Thursday, October 22, 2009

Explanation

I took down my last post, then put it back. I don't know what to do with it. It happened. I was sinking. I am sinking. Do I keep it up to broadcast it? Do I take it down and pretend it didn't happen??

I want to share with some of my newbies that may not have read some of my original posts. I suffer from major depression - I will be on some form of medicine the rest of my life. I am okay with that. For the most part the medicine does its job and I am ..... okay. We had to switch my medicine within the last 6 months because, well, I was going through a really rough spot. I had an official diagnosis of Adjustment Disorder. At that time I was hospitalized (which SUCKED because it was at the hospital I work at & I seem to know a lot of people) because I just couldn't cope any more. I took a handful+ of Tylenol PM because I wanted to go to sleep and it all be over with. At that time, I had been on the new medicine about 2 weeks - and if you know anything about medicine, it really wasn't long enough to see full effects. I went into counseling to deal with what caused me to have the adjustment disorder and was released because I am as over that part of my life as I will ever be.

However this morning I admitted to someone how lonely I really am and it brought on a flood of emotions. To know that you can be surrounded by people and be lonely is a horrible feeling. I realized that it had been several months since someone had asked me how I was doing and just as long since I had a hug that wasn't given in hopes of getting some. (sorry B, but it's the truth) I unfortunately didn't have work to distract me since I have been off the last couple days and the feelings and emotions overwhelmed me.

(B if you are reading this, stop right now because you are not going to like reading this)
I feel as though I am stuck. Stuck in a marriage that won't work - not for not trying either. Stuck in a life that is bound to be ...... I don't know what I want to say.

Thank you to the ones who commented and offered support on my sinking post.

PS - The medicine has kicked in - it does it's job - I function, which is the most important thing. I have set up an appointment next week to deal with these emotions I have been repressing.

XOXO

7 comments:

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Hopefully your new meds will kick in and you will start to feel better. I hope you are getting help and talking to someone at the same time. I have been in that place that you, and with the right help, I got through it stronger. I also was able to escape the bad life I had to make a better one. If you need to talk.....

Just A Mom (Call me JAM for short) said...

As Lee said, hopefully you will start to feel better with the new meds. It's important to talk to others about how you are feeling. Don't keep it in. You're doing the right thing by talking about it. My thoughts are with you. Keep writing...

MJ said...

Thanks girls - the new medicine has helped tremendously - I am able to function which is a big thing.

It was the admitting that I am lonely that really hurt. I have been pretending that I'm ok - and in the things that ppl think I am not over, I am ok. It is the home front that is not ok.

kys said...

I'm so proud of you for getting the help you need. And admitting it. Goodness how many people can't do that! I hope you get your meds in line and start feeling better. Talking is always better than repressing, too. Prayers sent your way. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

Kelly said...

My mom's depression was like that when I was little. She's just now found a non-addictive med that works for her. Keep trying! It will get better!!

SparkleFarkle said...

I walk The Dark Path, too. I'm surprised we haven't run into one another. Although quiet desperation sucks BIG time, you're going to be okay. I mean it. ("Acting" can take its toll. Maybe this year, you and I should attend the Academy Awards together and bring home a couple. LOL!) I will keep you tucked inside my Good Night prayers. Sooner or later, that light at the end of the tunnel will reappear. Right now, a Mac truck is probably just parked in the wrong place. It's going to get better.

Erin M. said...

I think you are very brave to post this and it's a step in the right direction. I hope you can talk to B and that you can work through some of this together. Talk, talk, talk until you're blue in the face even if you think you don't have anything to say or you don't know how to start. Communication is the best thing.

If I were there, I'd give you a bear hug.