Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I want off

I am TIRED. Simple as that - and how do you explain to someone that it is more than just tired in a physical sense.

Yes I am tired physically. No it's not because my job is a manual one, but because I have a lot of stuff on my plate. I work full time. I have a second job that is a as needed basis. I am contemplating taking a third job as a Pampered Chef Consultant. This third job may just put me over the edge, but I know my limits and would only do catalog and internet sales. Then add on being a mom, wife and a candle stick maker (no not really - just too funny not to put in there). It is no wonder I let my housekeeping go!

Emotionally I am dying over here. My last year has been a roller coaster emotionally and I am ready to get off - have been for awhile now. Yes I brought on a lot of this myself, but when I asked for help to get off it was too late. Unfortunately, my mistakes hurt my girls too, so that guilt is eating away at me too. To see Goose being afraid that her mommy will never come back makes me just want to curl up in a ball and die. It is no wonder that she still sneaks in bed with me EVERY single night.

Then there is the whole marriage thing. I know that marriage is hard work, I have been working hard for 6 years. It has been the last year where I quit trying so hard because I am tired of the fighting. Fighting for what I believe in. Fighting for my needs to be met. I am also tired of having my hopes crushed. Each day I walk in hoping that today is the day that he will follow through with "I'm going to try harder" to be slapped with the cold hard truth of it's not going to happen. Why do I do this to myself?

To top it all off, I still care for people I shouldn't. (see last Monday's post for an example) Why is it I can not let go of these people?!? My friend M keeps reminding me that right now these are people who I do not need in my life right now, but I still keep running myself into a wall trying to make them see I care. It's like a Tom & Jerry or a Wile E Coyote & Road Runner cartoon.

My depression is so much better, but it is still there. However, I put on my happy face when I need to so that people can not see how much I still am suffering. I keep placing my hope and faith in Him so that one day I can get off this train wreck.


kyslp said...

I don't know what to say except that I have been there. (Maybe not the exact same circumstances but I have felt that physical and emotional/mental exhaustion.)
I didn't know you work 2 jobs - and your kids are so little, too. I hope you find a way to get some rest for your body and mind.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I get it too. I have been there, and I got off that train. Of course, I tend to climb on over and over again. Just try to take care of you.

Charisse and Holly said...

I can hear the exhaustion thru your words. It is exhausting enough to be there for your kids. To have all of the other demands on you at the same time makes it unbearable. Depression is such a hard hole to climb out of. Praying for you. Holly at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com

Erin M. said...

I am playing catch up right now....

I have suffered with depression off and on throughout most of my life. I have been off and on medication to help me cope with it. It's not easy.

It's even harder throwing little ones into the mix and dealing with husbands who aren't really present in the marriage. I hope you guys can work through these things.

Do you try to have a date night every so often to talk? Or can you make a time even at home once the kids are asleep?

My heart is hurting for you.