The Way I Am

There are a great many people who do not understand why I am the way I am, so sit back and let me tell you a little more about me.

Growing up, I was always shy and reserved. I was friendly to everyone, but only had one or two really close "best" friends. Although I had those close friends, I never learned how to interact as a friend. I didn't have many opportunities outside of school to play, talk, or cultivate those friendships. Besides, when you are in elementary school, who really thinks about "hey am I having a proper conversation?"

Junior high is the time that young girls learn the fun of talking with their friends and how to hold a conversation. I didn't get that because I was too scared to after losing my best friend.

One of my best friends and my's relationship was ended abruptly in Junior High. I had told her the secret, which in turn she told to the school counselor. She was right in telling this secret, but by doing so I was robbed of an important part of growing up. My parents refused to let me see her outside of school, and if they could have limited even that contact they would have. Eventually, her family open enrolled her in a neighboring school district. (WAY before it was popular to do so) I wasn't allowed to talk about the secret to anyone - in my teenage eyes it meant I was wrong to talk in the first place. I also saw that by having a conversation, I could rip a family apart. My mom & aunt were no longer talking - in my eyes I was the cause of that.

What was a shy, scared teenager to do but try to blend into the background even more. I only spoke when spoken to and my version of conversation was what one would have with a counselor or attending group sessions. I never learned how to properly express my feelings because of all this. I still struggle some days on controlling my impulses to tell you what I think or feel in raw form. By the time I found Renee, I had already formed my own version of what it meant to have a conversation. But here is why she is still my "BFF" she didn't try to change me, she accepted me and my weird habit (for a lack of a better word).

What most don't understand is I don't mean to hurt you with this type of conversation, but it is the only way I know how to express myself sometimes. Especially if I am deeply hurting. Often times I do not even realize I reverted to that style again until it is out of my mouth and I've inserted a foot or two.