many of the responses I received was take a break MJ and see if that’s what you really want. Honestly, leaving here is not what I want - I have gained several people that I really treasure in my life. (yes that includes you HeatherLynn) BUT, I do want to get back to being myself.


I will admit, somehow I got caught up in the lets see how many followers I have/gain. Truthfully, I liked it better when I had under 10 followers!!! I don’t know if it was the closeness I felt with them or knowing that they didn’t follow me just in hopes of me following them. (gasp, it does happen!!) Once I started gaining followers and awards I had “Blog Freeze.” I warned you all I was afraid it would happen, and well my prediction came true (well in my silly mind it did) Therefore, I did away with the follow widget. Who cares how many followers I have or whom they are?? If someone really wants to follow me, there is a way that Blogger has built into their Nav Bar at the top.

Also, I am super busy right now - just because I don’t comment doesn’t mean I don’t like you. I know life is busy for everyone right now with the Holidays and then those of us that work also have that. I do not expect comments either, so don’t feel as though you HAVE to leave one. (I want to know since when has the number of comments left reflected how well people like you [sort of like how many followers]???) YES, comments are nice, but once again, I UNDERSTAND if you can’t or don’t leave one!


I am actually trying to handwrite my posts before submitting them also. I have found that I relay my thoughts in a more concise manner if I do. (well it seems like it to me at least :o)  Because of this, there may be fewer posts [I better not hear any cheering!!] Of course, it could also lead to more because I have several pages started with ideas I would like to write on!

I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!


XO
MJ

Faithful Friday & Happy Hanukkah

And those who are rich should boast that God has humbled them. They will fade away like a little flower in the field. The hot sun rises and the grass withers; the little flower droops and falls, and its beauty fades away. In the same way, the rich will fade away with all of their achievements. James 1:10-11, NLT


If wealth, power, and status mean nothing to God, why do we attribute so much importance to them and so much honor to those who possess them? Do your material possessions give you goals and your only reason for living? If they were gone, what would be left?

What you have in your heart, not your bank account, matters to God and endures for eternity


This Song was on the radio when I pulled into work yesterday and then again when I left - once again a small sign for me?  Probably


 * * * * * * * * *
 
HAPPY HANUKKAH to ERIN over at The Mother Load and Lee of Headaches, Hotflashes & Hormones - and to all my other Jewish followers!!

Wordless Wednesday

This is what greeted me when I came home tonight - darn wind!!

*yes I know, we have leaves that needed cleaned up, they fell after we gathered all the rest and I was too busy and someone else just didn't want to do it!*

Ungratefulness

Oh my goodness, I have never seen such ungratefulness!!!  Today was our yearly Christmas meal at work (you can choose from Prime Rib, Turkey, Salmon, or Veggie Lasanga, plus sides) and I heard SEVERAL fellow employees whining about always having the same meal.  And in the next breath you hear, well we better not be getting luggage or a cooler for our gift this Friday. I did say to my office mates "I'm just glad to receive anything and to have a job."  Their response "Well won't you be upset if we don't get our bonus check?"  Nope, because I don't expect it.  They pay me a decent wage so why would I think I should receive more.

End rant.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Wednesday

Sometimes

I heard this the last couple days on the way into work - do you think He is trying to tell me something??

Sometimes
Written by Matt Brouwer

Sometimes I’m afraid of what I might not get to say
Sometimes I believe that everything is what it seems
And we’re just too scared to try
Do we have what it takes when hope and clarity melt away
To rise above our mistakes
If we don’t know any other way
And we’re just too scared to try
When it feels like there is nothing left
It feels like this is as good as it gets
It feels that way sometimes
So let’s take a second and catch our breath
And realize this isn’t over yet
It just feels that way sometimes
Sometimes there can be so much more beyond what we see
Sometimes I’m amazed how we see the world in different ways
And we’re just too scared to try
When it feels like there is nothing left
It feels like this is as good as it gets
It feels that way sometimes
So let’s take a second and catch our breath
And realize this isn’t over yet
It just feels that way sometimes
Sometimes I’m afraid of what I might not get to say
And we’re just too scared to try
Yeah we’re just too scared to try
When it feels like there is nothing left
It feels like this is as good as it gets
It feels that way sometimes
So let’s take a second and catch our breath
And realize this isn’t over yet
It just feels that way sometimes
So let’s take a second and catch our breath
And realize this isn’t over yet
It just feels that way sometimes

Cupcake Surprises

I'm depressed, and what does a plus size momma do when depressed - BAKE.  I pulled out my grandma's Cupcake Surprise "recipe" and went to town.  I don't know why because nothing sounds or tastes good, but alas they are done and it brought a smile to my face thinking about how Grandma would make these just for me growing up (or so she would say, that's the thing about grandma, she always has made each and everyone of us feel special)  These are so yummy, but I recommend making them as mini-cupcakes as they are rich.

Cupcake Surprise (grandma Mary's recipe)

1 box Chocolate Cake Mix - prepared according to directions and divided into cupcake pan(s) [I use Devil's Food]

1 8oz Cream Cheese - softened [I use the 1/3 fat kind just fine]
1/3 cup Granulated Sugar
dash of salt
6 ozs Chocolate Chips [I use about 1/2 cup of the mini when making mini-cupcakes]

Beat the first 3 ingredients then mix in the chips.
Dollop onto the middle of the cake batter. 
Bake according to the package.
Cool & Enjoy!

what to do

it is no secret that my marriage has it's up and downs, it is hard to believe that any marriage wouldn't have them.  But how to you survive them when you are done fighting for what you believe??  I use to think that with B I could do anything and that I could over look that we didn't have some of the things I desired.  But over the years, having someone beside me that can tear me down with just a few words or actions I have become broken.  I don't want this.  I want my girls to see a caring and loving relationship, not one full of bitterness and resentment.

As much as I just want to walk away from everyone and thing, I know that isn't feasible.  I could give you 100 reasons why it would be better for them, but I do know that in the long run we all would suffer if I did that.  I'm afraid of leaving because of my mental status, it is no secret that I attempted suicide back in June and that I still have several up and downs.  I doubt if any judge would allow me to have my girls.  I'm afraid of leaving because of the money also.  We struggle now, and I know that there is no way that the house payment would be able to be payed on just one income.  If my credit takes any more dings I am going to be on everyone's black list.  (house loan is in my name only because of B's credit)  I've looked into selling the house, but since we are married it has to be a joint agreement, and well he's not agreeing. 

I am thinking about either moving into the extra room down stairs or into Goose's room since she doesn't use it.  Only reason I would move into hers is because it is upstairs and allows me to hear both the girls.  Of course, that is why they created baby monitors I guess.

ARGGGGG

*sigh*

There is so much I want to post, but won't in fear of the retaliation when it is read.  I am full of why's and what now.  I am full of guilt for my decisions in the past.  I don't know what my next step should be - I don't think I can make it on my own, but things can not continue this way; not for the girls sake.  This is why I have said that it would be easier if I just disappeared.  Yes Goose would be upset, but she would soon settle down and maybe be even more stable.  Ducky, well she is young enough she wouldn't know the difference.  But my heart would break because those girls are my everything.  They are what keeps me here, for the fear of losing them makes me weep.
*sigh*

Pampered Chef Review - Mix 'N Chop

Well, as some of you may have noticed, I bit the bullet and became a Pampered Chef Consultant.  At this time, I am leaning towards ONLY doing catalog shows (if I am able to build up enough interest, I will start internet sales also. I am holding off for right this second because it is an extra cost to have your own website).  In order to help promote these WONDERFUL products and possibly drum up some business, I will be doing some reviews of MY favorite products.

Up first is the Mix 'N Chop (Product # 2583, Retail $10.00)

Oh my goodness people, you can not believe how wonderful this product is!!!!  It plows through a multitude of food densities with little effort!  Here is what Pampered Chef has to say: Unique, beveled pinwheel blades efficiently chop and crumble foods for even cooking and seasoning. Its high-quality nylon design follows the curves of your cookware and won't scratch the surface.

I personally have used my Mix 'N Chop for at least 3 years now!  I use it when browning meat for spaghetti, chili, Hamburger Helper-type meals, and oh so many other dishes.  We receive a quarter of beef for Christmas every year and I rarely defrost my hamburger for these types of meals.  I use another Pampered Chef product (the Large Micro Cooker) and this Mix 'N Chop and within 10 minutes I have fulled cooked and crumbled hamburg!

Let me share just a few ideas I have (or seen) the Mix 'N Chop used for:

Hamburger

Ground Turkey

Ground Beef

Sausage

Deer meat

Mashing potatoes

Mashing fruit for jams

Mashing bananas for bread

Smooshing apples as they cook to make applesauce

Tomatoes for salsa or canning

Breaking up clumps of cold rice (GREAT for making fried rice)

Scrambled Eggs

Avocados for Guacamole

Making stars on top of cookies (Sugar Cookies, while cookie is hot dip the Mix 'N Chop in food coloring and then stamp. For Peanut butter, stamp the dough ball then bake!)

Mixing meatloaf

Mixing meatballs

Hard boiled eggs for egg salad

Breaking ice (whether it is store bought or from your freezer)

Crumbling bread for stuffings

Breaking up clumps of hash browns

Refried beans

Milkshakes

Frozen Fruit or Fruit Juice Concentrate

And I am sure there are many, many more things this wonderful tool can do! At $10.00, it is a must have for your own kitchen and makes a wonderful gift also!

Faithful Friday

God, for whom and through whom everything was made, chose to bring many children into glory. And it was only right that he should make Jesus, through his suffering, a perfect leader, fit to bring them into their salvation. Hebrews 2:10, NLT

How was Jesus made perfect through suffering? Jesus' suffering made him a perfect leader, or pioneer, of our salvation. Jesus did not need to suffer for his own salvation, because he was God in human form. His perfect obedience (which led him down the road of suffering) demonstrates that he was the complete sacrifice for us. Through suffering, Jesus completed the work necessary for our own salvation.

Our suffering can make us more sensitive servants of God. People who have known pain are able to reach out with compassion to others who hurt. If you have suffered, ask God how your experience can be used to help others.
 
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Well, I made it through the week.  Uncle Steve was laid to rest Thursday morning.  It brings peace to know that he was called home.  The hardest thing is how do you answer when someone asks how did he pass?  Due to him passing at home, we were unsure if an autopsy would be required, but since there were no signs of self infliction or homocide, there was no need.  His children also did not request an autopsy, so cause of death was listed as natural.  It could have been from his clotting disorder, pneumonia, or possibly H1N1.

I am worried about my grandma, mom and cousin.  Grandma does not understand why 2 of her 3 babies were called home before her.  I can see her refusing her meds and whatnot so that she can rejoin them.  Mom is trying to be the strong one for grandma and my cousins.  She is holding all her emotions in, which is not a good thing.  Then there is my poor cousin, he is the one who found his dad.  How do you get him to realize that there was nothing he could have done to prevent this?  That finding him even an hour earlier would not have changed anything.

This experience, in such a short time after losing my aunt unexpecteldy also, has led me to realize life is too short to hold grudges and be mad.  I also can not worry about what others think, because what they think does not determine who I am.  I also have set up to have our wills drawn up.  I am having a rough time finding someone who I would let have gaurdianship of my girls.  The one person that I had originally thought of last year when I first wanted to draw them up is no longer in our lives.  I don't trust many, especially with something as precious to me as my girls. 
 
XOXO

Self Diagnosis

Yeah, don't let a Psych major near the internet text books or she will try to diagnose herself.

I have an obsession with Personality Disorders - it couldn't be because I have one, no not at all.   I have always toyed with the idea that there is more to me than meets the eye (which is hard to believe, because there is alot of me to see).  Tonight I ran across for the umptenth million time information on Borderline Personality Disorder - it's like a beacon calling me to it.

Definition  Borderline personality disorder can be a distressing medical condition, both for the people who have it and for those around them. When you have borderline personality disorder (BPD), you have difficulty controlling your emotions and are often in a state of upheaval — perhaps as a result of harmful childhood experiences or brain dysfunction.
With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you yearn for loving relationships.

Symptoms  Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.

When you have BPD, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. That is, your self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.

Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You often experience a love-hate relationship with others. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may seem good one day and evil the next.

Other signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:

*  Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or taking illicit drugs

*  Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently (check)

*  Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression (check)

*  Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations (check)

*  Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses (check)

*  Suicidal behavior (check)

*  Fear of being alone (check)


Complications  Borderline personality disorder can damage many areas of your life. Interpersonal relationships, jobs, school, social activities and self-image all can be negatively affected. Repeated job losses and broken marriages are common. Self-injury, such as cutting or burning, can result in scarring and frequent hospitalizations. Suicide rates among people with BPD are very high, reaching 10 percent to 15 percent.

In addition, you may have other mental health problems, including:

*  Depression (check)

*  Substance abuse

*  Anxiety disorders (check)

*  Eating disorders (check in college)

*  Bipolar disorder

*  Other personality disorders

Because of risky, impulsive behavior, you are also more vulnerable to unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, motor vehicle accidents and physical fights. You may also be involved in abusive relationships, either as the abuser or the abused.


Well no flippin wonder I am such a nut case!  hhmmm, I will have to keep reading to see what else may be wrong with me.

Pass the Toothpicks PLEASE

or could you set me up with one of these

I haven't been sleeping well due to everything that is going on, and last night was no exception.  I had both girls down for the night by 8 - or so I thought.  By 930, I knew that my dreams of a possible peaceful night of sleep was just that, a dream.  Goose woke up coughing and wanted mommy to cuddle (Do you really think I want to be coughed on??  GO TO YOUR OWN BED!!)  so I did what any good mommy would do, I ran downstairs to get the "good" cough medicine with codiene so she would be knocked out. 

THEN Ducky started that annoying whine, you know the one that you can't decide if it is just because they are tired or because they are hurting.  I went and checked on her, rocked her for a minute, and laid her back down.  We were good to go - well for at least an hour.  Ducky WOKE UP EVERY FREAKING HOUR and at 1 this morning she woke up for an hour and a half!  I MEAN WIDE AWAKE - ugh.  At 230 when I laid her back down for the 100th time I was going to let her fuss. 

Well, Mr Grumpy pants came out and was like why aren't you taking care of her - BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN AWAKE MOST OF THE NIGHT AND SHE IS FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Well I can't sleep because I hear her and Goose coughing in my ear.  FINE I will take her to her room and lay in there so you can get your sleep.{I did get - no, just leave her, but I was pissy so I said, oh no, you need your sleep}  I go in there and grab up my 60 pound daughter, carry her to her room, get her settled in and back to sleep. (and for the record she coughed like one time while in her room)  I tried sleeping in her bed with her, but this plus size momma does not fit too well with a large child in a twin(it does not help that she thinks she needs to be practically on top of you!)  She ended up kicking me out of her bed, but I wasn't allowed to leave her room.  So in hopes of getting just a teeny tiny bit of shut eye, I curled up on her floor, and froze my ass off.  (before it is even said, the emotional melt down of leaving her alone is/was not worth it, that is why I tolerate her sleeping in our room on her cot)

Needless to say, today will be a long day.  I went into work a half hour early to sort of comp myself the time I will be missing due to my uncle's viewing and funeral.  Speaking of viewing, it is tonight of all nights, until 8 pm an hour away from home. 

Now be nice please and pass those toothpicks or set me up with that caffiene IV STAT!!!

The Muppet's do Queen

I am sure most of you have heard about the new Muppet's parody of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody".  If not where the heck have you been!!!  Check it out here  v v v

The other day when I brought this video up, Ducky went NUTS.  She started to sing and dance along with them and was POd when it ended.  I had to capture this because it is the most I had laughed and smiled in a looooong time.  Unfortunately, the camera was defunct but the cell phone came to the rescue.  It is super dark and the sound sucks, but oh my goodness you still can see her rocking out. 

Thanks for tolerating the exploitation of my youngest for my enjoyment :o)  Hope you enjoyed the videos just a teeny tiny bit, and if you didn't - WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!